In America, Sean Bean dies at end of movie

In Mirror Mirror, Sean Bean come back to life at end of movie! And it's almost worth the price of admission to see him trying to figure out what the hell he's doing here during the ending Bollywood dance number. "Isn't... isn't someone going to cut my head off?"

Largely forgettable attempt at redoing George of the Jungle's metawacky children's entertainment in a way that seems to run out of ideas after Julia Roberts narrates the animated sequence from Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. After that, they drop the whole idea of the Evil Queen doing The True Story Of The Three Little Pigs and just kinda wing it.

Am I alone in thinking that this and Snow White & The Huntsman are both stupid, but on two different levels? Kristin Stewart as a badass knight leading an armed rebellion along with a bunch of British character actors playing dwarves... think about it. That's dumb. Mirror Mirror casts actual, you know, dwarves to play the dwarves and is aimed at kids. Fairy tales for children? What a stupid idea! CHARLIZE THERON HAND-BRA!


If there's a guy in the room, that's not milk...

Spider-Man's origin in 2002: Half the movie

Spider-Man's origin in 2012: MULTIPLE FILMS.

In 2030, The Spectacular Spider-Man will be two hours of a nerdy kid named Peter Parker getting picked on, fantasizing about oh let's say Liz Allen at this point, and having an awkwardly creepy dinner conversation with Norman Osborn, who will be played by Mark Strong. At the end, he'll be bitten by a spider. After the credits, there will be a scene of him buying red and blue fabric from a store.

Think like a Green Martian, but act like a Red Martian.

Okay, so I've been reading all of Edgar Rice Burroughs' Mars series and though I have thoughts on most of it, let's skip to my favorite one, Chessmen of Mars. See, as the series goes on, the focus shifts from John Carter to his family and even just random other guys who found their own way to Barsoom. It's a bit like if the Batman movies eventually stopped being about Bruce Wayne and there was a Robin movie and a Batgirl movie... that is to say, totally awesome. I mean, c'mon, how many times can Dejah Thoris get kidnapped?

(This, by the way, is why maybe John Carter: The Movie getting no sequels is a good thing. The rest of the John Carter trilogy is pretty much him trying to get to Dejah Thoris in one way or another, so I'm not sure how they would either make two movies where the hero is apart from the heroine for 90& of the runtime, or bring them together without throwing out the books' plot entirely.)

Anyway, Chessmen of Mars focuses on John Carter's daughter, Tara of Helium, who is expected to marry the son of a family friend, in a not-arranged-marriage-but-don't-they-look-cute-together sort of way. Only the feng shui works much better with him in the friend zone than on top of the wedding cake, so when she sees him dancing with another girl at a ball, she's kinda not jealous and then weirded out by how she's not jealous and also the girl is one of her best friends and I'd need Gossip Girl to get into that. So, she decides to dance with another man, Gahan of Gathol, who is totally super-fine. They have one dance and Tara's uterus goes "HOLY SHIT, I'M NEEDED! UTERUS TO THE RESCUE!" and he's like "BONERS EVERYWHERE", but in a quaint 20th century your grandparents could've read this sort of way. I like Gahan too; he has a bit more of a personality than John Carter. Maybe it's just that he doesn't have Carter's luxury of not knowing about Martian customs, but he comes off as having so little game it's actually endearing. Like, after eye-fucking Tara (Sasha Grey style, not some weak softcore shit), he asks her to marry him.

"Tara of Helium, I love you!" he said

The girl drew herself to her full height. "The Jed of Gathol forgets himself," she exclaimed haughtily. […] "Are the men of Gathol such boors, then?"

"They are neither boors not fools," he replied quietly. "They know when they love a woman—and when she loves them."

Tara of Helium stamped her little foot in anger. "Go!"

Yeah, on the other hand, I think Tara where the "haughty princess" thing got its start in sci-fi. Like a million aspiring writers read that "she exclaimed haughtily" and went "That's a good word right there..." Anyway, I like that she's flawed in comparison to Dejah Thoris, who comes across as a tiny bit Sueish at times? Not at all saying that Dejah is/was a bad character, because I liked that she was pretty chill about things like Carter unintentionally talking like he'd fucked her and then her just going A. Wut? B. Heh. C. Remember this when you figure out what you just said: Niiiice.

Tara, on the other hand, is implied to be younger than Dejah, so it makes sense that she'd be more immature, especially when faced with Mr. No-Game and his stupid control over her stupid hormones.

Anyway, Tara is all het up and she decides to go fly her space-motorcycle (sidebar: Tara has a space-motorcycle that she rides when she has to angst. I LOVE IT.). Her slave girl objects (sidebar: If you are side-eying our heroine having a slave girl, CHECK THIS SHIT) (ALL CAPS)

"My flying leather!" she commanded.

"But the guests!" exclaimed the slave girl. "Your father, The Warlord, will expect you to return."

"He will be disappointed," snapped Tara of Helium.

The slave hesitated. "He does not approve of your flying alone," she reminded her mistress.

The young princess sprang to her feet and seized the unhappy slave by the shoulders, shaking her. "You are becoming unbearable, Uthia," she cried. "Soon there will be no alternative than to send you to the public slave-market. Then possibly you will find a master to your liking."

Tears came to the soft eyes of the slave girl. "It is because I love you, my princess," she said softly.

Tara of Helium melted. She took the slave in her arms and kissed her.

"I have the disposition of a thoat, Uthia," she said. "Forgive me! I love you and there is nothing that I would not do for you and nothing would I do to harm you. Again, as I have so often in the past, I offer you your freedom."

"I do not wish my freedom if it will separate me from you, Tara of Helium," replied Uthia. "I am happy here with you-I think that I should die without you."

Again the girls kissed. "And you will not fly alone, then?" questioned the slave.

Tara of Helium laughed and pinched her companion. "You persistent little pest," she cried.

"Of course I shall fly-does not Tara of Helium always do that which pleases her?"

Uthia shook her head sorrowfully. "Alas! she does," she admitted. "Iron is the Warlord of Barsoom to the influences of all but two. In the hands of Dejah Thoris and Tara of Helium he is as potters' clay."

"Then run and fetch my flying leather like the sweet slave you are," directed the mistress.

Uh, damn, Edgar Rice Burroughs, I think you just invented the kink meme, because that demands all the prompts. Come, hipsters--let us revive this vintage femslash ship and its super gayness.

Anyway, Tara flies off but JUST THEN a giant unprecedented Martian hurricane comes in to wreck everyone's shit. You'd think this would have something to go with the plot, but NOPE. Random-ass Mars hurricane. Ironically, this is probably what Burroughs got the most right about Mars.

As you might imagine, no one in the sci-fi genre is going to pass up a chance to save a hot space princess, so a planetwide search starts. Gahan is separated from his ship because he had to rescue a crewman like a boss, but he happens to end up at the same Headcrab City as Tara, where he rescues her from the most sexual predator-y of the Headcrabs. Then, despite the dance of instant love and hormones, she doesn't recognize him. Oof. Right in the ego. So, not wanting her to be all discomforted by being rescued by the guy who pissed her off, he pretends to be a soldier of fortune and lays on the moves

"Be thou Tara of Helium or another," he replied, "is immaterial, to serve thus a red woman of Barsoom is in itself sufficient reward."

Savor that bit of suaveness. You're not going to get anymore from Gahan.

Also, since this book isn't written in the first-person like the John Carter books, we get some of Tara's views on the matter.

Daughter of a world's greatest swordsman, she knew well the finest points of the art. She saw the clumsy attack of the kaldane and the quick, sure return of the panthan. As she looked down from above upon his almost naked body, trapped only in the simplest of unadorned harness, and saw the play of the lithe muscles beneath the red-bronze skin, and witnessed the quick and delicate play of his sword point, to her sense of obligation was added a spontaneous admission of admiration that was but the natural tribute of a woman to skill and bravery and, perchance, some trifle to manly symmetry and strength.

OVARIES. Given the context of this book is that John Carter told the story to Edgar Rice Burroughs and then he adapted it into a manuscript, I gotta wonder what in-universe John Carter's response to finding out his nephew wrote about his daughter's sploosh (that's the old-timey equivalent of this, right?).

Aaaand, old-timey chivalry!

They did not know it; these kaldanes that he fought, nor did the girl awaiting him upon the flier, but Gahan of Gathol was engaged in a more alluring sport than winning to freedom, for he was avenging the indignities that had been put upon the woman he loved.

Ah yeah. That's the good stuff. Anyway, as I said, Gahan has no game.

"Look, Tara of Helium!" he cried. "A city! As I am Ga—as I am Turan the panthan, a city."

That. Is. Adorable. At this point, Peeta Malark would offer this guy dating tips.

But also, since this was written before David Letterman was born, there's the vague horribleness that makes you go "Ummm."

She smiled up into his face and her hand still lay upon his arm. He felt the thrill of hot blood coursing through his veins. He could have seized her in his arms and crushed her to him. There was only Ghek the kaldane there, but there was something stronger within him that restrained his hand. Who may define it--that inherent chivalry that renders certain men the natural protectors of women?

I think we call it... not... being... a rapist...? Enough about Gahan and his maybe-sorta OH JOHN RINGO NO moments, since that might've been more of a "No, m'lady, we must resist our sinful premarital urges!" thing. Tara is awesome because unlike Dejah Thoris, who put the damsel in damsel in distress--sidebar: I actually prefer her just being a non-action-hero to the movie half-assing her being a badass, but it does get pretty egregious at times. There's a moment where Carter's defending her and the narration's all "HE'S INVINCIBLE BECAUSE HE'S FIGHTING FOR HIS LADY FRIEND!" and you're all "FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKER" and during all this, Dejah is just--singing a Martian song of support for badassery? Lady, I know you're not a fighter or anything, but you can still pick up a rock and hit someone in the back of the head. No one's going to judge you, 90% of the villains are trying to rape you, so go for the groin even.

I digress! Tara takes more after her father, because she will cut a bitch. So when our heroes end up in one of Barsoom's many Unknown City That Happens To Be Ruled By An Asshole, it comes out that they're going to play Martian Chess with real people over her, with the winning team, uh, getting Tara. Tara writes an essay of FUCK THAT NOISE.

"Wait!" said the girl in low, even tone. "Perhaps you know not what you do. Sacred to the people of Helium are the persons of the women of Helium. For the honor of the humblest of them would the great jeddak himself unsheathe his sword. The greatest nations of Barsoom have trembled to the thunders of war in defense of the person of Dejah Thoris, my mother. We are but mortal and so may die; but we may not be defiled. You may play at jetan for a princess of Helium, but though you may win the match, never may you claim the reward. If thou wouldst possess a dead body press me too far, but know, man of Manator, that the blood of The Warlord flows not in the veins of Tara of Helium for naught. I have spoken."

"Come on," you're saying, "that's just Edgar Rice Burroughs being weird and old-timey and saying a good woman should commit suicide instead of being raped." NOPE. BITCH CUTTING.

The lips of the warrior were drawing closer to those of the woman, but they never touched, for suddenly the man straightened, stiffly, a shriek upon his lips, and then he crumpled like an empty fur and lay, a shrunken heap, upon the floor. Tara of Helium stooped and wiped her blade upon his harness.

Lan-O, wide-eyed, looked with horror upon the corpse. "For this we shall both die," she cried.

"And who would live a slave in Manator?" asked Tara of Helium.

"I am not so brave as thou," said the slave girl, "and life is sweet and there is always hope."

"Life is sweet," agreed Tara of Helium, "but honor is sacred."

GANG. STA. Then Tara makes it a badass trifecta by promising to take all the blame and then hiding the body anyway, just to be a ninja. Tara: 2, rapists: 0.

Back to Gahan of No Game. Having gotten past his faux pas of professing his love for Tara after five minutes like he had to catch an episode of Justified, Gahan cock-blocks his new badass soldier of fortune persona by AGAIN telling Tara how he feels. Dude, get where you're coming from, but... location, location, location.

Her hand was still in his as he rose and they were very close, and the man was still flushed with the contact of her body since he had carried her from the throne room of O-Tar. He felt his heart pounding in his breast and the hot blood surging through his veins as he looked at her beautiful face, with its downcast eyes and the half-parted lips that he would have given a kingdom to possess, and then he swept her to him and as he crushed her against his breast his lips smothered hers with kisses.

But only for an instant. Like a tigress the girl turned upon him, striking him, and thrusting him away. She stepped back, her head high and her eyes flashing fire. "You would dare?" she cried. "You would dare thus defile a princess of Helium?"

His eyes met hers squarely and there was no shame and no remorse in them.

"Yes, I would dare," he said. "I would dare love Tara of Helium; but I would not dare defile her or any woman with kisses that were not prompted by love of her alone." He stepped closer to her and laid his hands upon her shoulders. "Look into my eyes, daughter of The Warlord," he said, "and tell me that you do not wish the love of Turan, the panthan."

"I do not wish your love," she cried, pulling away. "I hate you!" and then turning away she bent her head into the hollow of her arm, and wept.

The man took a step toward her as though to comfort her when he was arrested by the sound of a crackling laugh behind him. Wheeling about, he discovered a strange figure of a man standing in a doorway. It was one of those rarities occasionally to be seen upon Barsoom-an old man with the signs of age upon him. Bent and wrinkled, he had more the appearance of a mummy than a man.

"Love in the pits of O-Tar!" he cried, and again his thin laughter jarred upon the silence of the subterranean vaults. "A strange place to woo! A strange place to woo, indeed!

OH YEAH, THEY'RE IN A SPACE GRAVEYARD. And even the creepy old caretaker is going "DUDE, WHAT'S WITH YOUR GAME?"

When I was a young man we roamed in the gardens beneath giant pimalias and stole our kisses in the brief shadows of hurtling Thuria. We came not to the gloomy pits to speak of love; but times have changed and ways have changed, though I had never thought to live to see the time when the way of a man with a maid, or a maid with a man would change. Ah, but we kissed them then! And what if they objected, eh? What if they objected? Why, we kissed them more. Ey, ey, those were the days!"

Creepy old rapey guy! Gahan, you pick the best make-out spots!

"I have many, my balconies are crowded with them; but I keep a great room for my wives. I have them all, as far back as the first one, and many is the evening I spend with them-quiet evenings and very pleasant. And then the pleasure of preparing them and making them even more beautiful than in life partially recompenses one for their loss. I take my time with them, looking for a new one while I am working on the old. When I am not sure about a new one I bring her to the chamber where my wives are, and compare her charms with theirs, and there is always a great satisfaction at such times in knowing that they will not object. I love harmony."

Creepy old rapey guy who's into dead chicks!

Few come to the pits of the dead—only those who bang the dead and they hasten away as fast as they can. - Put that into MLA format, because that's a quotation, son!

Anyway, after all that, and creepy old guy threatening to rape Tara because Barsoom is the worst and her stabbinating him because Tara is the best, there is too much drama for even her to drama queen it and she goes back to loving Gahan. Or should I say, Clark Kent Bruce Wayne Turan.

"You thought little then of the Jed of Gathol?" he asked.

"Then or now," she replied, and with a little laugh; "how it would pique his vanity to know, if he might, that a poor panthan had won a higher place in the regard of Tara of Helium," and she laid her fingers gently upon his knee.

He seized the fingers in his and carried them to his lips. "O, Tara of Helium," he cried. "Think you that I am a man of stone?" One arm slipped about her shoulders and drew the yielding body toward him.

"May my first ancestor forgive me my weakness," she cried, as her arms stole about his neck and she raised her panting lips to his. For long they clung there in love's first kiss and then she pushed him away, gently. "I love you, Turan," she half sobbed; "I love you so! It is my only poor excuse for having done this wrong to Djor Kantos, whom now I know I never loved, who knew not the meaning of love. And if you love me as you say, Turan, your love must protect me from greater dishonor, for I am but as clay in your hands."

Damn, check out her game. "If you love me, you won't have sex with me (although MY OVARIES)." Luckily, Gahan needs to kill a lot of guys after that, because there's not enough water on Mars for that cold shower (it's a desert planet). All this comes to a head when Tara discovers THE AWFUL TRUTH.

"'Turan the panthan!'" he cried. "Know you not, fair daughter of Helium, that this man you call panthan is Gahan, Jed of Gathol?"

For just a moment Tara of Helium looked her surprise; and then she shrugged her beautiful shoulders as she turned her head to cast her eyes over one of them at Gahan of Gathol.

"Jed or panthan," she said; "what difference does it make what one's slave has been?" and she laughed roguishly into the smiling face of her lover.