Smallville 10x4 - Wormhole X-Treme

A high school guidance counselor figures out Clark's secret. Lex Luthor must really feel stupid. "I went crazy trying to figure this out, and all I had to do was ask the chick handing out pamphlets on eating disorders?" But then Brainiac 5 pops in (he's a good guy now. They must've uninstalled DirectX 2.0 from his operating system) and mind-wipes her. Thanks for helping out there, Brainy. Zod, Brainiac, Doomsday, Clark can handle that shit on his own, but a high school guidance counselor? He's lucky to have some help on that one.

Clark stops angsting, and all it takes is a killer robot from the future time-traveling to show him a clip show.

Clark hasn't interacted with Ollie at all since Ollie revealed his identity. Not even a "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" speech for old times' sake? Douche chill!

Could that interlude with the girl serving punch be any weirder? It was so odd, Lois forgot to have sexual tension with a female co-star.

Lois pretty much goes full retard. Not only does she expect everyone to recognize her because she attended school in Smallville for a few weeks, but when Clark meets up with her in the future, she's unable to figure out he's a time traveler despite him outright telling her so. What I wouldn't give for SarahPalin!Lois to be a badass about this. "Oh, another time traveler? Well, don't panic, it'll sort itself out. Just head to this address, there are snacks in the fridge, make yourself comfy, and I'll call Rip Hunter."

Then future!Clark talks to PresentDouchey!Clark and... acts like a douche. Shouldn't this mature, awesome Superman!Clark be all smiles and "don't worry, believe in yourself and things will work out"? Instead, he manages to outdouche Clark.

Oh, and Greg "Bugboy" Arkin from the first season (the very first guy who tried to rape/kill Lana! Memories... Like the corners of my mind...) shows up to thank Clark for rehabilitating him. Really? As I recall, Clark crushed him like a... well, you know.

And Ollie took the most hostile interview ever and called himself a hero. Oh, Ollie, how is it you can even take responsibility for your actions like a douche?

I'm in a Superman kind of mood and not even Smallville can dampen it

So maybe I'm being a bad fan, but the rumors of the next Superman story being an origin with Zod as a villain don't bother me too much. Picture this, using Superman: Birthright as reference material.

We start off in some other exotic locale. A twentysomething Clark is searching for fragments of his starship. See, before it landed, it orbited the Earth a few times and deteriorated (you could go for the ominous here and say it's as if something shot at it). Many of the memory crystals that were supposed to educate him are missing. We can have him mention this to a companion, someone like Pete Ross, Lana Lang, or Chloe Sullivan (as appropriate). But when he finds the beacon, a Lexcorp team is already digging it up. There's a brief but badass action sequence as Clark takes down the well-armed mercenaries and retrieves his birthright.

With it, he's able to gleam more of his heritage than ever before. He sees how Krypton was once a brutal planet ruled only by war, but the House of El united it under a single crest, leading the way into a golden age of peace, science, and artistry. Clark, who up till now has only been helping people from the shadows (and despairing that this doesn't really make a difference), realizes there's more he can do. He doesn't have to just save people. He can inspire them.

He returns home to Smallville, where he shows the Kents his ideas for a costume. Martha shows him the blankets he was swaddled in as a child. Red, blue, and yellow.

Thirty minutes in (or less) and he's in Metropolis, ready to save some lives. Of course, Lex Luthor hasn't been idle. He's found some memory crystals of his own, and the truth behind Krypton's destruction fascinates him. When Superman steals his thunder, he's able to signal to either Zod or Brainiac. Either would be a good antagonist -- with Zod, you have Clark being tempted by his past as the public reacts to him with suspicion and mistrust, while with Brainiac you have the big damn conflict of Clark fighting the guy who destroyed his home planet. And, of course, Lex has no intention of trading one alien for another -- he plans to play both sides against the other, stab the winner in the back, and pick up the technological pieces. That's gotta be good for 90 minutes of thrills and spills.

While I'm on the subject of Lex... Terry O'Quinn, anyone? Dude could pull off the arrogance, genius, Lawful Evil humanism, and sheer malevolence of Superman's Big Bad in his sleep, plus he looks good bald. I know there's a modern tendency to make Lex, at most, a decade older than Big Blue, but Luthor as embittened old SOB has been canon too. Just think of All-Star Superman. "I keep getting older... and he doesn't."


Pressed for time, Lex Luthor decides to simply play one of those whiny emo ballads about Superman. It doesn't kill him, but it does annoy him a lot more than having to punch a giant robot.

Bryan Cranston would also be a great choice, but he's kinda already playing Lex Luthor in Breaking Bad. Seriously, that show is like an Elseworlds. "What if Lex was a meth dealer?" Just pretend that his cancer is a result of wearing a Kryptonite ring and it all lines up.