I own you Remix Redux. I own you for free.

So, who wants to beta? I'll say the story is a Marvel fic and it involves Jean Grey and Wanda Maximoff and, uh, canon.

For those who have better things to do than read comics -- oh, like what, getting laid? Oh. :( -- here's Sam Neill extolling the virtues of red meat. Game, set, and match, vegans.

Alright, PETA, hire Judi Dench to talk about how delicious fruit is. Then Christopher Lee comes in and says vegetables are superior. Then, someone pulls a shiv...

Don't listen to me, I think Spider-Man and Norm McDonald would be good friends

I think I've got it! So we all know Spider-Man 3 kinda blew, but it's understandable. They had already done Doc Ock and Green Goblin. It's not Sam Raimi's fault that he didn't get Venom. But what else could he do to close out the trilogy? Green Goblin II? We already saw that. Giving him a skateboard does not magically make James Franco > Willem Dafoe.

Here's what they should've done, though. The Sinister Six. The thing is, a lot of Spider-Man's rogue gallery just can't carry a movie. Can you really picture Tobey Maguire fighting the the Kangaroo for two hours? (I can. It's strangely erotic.)

But if you take five TV or character actors, your Robert Englunds, your Lance Henricksens, your wrestlers-turned-actors (looking at you, Rhino), and throw them together under Harry Osborn's leadership, you've got yourself a movie. Let's say Harry is really fucking pissed. Not only did Spider-Man kill his father, but it was his best friend the whole time! The whole time, he was being lied to, manipulated, stabbed in the back. No, it's not enough to kill Spider-Man. He has to DESTROY him.

In the movie, as you'll recall, Harry just doses himself with goblin serum and goes out to kill Peter on a glider. Because that worked out so well for his father. Geez, at least wait until he's on the crapper or something.

So here, Harry uses his resources to recruit and equip five supervillains, thus saving us the trouble of doing a movie where freakin' Mysterio has a deep personal connection to Peter Parker, or giving them all backstories. They like money and they weren't held enough as children. That's it. We've got Chameleon and Mysterio to frame Spider-Man for murder and even make him look like a literal spider-monster. Vulture and Kraven the Hunter to dog his steps. And Black Cat to seduce him as part of that whole broken spirit thing. You could even make that into a plot twist, saving it until the very end and then having Harry announce "We're not the Sinister Six. Technically, we're the Sinister Seven."

See, on their own, all of them are pretty lame (except for BC, but still, ridiculously hot is not a superpower and neither is being really lucky). Kraven's a Most Dangerous Game rip-off, and no one's ever going to top Ice-T's seminal "Surviving The Game". Vulture is an old guy who can fly, so he's basically like any Goblin ever, only he can't climb stairs and he doesn't have explosives. Mysterio's defining characteristic is, depending on the writer, either have a fishbowl for a head or being raped (thanks Kevin Smith!). And Chameleon's power is looking like someone he isn't really. So if you tried to shoot him, his defense would be making it look as if you shot, say, Tim Curry. Monster. Oh, but feel free to replace any of these guys with the Rhino. If Sam Raimi thinks he can get an entire movie out of Malkovich!Vulture, who am I to argue?

( Warning: Contains no emo disco-dancing. )