You're about to do it wrong

Will Smith and Steven Spielberg doing Oldboy remake. I think if you actually sat down and tried to think up the worst people to handle such a project, barring the obviously incompetent (your Brett Ratners and your Joel Schumachers), you'd be hard-pressed to find people less-suited to Oldboy. Steven Spielberg has lost so much edge that he's a water balloon, and Will Smith pretty much can't or won't play anything more complex than a Big Damn Hero.

I mean, how did we get from a story about how to vampires, the vampire slayer is the monster, to a story where Will Smith sacrifices himself to bring about a new Willenium?

You know what? Quit all this Oldboy foolishness and do Gurren Lagann. The American people are in love with giant robots these days, Will Smith was born to play Kamina, and Simon's coming-of-age story is tailor-made for Steven Spielberg. Plus, Yoko dresses in a bikini top and runs around shooting stuff with a sniper rifle. I think 90% of actresses could handle that part.

Of course, I also think it'd have been the tits if late-80s George Lucas (you know, Labyrinth, Willow) had done a Fourth World movie. I mean, he already ripped off Dr. Doom for Darth Vader, so why not? Get ILM in there, lots of miniatures and Jim Henson puppets and Sean Connery could show up to be Highfather!

In fact, they could still do that! I mean, Henson's still in business. All you need is an intellectual hero with a perchant for wild escapes, the badass warrior woman who covers his back, someone like Orion who is a dog of war obsessed with honor, a Mother Box character to take care of all the others, vile villains seeking the Anti-Life Equation or some other forbidden knowledge to rule the universe...

( Wait... )

Breaking up is hard to do... in SHIELD

I was just looking through an X-Men: First Class backissue (could Wanda and Jean BE anymore married?) when I noticed this:



That punching dummy has a handlebar mustache. Is Nick Fury venting frustrations arising from working with Dum-Dum Dugan? I think it'd look something... like this.

The scene: A secret gadget workshop full of strange gizmos. Dum-Dum Dugan is trying on a rocket-derby hat when Nick Fury bursts in.

Nick: SWORD, Dum-Dum? Really? Who else have you been working with? STRIKE? SAFE? HATE?

Dugan: I can't work with you on everything, Nick!

Nick: How long has this been going on?

Dugan: I did some missions with... Captain Savage and his Leatherneck Raiders.

Nick: *gasps*

Dugan: They meant nothing to me, Nick!

Nick runs off. Sarah McLachlan plays I Will Remember You over a montage of sad scenes. Dum-Dum Dugan screams in the rain, Nick Fury cries on Valentina's shoulder, Dum-Dum Dugan goes through a scrapbook of his missions with Nick until he sees a caption that says "best buds forever" and breaks down crying.

In light of She-Hulk's cancellation...

I propose a She-Hulk Team-Up series. Every month/arc, She-Hulk teams up with a new superheroine. And not a cheesecake book either (well, maybe in the Amanda Connor sense), something with kawai artwork and splash pages. Shulkie and Mary-Jane do a photoshoot for charity... but they didn't know it would be on Monster Island! Why is She-Hulk joining the Hellfire Club... as the Green Queen? Why is Psylocke instructing She-Hulk in the ways of ninjitsu? Why is She-Hulk enrolled in Academy X? Why is She-Hulk helping Black Cat steal the Crown Jewels?

Every issue, fans would get to see one of their favorite female character rescued from the depths of obscurity, or meet one for the first time. Then other authors would respond to the demand to see more of these characters and include more female characters in their books. Shortly, the market is overwhelmed by a feminist uprising. And all thanks to She-Hulk.