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I dreamed a Dracula AU
Oct. 24th, 2008 12:29 amAt this late hour, it's hard to distinguish between what was in the dream and the rationalization I came up with lying in bed, trying to get back to sleep. But here goes (fridge logic in parenthesis).
Ollie was going to Translyvania (obviously, he and Hal were hard-traveling Victorians) and they visited a castle, where Barbara Gordon was a vampire (because the Joker had broken her back, but then she had staked him and scienmatifically changed his vamp bacteria so she could become a vampire and walk again but still be able to survive on people food.) Helena and Zinda were Barbara's brides, if you know what I mean. But since Zinda couldn't be a time-traveling WW2 aviator, she was a vampire pirate (who sailed Barbara from place to place, obviously).
Wait. It gets better.
Cass, Steph, and Misfit were vampires-in-waiting. They couldn't hunt or have the sex, so they just kinda hung out. (I've since determined that Barbara was waiting until they were of age to choose to become vampire sexythings, and that they occupied themselves writing subversive literature and smutty penny dreadfuls. Cass drew the pictures.)
Ollie was being a total asshole about the Irish and Protestants and such, but he managed to show Barbara a cameo of Dinah. And Barbara was like "shit, yo, my long-lost bride!" So they sailed to London and Barbara pushed Ollie off the ship in the middle of their voyage so he ended up doing the Green Arrow thing on a desert island.
Barbara: I'm going to eat your fiancee!
Ollie: No! You're going to drink her blood!
Barbara: ...yeah... let's go with that...
And then in London, Dinah was so relieved that she didn't have to get married and have sex. And she was all about the petticoats and the crinoline and the pretty pretty gowns. While Barbara wore trousers and drank liquor and smoked cigars and was all "screw the rules, I'm avampire lesbian suffragette!" to Victorian society.
In the midst of all this Francis Ford Coppola-ing, Dinah and Barbara were walking through the bad part of a town when a mugger stole Dinah's purse! And punched her in the lip! After Barbara delivered a proper beatdown, she returned to find that Dinah had a split lip. Barbara asked to see it and Dinah took her hand away from the cut. There was blood on her finger. Things progressed as you would expect from the finger to the mouth and so on (which is to say, there was a great deal of "we mustn't!" from Dinah and "We must!" from Barbara, but really not at all as much "we mustn't!" from Dinah as you'd expect, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more).
So now London's all fucked up because vamps are sexing people up and there's smutty books being printed (in fact, I distinctly recall that Barbara started Dinah reading. Lady Chatterly's Lover in particular). Barda's a stern governess for Mr. Dark's children (I guess he was married to Granny Goodness), but then (humble dock worker and friend to orphans) Scott Free gets vamped and they're Doing It. In an alleyway, because a bed would be just too far. Luckily, fearless vampire hunter Professor Van Wayne and his Scoobies are on the job!
Dick, being hotheaded, went off on his own to stake Barbara, but she wasn't in her coffin because she had shit to do and just because it was daylight was no excuse for slacking off. (Don't be a hero, Dick.)
So he was like "Don't suck my blood!"
And she was all "Actually, vampires feed on life fluid."
Dick: You mean tears?
Barbara: No.
Things might've ended with Barbara turning both Hal and Ollie into werewolves so they would stop hassling her, but I woke up first. But still, there was a lot of foreshadowing of the werewolf twist ending. I mean, why would Babs be able to do that if she never actually turned anyone into a werewolf?
ETA: It occurred to me that Barbara is totally justified in stranding Ollie on a desert island because she must've caught him cheating on Dinah.
Ollie was going to Translyvania (obviously, he and Hal were hard-traveling Victorians) and they visited a castle, where Barbara Gordon was a vampire (because the Joker had broken her back, but then she had staked him and scienmatifically changed his vamp bacteria so she could become a vampire and walk again but still be able to survive on people food.) Helena and Zinda were Barbara's brides, if you know what I mean. But since Zinda couldn't be a time-traveling WW2 aviator, she was a vampire pirate (who sailed Barbara from place to place, obviously).
Wait. It gets better.
Cass, Steph, and Misfit were vampires-in-waiting. They couldn't hunt or have the sex, so they just kinda hung out. (I've since determined that Barbara was waiting until they were of age to choose to become vampire sexythings, and that they occupied themselves writing subversive literature and smutty penny dreadfuls. Cass drew the pictures.)
Ollie was being a total asshole about the Irish and Protestants and such, but he managed to show Barbara a cameo of Dinah. And Barbara was like "shit, yo, my long-lost bride!" So they sailed to London and Barbara pushed Ollie off the ship in the middle of their voyage so he ended up doing the Green Arrow thing on a desert island.
Barbara: I'm going to eat your fiancee!
Ollie: No! You're going to drink her blood!
Barbara: ...yeah... let's go with that...
And then in London, Dinah was so relieved that she didn't have to get married and have sex. And she was all about the petticoats and the crinoline and the pretty pretty gowns. While Barbara wore trousers and drank liquor and smoked cigars and was all "screw the rules, I'm a
In the midst of all this Francis Ford Coppola-ing, Dinah and Barbara were walking through the bad part of a town when a mugger stole Dinah's purse! And punched her in the lip! After Barbara delivered a proper beatdown, she returned to find that Dinah had a split lip. Barbara asked to see it and Dinah took her hand away from the cut. There was blood on her finger. Things progressed as you would expect from the finger to the mouth and so on (which is to say, there was a great deal of "we mustn't!" from Dinah and "We must!" from Barbara, but really not at all as much "we mustn't!" from Dinah as you'd expect, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more).
So now London's all fucked up because vamps are sexing people up and there's smutty books being printed (in fact, I distinctly recall that Barbara started Dinah reading. Lady Chatterly's Lover in particular). Barda's a stern governess for Mr. Dark's children (I guess he was married to Granny Goodness), but then (humble dock worker and friend to orphans) Scott Free gets vamped and they're Doing It. In an alleyway, because a bed would be just too far. Luckily, fearless vampire hunter Professor Van Wayne and his Scoobies are on the job!
Dick, being hotheaded, went off on his own to stake Barbara, but she wasn't in her coffin because she had shit to do and just because it was daylight was no excuse for slacking off. (Don't be a hero, Dick.)
So he was like "Don't suck my blood!"
And she was all "Actually, vampires feed on life fluid."
Dick: You mean tears?
Barbara: No.
Things might've ended with Barbara turning both Hal and Ollie into werewolves so they would stop hassling her, but I woke up first. But still, there was a lot of foreshadowing of the werewolf twist ending. I mean, why would Babs be able to do that if she never actually turned anyone into a werewolf?
ETA: It occurred to me that Barbara is totally justified in stranding Ollie on a desert island because she must've caught him cheating on Dinah.
