Tango & Cass by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
seriousfic, Spider-Man and Batgirl, PG
Oct. 10th, 2008 08:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficTitle: Tango & Cass
Author:seriousfic
Fandom: Spider-Man/Batman
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,249
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Prompt:Peter Parker and Cassandra Cain.
Summary: Peter doesn’t know who this ‘Batman’ character is, but there’s no way he’s going to let him dress a young girl up as a gimp and make her fight crime.
Peter really could do without the Squadron Supreme rip-offs. Somehow their universes have merged and the Jerk League of America thinks they can push everyone around. Or at least his does.
Apparently the jerk-verse has five different New Yorks. Gwen and the Fantastic Four are in ‘Metropolis’, while he’s in Gotham, which is apparently mirror universe for “crap New York”. Their guy dresses like an animal too, only he fights guys with big honking scars and clown make-up. That’s their power. Oh, and scar dude has a coin with one side all nasty. Ooh, scary. Doc Ock has freaking tentacles. So, who should get to say ‘this is my city’? Plus, a cape? Really? A cape and a little kid in manties?
Peter doesn’t get one sidekick, yet this guy has about fifty of them. And the ones who weren’t underage got their start while underage. That just ain’t right; and Peter’s had teams-ups with Wanda and Pietro.
Cap and the Superman have an arrangement where Batman patrols at night and Spider-Man during the day. But with Sandman on the loose, Peter isn’t resting until that son of a beach is back in the Vault… or the Slab… or, you know, wherever.
Besides, evening isn’t night. And let’s see boomerangs (oh, sorry, “Batarangs”) hold up against Sandman. They don’t call him that because a freak industrial accident had glued sand to his face, driving him mad. They called him that cuz he was made of sand.
“That Starfire chick’s a cutie, though,” he told his grotesque conversational partner. “Red hair, fashion model, great bod… think that sounds like the gal for me, Bruce?”
The next gargoyle in line raised her pointed head. “Not Bruce, Cass. How did you… not even looking alike!”
“Hey, living gargoyle. Does this mean I have to watch out for Will Riker?”
“Batgirl! Grr-ul! I have breasts! Steph said they were very nice!” She pointed at him. “Don’t call Steph a liar!”
Peter held up his hands. “Hey, I know this lifestyle plays havoc on the dating life, but there’s no need to brag about the twins. More than a handful’s a waste, anyway.”
“Not…” she searched for the word, “coupling! You called me Batman! Am Girl! Clearly have genitals on the inside!”
“Lady, I can’t even tell if you have a mouth. Well, I guess if you’re talking…”
“I can’t even tell if you are Spider-Man or Spider-Boy!”
“What’s that supposed to hey I wear a cup, it’s unstable molecules, I have fans who are kids that I don’t want to scare. How about you, you look like a gimp. I don’t know if you’re going to save me from a fire or use a strap-on to—Hey, I didn’t call you Batman, I called you Bruce, well I called my gargoyle Bruce, ohmigod is Bruce Banner Batman?”
Batgirl stared at him. “Know too much. I erase memory now.”
Peter leapt back. “Ah hell no, there is no way I am letting some demonic-looking freak wipe my memory! That never ends well!”
“Not demonic! Steph said I look pretty. Braided my hair!”
”Hand over the gamma tube!”
Spider-Man looked down. Sandman was accosting Bruce Banner in the very alleyway he’d been watching. And the guy was still wearing stripes. Not only were they not very flattering, weight-wise, but he was a fugitive and yet he always wore that crap. Peter really needed to get his rogue’s gallery on What Not To Wear. The most memorable thing about a man with four mechanical limbs strapped to his chest shouldn’t have been a bowl haircut.
“Rain check, crazy lady. Maybe later you can wipe my memory the old-fashioned way: heavy drinking.” He swung down.
“You’re making me angry,” Banner was saying, “you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
“You should listen to him, Sandy. He gets mad enough, he could run you over in the Batmobile.”
“What?”
“What?”
Banner seized the initiative. “Spider-Man, he’s after my gamma tube! It’s my only hope of curing my… condition.”
“Does this have anything to do with the short green pants?”
Banner pushed up his glasses. “Actually, they’re usually purple.”
Sandman crushed a trash can with his giant sand-fist. “Hey, is Batman coming or not?”
“No, you’ve got me all to yourself.”
“Whew.”
“What do you mean, ‘whew’? I have the proportional strength and speed—“
Batgirl hit Sandman from behind, exploding him into a puff of sand. He reformed screaming.
”Batman! No no no no! Batmaaaaaan!”
“Girl!” Batgirl cried indignantly as she laid into Sandman. “Batgirl! I have breasts that are Steph-approved!”
Peter watched Sandman fall over himself in fear. “I feel so betrayed right now. Okay, NAMBLA boy, run for it.”
“NAMBLA boy?” Banner started running. “Rick and I aren’t that close…”
After Sandman had been defeated by the surprisingly effective means of Batgirl’s nerve-strikes (because apparently sand had nerves), Spidey and Batgirl grouped up for the traditional buddy-buddy and de-sanding.
“I suppose you can keep your memory if you promise not to tell Bruce’s secret.”
Peter knocked sand out of a place he hadn’t known he had places. “You have my word.”
“Pinky swear?”
“Pinky swear.”
“Good. Like the way you move. It’s funny.”
“Uh-huh. Hey, Batgirl, I know nothing’s cooler than getting a hug from someone you like…” Batgirl embraced him. “Yes, like that. You can let go now.” She didn’t. “Okay. But you do know that if someone touches you in a way or in a place that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s no good.”
“…dad made me feel uncomfortable sometimes.”
“It’s not your fault.” Peter patted her back. “What’d he do?”
“Shot me.”
“…Batgirl, would you like to go on a wondrous journey to a magical place called Child Protective Services?”
“Can we stop for a Happy Meal on the way?”
“Sure thing.”
“And get an ice cream cone?”
“Yeah.”
“And play in the ball-pit?”
“Of course. And I promise you, that’s the only kind of balls you’ll have to play with from now on.”
***
“And he keeps her in a cave all day and he never taught her to read!” Peter told the social worker. “Reading is fundamental!”
“There you are!” It was a new girl, dressed all in purple, and she had Batgirl looking up from her coloring book. “Where have you been, we’ve all been worried sick, well I’ve been worried sick, Batman was busy with that Joker-Goblin love thing…”
“You must be Steph,” Spider-Man said.
“Oh my god no I am not Batgirl you told him my real name!?”
“Slipped out.”
“S’okay, hon. What’re these guys doing? Are they trying to get you to register?” She turned and pointed at Spider-Man, hard. “If you D-bags made her join the Initiative then I am totally telling Green Arrow on you.”
”We’re not registering her, we’re teaching her how to read so she can enter a dreamland of magic at her local library!”
“Oh, don’t even talk to me, Bugman, I know your story. You beat your wife! Yeah, bet he didn’t tell you he was married, eh Batgirl? Gloves hide rings, don’t they Hank? Ya burnt!” Steph took Batgirl’s arm. “Come on, sweetie, let’s get you home.”
Batgirl hopped off the bench and kissed Spider-Man on the cheek before she left. “Thank you for Happy Meal. I liked the toy.”
Steph gestured at her eyes and then at Peter in an ‘I’m watching you’ gesture. Then they leapt out the window.
“So,” Peter reasoned, “do they both have learning disabilities?”
Author:
seriousficFandom: Spider-Man/Batman
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,249
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Prompt:Peter Parker and Cassandra Cain.
Summary: Peter doesn’t know who this ‘Batman’ character is, but there’s no way he’s going to let him dress a young girl up as a gimp and make her fight crime.
Peter really could do without the Squadron Supreme rip-offs. Somehow their universes have merged and the Jerk League of America thinks they can push everyone around. Or at least his does.
Apparently the jerk-verse has five different New Yorks. Gwen and the Fantastic Four are in ‘Metropolis’, while he’s in Gotham, which is apparently mirror universe for “crap New York”. Their guy dresses like an animal too, only he fights guys with big honking scars and clown make-up. That’s their power. Oh, and scar dude has a coin with one side all nasty. Ooh, scary. Doc Ock has freaking tentacles. So, who should get to say ‘this is my city’? Plus, a cape? Really? A cape and a little kid in manties?
Peter doesn’t get one sidekick, yet this guy has about fifty of them. And the ones who weren’t underage got their start while underage. That just ain’t right; and Peter’s had teams-ups with Wanda and Pietro.
Cap and the Superman have an arrangement where Batman patrols at night and Spider-Man during the day. But with Sandman on the loose, Peter isn’t resting until that son of a beach is back in the Vault… or the Slab… or, you know, wherever.
Besides, evening isn’t night. And let’s see boomerangs (oh, sorry, “Batarangs”) hold up against Sandman. They don’t call him that because a freak industrial accident had glued sand to his face, driving him mad. They called him that cuz he was made of sand.
“That Starfire chick’s a cutie, though,” he told his grotesque conversational partner. “Red hair, fashion model, great bod… think that sounds like the gal for me, Bruce?”
The next gargoyle in line raised her pointed head. “Not Bruce, Cass. How did you… not even looking alike!”
“Hey, living gargoyle. Does this mean I have to watch out for Will Riker?”
“Batgirl! Grr-ul! I have breasts! Steph said they were very nice!” She pointed at him. “Don’t call Steph a liar!”
Peter held up his hands. “Hey, I know this lifestyle plays havoc on the dating life, but there’s no need to brag about the twins. More than a handful’s a waste, anyway.”
“Not…” she searched for the word, “coupling! You called me Batman! Am Girl! Clearly have genitals on the inside!”
“Lady, I can’t even tell if you have a mouth. Well, I guess if you’re talking…”
“I can’t even tell if you are Spider-Man or Spider-Boy!”
“What’s that supposed to hey I wear a cup, it’s unstable molecules, I have fans who are kids that I don’t want to scare. How about you, you look like a gimp. I don’t know if you’re going to save me from a fire or use a strap-on to—Hey, I didn’t call you Batman, I called you Bruce, well I called my gargoyle Bruce, ohmigod is Bruce Banner Batman?”
Batgirl stared at him. “Know too much. I erase memory now.”
Peter leapt back. “Ah hell no, there is no way I am letting some demonic-looking freak wipe my memory! That never ends well!”
“Not demonic! Steph said I look pretty. Braided my hair!”
”Hand over the gamma tube!”
Spider-Man looked down. Sandman was accosting Bruce Banner in the very alleyway he’d been watching. And the guy was still wearing stripes. Not only were they not very flattering, weight-wise, but he was a fugitive and yet he always wore that crap. Peter really needed to get his rogue’s gallery on What Not To Wear. The most memorable thing about a man with four mechanical limbs strapped to his chest shouldn’t have been a bowl haircut.
“Rain check, crazy lady. Maybe later you can wipe my memory the old-fashioned way: heavy drinking.” He swung down.
“You’re making me angry,” Banner was saying, “you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
“You should listen to him, Sandy. He gets mad enough, he could run you over in the Batmobile.”
“What?”
“What?”
Banner seized the initiative. “Spider-Man, he’s after my gamma tube! It’s my only hope of curing my… condition.”
“Does this have anything to do with the short green pants?”
Banner pushed up his glasses. “Actually, they’re usually purple.”
Sandman crushed a trash can with his giant sand-fist. “Hey, is Batman coming or not?”
“No, you’ve got me all to yourself.”
“Whew.”
“What do you mean, ‘whew’? I have the proportional strength and speed—“
Batgirl hit Sandman from behind, exploding him into a puff of sand. He reformed screaming.
”Batman! No no no no! Batmaaaaaan!”
“Girl!” Batgirl cried indignantly as she laid into Sandman. “Batgirl! I have breasts that are Steph-approved!”
Peter watched Sandman fall over himself in fear. “I feel so betrayed right now. Okay, NAMBLA boy, run for it.”
“NAMBLA boy?” Banner started running. “Rick and I aren’t that close…”
After Sandman had been defeated by the surprisingly effective means of Batgirl’s nerve-strikes (because apparently sand had nerves), Spidey and Batgirl grouped up for the traditional buddy-buddy and de-sanding.
“I suppose you can keep your memory if you promise not to tell Bruce’s secret.”
Peter knocked sand out of a place he hadn’t known he had places. “You have my word.”
“Pinky swear?”
“Pinky swear.”
“Good. Like the way you move. It’s funny.”
“Uh-huh. Hey, Batgirl, I know nothing’s cooler than getting a hug from someone you like…” Batgirl embraced him. “Yes, like that. You can let go now.” She didn’t. “Okay. But you do know that if someone touches you in a way or in a place that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s no good.”
“…dad made me feel uncomfortable sometimes.”
“It’s not your fault.” Peter patted her back. “What’d he do?”
“Shot me.”
“…Batgirl, would you like to go on a wondrous journey to a magical place called Child Protective Services?”
“Can we stop for a Happy Meal on the way?”
“Sure thing.”
“And get an ice cream cone?”
“Yeah.”
“And play in the ball-pit?”
“Of course. And I promise you, that’s the only kind of balls you’ll have to play with from now on.”
***
“And he keeps her in a cave all day and he never taught her to read!” Peter told the social worker. “Reading is fundamental!”
“There you are!” It was a new girl, dressed all in purple, and she had Batgirl looking up from her coloring book. “Where have you been, we’ve all been worried sick, well I’ve been worried sick, Batman was busy with that Joker-Goblin love thing…”
“You must be Steph,” Spider-Man said.
“Oh my god no I am not Batgirl you told him my real name!?”
“Slipped out.”
“S’okay, hon. What’re these guys doing? Are they trying to get you to register?” She turned and pointed at Spider-Man, hard. “If you D-bags made her join the Initiative then I am totally telling Green Arrow on you.”
”We’re not registering her, we’re teaching her how to read so she can enter a dreamland of magic at her local library!”
“Oh, don’t even talk to me, Bugman, I know your story. You beat your wife! Yeah, bet he didn’t tell you he was married, eh Batgirl? Gloves hide rings, don’t they Hank? Ya burnt!” Steph took Batgirl’s arm. “Come on, sweetie, let’s get you home.”
Batgirl hopped off the bench and kissed Spider-Man on the cheek before she left. “Thank you for Happy Meal. I liked the toy.”
Steph gestured at her eyes and then at Peter in an ‘I’m watching you’ gesture. Then they leapt out the window.
“So,” Peter reasoned, “do they both have learning disabilities?”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 02:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 04:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 04:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 07:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-11 09:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-12 09:14 pm (UTC)I think it's an improvement.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-13 05:49 am (UTC)Comic gold!
This was a hilarious fic. Love Spiderman's take on the Justice League :)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 12:32 am (UTC)I'm not entirely sure what the best line of this fic was but I think it's:
"I have breasts that are Steph approved!"
no subject
Date: 2009-07-04 04:48 am (UTC)