The Dark Knight, briefly
Aug. 27th, 2008 01:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficThe Joker starts his bank robbery/social experiment, having all the other robbers kill each other so he can get all the money (which he doesn’t care about. It’s okay, this feeds into my pet theory). But suddenly…
UNEXPECTED WILLIAM FICHTNER!: YOU FUCKERS, I WAS ABOUT TO FIND MICHAEL SCOFIELD!
EVEN MORE UNEXPECTED HEATH LEDGER!: What doesn’t kill you only makes you stranger!
William Fichtner: Oh my God! Trevor Goodchild!
Joker: No! I’m the Joker!
Last Bank Robber: So you’re going to kill me?
Joker: No, the getaway school bus is when it drives through the wall.
Last Bank Robber: Oh, come off it. I know you’re a wunderkind bank robber, but how could anyone arrange for someone else to be standing in the spot where a bus drove through the…
A bus drives through the wall and runs him over.
Joker: I’m the villain in the first hundred minutes of a comic book movie, I can pretty much do anything.
***
Bat-Signal: Shiny!
Not!ReneeMontoya: He’s not coming?
Gordon: No, he’s usually busy.
Not!Montoya: Then how does he know if there’s an emergency?
Gordon: It’s the 21st century, I text him.
Dan Didio: Hold on now, we need a reference to the Silver Age or this movie isn’t complete!
Gordon: Sigh… with a red cell-phone.
***
Chechen: Scarecrow, the drugs you’re selling me are turning my customers into freakazoids! They’re supposed to send them on happy trips! Haven’t you ever seen the Harold & Kumar movies? It’s supposed to be like that, only with less insightful racial commentary and Neil Patrick Harris!
Scarecrow: Honestly, I’m a guy whose idea of a scary supervillain costume is wearing a bag over my head. You’re lucky I didn’t sell you copies of Life magazine and tell you “get high on this”.
Expected!Batman: *is unexpected!Batman*
Chechen: Unfortunately for you, we’ve prepared a special anti-Batman weapon!
Dogs: *Woof!*
Fake!Batmen: Awww, wook at da doggies…
Real!Batman shows up with a bunch of power-armor tools that are never seen again, despite their clear usefulness.
Batman: Go-go-gadget-claw! Lay off me, Iron Man was very inspiring… Hey, I’m getting a text from Gordon!
Gordon: DY realy nd 2 crash yr Batmobile thru walls n blo ^ evryting jst 2 bust sum drug dealers? onestly now, ur costing d CT a fortuN n damages!
Scarecrow: By the way, I’m in this movie!
Batman: Hi.
Scarecrow: And now I’m not.
***
Bat-dweebs: How come you can fight crime and we can’t?
Batman: Because your voices aren’t nearly silly enough.
Bat-dweebs: What if we were preteen girls in purple costumes?
Batman: No. Purple would be stupid. Besides, imagine the uproar if you were killed.
***
Gordon: The Joker robbed another bank.
Batman: I’ll look into it.
Gordon: You’ve been saying that for the last three years!
Batman: …I’m look into that too.
Gordon: Anyway, with these marked bills…
Batman: Yeah, YOU’RE WELCOME, by the way.
Gordon: We’ve managed to find where the Mob is keeping all its money, but to raid it, we’ll need Harvey Dent’s help.
Batman: What’re the odds he’ll turn out to be a supervillain and try to destroy the city? I’ve been burned before, you know.
Gordon: Hey, I’m Gary fucking Oldman and so far I’ve been in two hours-plus of this American-made movie without going psycho. I’d say Aaron Eckhart’s odds are pretty good.
***
Alfred: Bruce, honey, you didn’t come to bed last night…
Bruce: Alright, let’s stop that joke right in its tracks. I was mauled by a dog and if I wanted incest jokes, I’d either get myself a Robin or write Supernatural fic. By the way, what’s with this Harvey Dent guy? What’s so great about him?
Alfred: I heard Harvey Dent went hunting once. There were no survivors.
Bruce: What does Rachel see in him?
Alfred: He loves America, but in a totally platonic way.
Superman: Hey-o, just popping in to tell you that stalking Rachel is wrong.
Bruce: I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU, OKAY?
Superman: This is why we can’t have a team-up movie. GOODBYE FOREVER!
Alfred: I hope you don’t have me followed on my days off.
Bruce: Don’t be ridiculous. I have you followed all the time.
Alfred: Even in the…
Bruce: ESPECIALLY in the shower. By the way, I have no limits. NO COMEUPPANCE!
***
Harvey: Sorry I’m late, ladies and gentlemen, I was having my balls shrunk. It was just too much weight to haul around.
Rachel: Oh, Harvey, I wished you love me as much as you loved justice.
Harvey: I do. Like I love all living things. Except for you, Maroni, WHO I HATE WITH THE PASSION OF A THOUSAND BURNING SUNS!!! Um, ignore that, I had a little too much sugar when Rachel and I shared a milkshake earlier. Your honor, permission to continue living?
Witness: OBJECTION!
Harvey: OVERRULED! WITH MY FIST!
Defense Attorney: Your honor, counsel is making the jury fall in love with him!
Judge: I’ll allow it. Swooooooooon.
***
Gordon: SO I HERD U LIEK JUSTICE!
Harvey: FUCK YEAH JUSTICE!
***
Lau: SO I HERD U LIKE MONEY!
Fox: I think I speak for all of the board when I say FUCK YEAH MONEY!
Bruce: Zzzzzzzzzzz…
***
Reese: Mr. Fox, Mr. Wayne is totally embarrassing us! Once, he said that Friends was better than Seinfeld!
Fox: You let me worry about Mr. Wayne. I’m the avuncular black mentor figure and I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Gotham felt free.
Reese: Ummm… okay… I’ll just go file some paperwork.
***
Bruce: Lucius, I need a new suit. The kids have bought all the action figures of the old one.
Lucius: You want to turn your head… and a kung-fu grip?
Bruce: And maybe one of those eyepieces you can look through, like the old Bionic Man doll had.
***
Harvey: After a long day of putting away crooks and dealing with corrupt cops, it’s so nice to get away from all those freaks and have a nice dinner.
Bruce: Hi, Harvey, hi Rachel, OMG I LOVE YOU LET’S MAKE A BABY!
Rachel: Hi Bruce. Wanna discuss vigilantism?
Bruce: Vigilantism sucks. *wink wink*
Harvey: I love vigilantism! Batman is so cool!
Bruce: …(you fucking bastard)…
Ivana Humpalot: What if Harvey Dent is Batman?
Harvey: If I weren’t giving someone kind, giving sex, followed by a vigorous and erotic full-body massage, she’d notice.
Bruce: …I can’t WAIT until you’re a supervillain. So I can hit you.
***
Lau: Ladies and gentlemen of the Mafia, I have secured all your money ahead of time in a Super-Saver account. And with your deposit you get two free tickets to the next fine release from Paramount.
Joker: Yes, but go one cent over the limit and the interest rates will kill you!
Maroni: Hey, it’s the guy who’s been stealing from us! Why shouldn’t we kill you?
Joker: I’m too AWESOME to kill.
Chechen: He’s right.
Joker: I have a proposal. Wind the clock back a year. These cops and lawyers wouldn’t have dared to cross you. Now they’re crossing like there’s no tomorrow! They’re cross-stitching, criss-crossing, crossing Jordan. We need to set up some kind of crossing-guard!
Maroni: Such as?
Joker: It’s simple, we kill the Batman!
Maroni: Wow. Kill the Batman. Why didn’t we think of that?
Joker: Alright, let’s hear your plan!
Chechen: Bigger dogs. With spikes on their collars.
Joker: Yeah…
Chechen: And maybe they could spit bees when they bark…
Maroni: Stop talking now. See, Joker, everything’s under control.
Joker: Then I guess I’ll just leave. Call me if you change your minds. Here’s my card…
Maroni: This is just a playing card. How are we supposed to use it to contact you?
Joker: If you split it open, you’ll find fragments of a bullet. Reconstruct that and you’ll have a thumbprint, which you can follow to an apartment I’ve rented, in which there is a phone ringing that you can answer. That’s how I’ll contact you.
Maroni: …couldn’t you just have a Livejournal?
Joker: Hey now, I’m crazy and genocidal, but I still have standards!
***
Harvey: Way to go, Gordon, your totally corrupt cops screwed the pooch!
Gordon: My cops!? The mission went south when your office got involved!
Harvey: YOU SHOULD’VE KEPT ME IN THE LOOP!
Batman: STOP IT! STOP FIGHTING! I HATE YOU BOTH!
Gordon: Are you happy? Now you’ve made him cry!
***
Bruce: Lucius, *sniff*, I need a way to kidnap a guy out of a skyscraper.
Lucius: I see nothing at all suspicious about that. Your new suit is ready, by the way.
Bruce: Did you add a cape and mask to it, like I requested?
Lucius: And a bat on the chest. What do you need it for, anyway?
Bruce: …stuff.
***
Alfred: Master Wayne, I’d just like to remind you that you need to get over Rachel.
Bruce: That’s great. Did you think of an alibi?
Alfred: And a way to pointless inconvenience hundreds, along with your childhood friend and new ally in the war on crime.
Bruce: Score!
***
Bruce: Make sure none of these ballerinas think to mention the extremely suspicious way I ditched them and took off in a private plane.
Alfred: If there’s one people we can trust, I think it’s the Russians.
***
Lucius: I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.
Lau: …Mr. Fox, are you wasting my time?
Lucius: I hope not.
***
Bruce: BATMAN’D!
Lau: Well shit.
***
Not!Montoya: Lieutenant, look! It’s Lau!
Gordon: Next time I’m asking for Batman to bring me Scarlett Johansson.
***
Rachel: Talk!
Lau: Or else what?
Rachel: I changed from Rachel Holmes… what makes you think I can’t change back?
Lau: No! No! Wait, would you show your tits like you did in The Gift?
Rachel: *shakes head*
Lau: NO!
***
Mayor: Harvey Dent, you’ve just locked up half the criminals in Gotham City. What’s next for you?
Harvey: Finding out why you wear eye-liner.
Mayor: It’s not a crime to want to look pretty, damnit! Not since I legalized it!
Harvey: The only thing that could ruin this day is if a corpse dropped from the sky!
Fake!Batman: Yay, my part’s bigger than the Scarecrow’s!
Harvey: I was wrong, my day is still awesome! Gooooooo justice!
***
Bruce: The Joker is truly sick. He videotaped himself torturing my imitator and then sent it to the media.
Alfred: Worse, he posted it on Youtube.
WolfySnackrib666: FAKE!!!!!!!1!
DrrtyDJ69: Tits or GTFO!
***
Bruce: Okay, there’s a psychotic killer targeting me and he’s willing to torment innocent people to get to me? What to do, what to do…
Alfred: If I may make a suggestion, Master Wayne… PARTY DOWN!
Bruce: WOOOOOOO!
Harvey: Told you a dead body wouldn’t ruin my day.
Bruce: Harv, at first I thought you were a scaly douche. But now that I’ve shared a bromantic evening with you, I can see that you’re alright and I’m better off without Rachel. I mean, come on, childhood friends grow up into star-crossed lovers? What the fuck is this, Smallville? Harvey, you’re the ironic, ironic face of Gotham’s ironic future.
Rachel: Harvey may not know when you’re making fun of him, but I do!
Bruce: I meant every word.
Rachel: Then Harvey may know when you’re not making fun of him, but I don’t!
Bruce: I truly do respect and admire Harvey. Which is why it’s okay for me to steal his girl now.
***
MEANWHILE!
Judge: *burninated*
Commissioner: *poisoned*
Gordon: Man, I hope my total failure to protect these three doesn’t hinder my career.
***
Harvey: Rachel, all this death and destruction and the threat of impending doom has put me in a romantic mood. Let’s get married!
Rachel: But what about Bruce?
Harvey: As if you have the slightest bit of chemistry with him.
Rachel: He’s actually very stable. If our relationship can survive me telling him that his dead father would be ashamed of him, it can survive anything.
Harvey: I’m sure he would take our engagement very well.
Bruce: BATMAN’D!
Rachel: Oh, thank God, you can get him out of harm’s way before the Joker shows up!
Bruce: The Joker’s coming?
***
Joker: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! I’m the villain!
Party Guest: How come your face isn’t bleached white? I mean, make-up and hair dye? Such rhetorical nonsense.
Joker: WHO SAID THAT!?
Rachel: Leave them alone. It’s me you want!
Joker: Well, hello beautiful. Been fitted for a refrigerator yet?
Rachel: Since the first movie, bitch.
Joker: A little fight in you… I like that.
Rachel: You have cool scars. I like that.
Joker: You have the face of a handsome fifty-year-old. I like that.
Rachel: You’re not afraid to experiment with purple. I like that.
Joker: So, uh… you doing anything after the hostage situation?
Batman: JOKER! YOUR REIGN OF MADNESS ENDS… BEFORE IT BEGINS!
Joker: Take off your mask or the girl dies! Choose! Your secret identity… or the woman you love… or a busload of kids?
Batman: What?
Joker: What?
Rachel: What?
Joker: Screw it, think up a punchline for me on the way down!
Rachel: EEEEEEEEEK!
Batman: BATMAN’D!
Rachel: My hero! Thank you! …shouldn’t you be going back up and catching the Joker?
Batman: I’m sure things are fine. So, are you sure you’re okay?
Party Guest: OH GOD! OH GOD!
Rachel: I’m fine. You?
Joker: HAHAHAHAHA!
Batman: I’ve actually lost a little hearing in my left ear, I’m seeing a doctor on Monday.
***
Gordon: Harvey and Dent are dead, not Harvey Dent. I shudder to think what the Joker has done with Prince Albert and a can…
Batman: I need to do some detectiving. Because I’m a detective. Sometimes. I mean, I’m pretty observant…
Not!Montoya: IT’S YOUR FAULT THESE COPS ARE DEAD!
Batman: You’re pretty judgmental for a corrupt cop.
Not!Montoya: Feh, I’m a minority and I’m helping to kill innocent people only so I can take care of my sick mother. I’m pretty much the next Gandhi.
***
Alfred: What if this is all an trap, sir?
Bruce: Come on. Just in case I was able to pull fingerprints off a shattered bullet, the Joker set up an elaborate scheme to kill me? That beggars belief.
Belief: *beggared*
***
Gordon: Don’t worry, Mr. Mayor, I’m prepared to sacrifice my own life if necessary to protect you.
Mayor: Couldn’t we just… postpone the funeral? Or not make me do a speech?
Gordon: Mr. Mayor, the people of Gotham need to see your luscious eyelashes to get through these trying times.
***
The Joker has managed to replace the honor guard and left all the fit young men tied up in their underwear for Batman to find.
Bruce: Really not shedding that Brokeback Mountain image, are we?
***
Shit: *goes down*
***
Nolan: Gordon is dead!
Audience: 0_0
NolaN: JK!
***
Batman: Tell me where the Joker is or I’ll drop you!
Maroni: Alright, you win. Here’s his card.
Batman: DON’T PLAY GAMES WITH ME!
Gravity: *works*
Maroni: MY LEG! Listen, you freak, either you take off your mask or you keep letting people die! Which is it gonna be?
Batman: Ummm… Door number 3?
***
Bruce: I can’t do this anymore, Alfred. I’m the star of this show, it’s about time I get some character development.
Harvey: I’M THE BATMAN!
Bruce: …is he a villain yet?
Alfred: No.
Bruce: Is he a villain yet?
Alfred: No!
***
Rachel: How dare you let Harvey take the fall for you, Bruce aka Batman! If only there were something I could do… some knowledge I possessed…
Bruce: Looks like there isn’t. Cheerio!
***
Police: Don’t you worry, Dent. The only way the Joker could take you out is if he knew your route, had mindboggling access to military technology, and had men planted on our tertiary route to take out our air support.
Joker: WHY SO SERIOUS?
Batman: BATMAN’D!
Joker: JOKER’D!
Gordon: GORDON’D!
Audience: FTW!
***
Harvey: Gordon! OMG! ZOMBIE! HE’S A ZOMBIE!
Gordon: No, Dent, I faked my death for dramatic impact. I guess now I can go home to my loving son James Jr.
Fangirls: OMG, HE DIDN’T SAY BARBARA GORDON! MISOGYNY! MISOGYNEEEEEEEEEE!
***
Gordon: Where’s Dent?
Joker: Did you check your pockets?
Gordon: I don’t have time for games!
Joker: What, no Parcheesi?
Gordon: I’m warning you…
Joker: What’re you gonna do?
Batman: BATMAN’D!
Joker: Joke’s on you! I like being Batman’d!
Batman: Oh, eww. Where’s Dent!?
Joker: Don’t you mean where’s Rachel?
Batman: …WHERE ARE THEY!?
Joker: I’ll tell you, but first you have to listen to me speechify for a bit. We’re two sides of the same coin, locked in a never-ending struggle… you want to write this down?
Batman: I’ll remember it.
Joker: Never-ending struggle… oh, alright, Dent’s at Avenue X, Rachel’s at Cicero. But I’ve wasted so much of your time that you only have time to rescue one!
Batman: Good thing you know exactly how fast my Bat-pod, which you have utterly no experience with, is.
Joker: And that there are no officers closer to the scene. Yup, it’s pretty nice being the villain in the first hundred minutes of a comic book movie…
Batman: I think we’re into the third hour here.
Joker: Who’s counting?
***
Batman: RACHEL! RACHEL! Wait, you’re not Rachel, you’re much too pretty!
Harvey: Batman! Quick, cut the ropes so I can run out of here!
Batman: Quicker just to carry you!
Building: *splode!*
Harvey: GAK!
Batman: …oops.
***
Gordon: Nick of time!
Building: *also splode!*
Rachel: GAK!
Gordon: Well, my career as commissioner is off to a great start.
***
Joker: Good thing for me that they left an easily manipulated cop to guard me instead of just leaving me in a cell.
Fat prisoner: *GAK and splode!*
Lau: Wait, I’m still in this movie?
Joker: Yup.
***
Gordon: He wanted to be caught! It was all one giant set-up! And here’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a box!
Tony Stark: First Batman steals my power-suit idea and now this!?
***
Gordon: Harvey, I have good news. You’re going to save a fortune in cosmetics. And shaving will only take half as long…
Harvey: You remember that name they used to call me back at IA? What was it?
Gordon: Queermo?
Harvey: No, the other one.
Gordon: Pencil dick?
Harvey: No, the other, other one.
Gordon: General Zod?
Harvey: TWO-FACE! I AM TWO-FACE!
Gordon: Well, more like .5-Face, but who’s counting?
***
Engel: Breaking news! The true identity of Batman! And I’m not wearing any pants! Film at eleven.
Joker: LEAVE MY BOYFRIEND ALONE! Free unexploded hospital to whoever kills the lawyer!
Reese: Fuck! Actions having consequences! Who would’ve guessed!?
***
Reese: Alive!
Gotham: Rassem frassem…
Bruce: BATMAN’D! Uh, or something. I like chocolate.
***
Joker: Hello, I’m your nurse.
Harvey: I knew HMOs were bad, but this is ridiculous!
Joker: I just want to say that just because everything I’ve done has been part of a complex, nigh-Machiavellian scheme, doesn’t mean that I have a plan. Really, I go full retard every day. Embrace chaos! Introduce a little anarchy! Vote Ron Paul!
Harvey: I find your ideas interesting and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
***
Hospital: *splode!*
Nolan: Congratulations! You’re our one hundredth explosion! Julia, tell the lucky explosion what it’s won!
Julia: You’ll go to Hollywood, California to meet with Hollywood mega-director Michael Bay.
Splode: OMG! HE IS MY THINSPIRATION!
***
Harvey has a roaring rampage of revenge, because what else do you do when a cross-dressing Heath Ledger in clown make-up visits you in the hospital?
Not!Montoya: Kill Wuertz! I only helped kill the woman you loved to help my sick mother!
Harvey: Shut up! I don’t care how sympathetic you are or what your story is! I’m totally motivated by blind chance! *flips coin* Ho-kay, apparently blind chance is politically correct.
Wuertz: GAK!
Maroni: But I get to live, right?
Harvey: The coin said you get to live, so I’m going to kill you anyway.
Maroni: Wait a minute, that’s not how it works…
Harvey: I’ve found that nobody really cares so long as I’m not dancing around with a Ritalin-deprived Jim Carrey in skintight spandex.
***
Gordon: Mr. Mayor, we have to evacuate Gotham. We’ll use the ferries. One will take only the nicest and cleanest of Gotham, those who prefer Seinfeld to Friends, and the other will take the degenerate criminals.
Mayor: Wait, why are we evacuating the degenerate criminals ahead of the second most nicest and cleanest Gothamites?
Gordon: Dramatic necessity.
***
Joker: Alright, people… you, a nun, a pregnant woman, and your mother are in a lifeboat. It’s taking on water and one of you has to go overboard to save the others. Who do you let drown?
Batman: I’m here to stop your sadistic attempts to make people relive their freshmen morality courses, Joker!
Joker: I have dogs!
Batman: Yeah, because those worked out so well in the past.
Joker: What about hitting you with a lead pipe?
Batman: …surprisingly effective. Thanks for the new armor, Lucius!
***
Harvey: Gordon, I have your family.
Gordon: Oh no! Another climax!? This movie has already ended more times than Return of the King!
***
Regular Joe: KILL ALL CRIMINALS… nah, can’t do it.
***
Warden: Here, take the detonator and KILL ALL NICE PEOPLE!
Scary Black Man: Or we could sit around and wait to die. I’m serving a life sentence, so I’ve gotta go with what I know.
***
Batman: See? Gotham is full of good people!
Warden: Actually, I was totally willing to let hundreds be killed to save my own skin.
Regular Joe: And the only reason I didn’t kill hundreds of people was that I was too squeamish.
Batman: Goooooood people!
Joker: You say that now, but what about when I take away Harvey Dent’s pretty!?
Batman: No! Not the pretty!
***
Gordon: Barbara? Jim? Other child whose face I’ve never actually seen?
Harvey: BOOYAH!
Gordon: …alright, I pretty much suck as a cop, don’t I?
Harvey: Now I’ll take my revenge on you for saving me and letting Rachel die!
Batman: Actually, we were totally prepared to let you die and save Rachel.
Gordon: Yup. That was the plan.
Harvey: Oh. I guess my entire revenge plot is a little stupid.
Batman: Especially the part where you let the Joker get away, then begin to arbitrarily kill people who were at most indirectly responsible for Rachel’s death.
Harvey: SHUT UP! I HATE YOUR BATMAN VOICE!
Gun: *bang*
Batman: Ow.
Harvey: Now to kill your son! Totally going to kill your son! Here’s your son, dying! One death, coming up! Ain’t gonna be alive no more! Here I—
Batman: BATMAN’D!
Harvey: But I was supposed to be the villain in Batman 3!
Batman: Just say it.
Harvey: *sigh* GAK!
Gordon: What’ll we do? If the people of Gotham found out that he went crazy after being horribly scarred and losing the love of his life, then all the criminals he’s arrested will be put out on the streets!
Batman: Is that how that works? Really?
Gordon: Yeah! He killed five people! Two of them cops!
Batman: Are you sure you’re counting right?
Gordon: Pretty sure.
Batman: And how do you know, anyway?
Gordon: I’m the police commissioner. I know things.
Batman: Yeah, but you’re not very good at it. Way I see it, you’re still kind of coasting on blowing up a monorail in the first movie.
Gordon: Just get out of here so I can give my big speech.
Batman: Okay. DARRRRRRRK VENGEANCE!!!
James Jr.: Dad, why does he have to run?
Gordon: Because he’s not a hero. He’s something more. He’s someone who stands up against evil, not caring what people think of him!
James Jr.: That’s a hero.
Gordon: No, he’s willing to do whatever it takes to right wrongs, even if it involves a great deal of personal sacrifice.
James Jr.: Hero.
Gordon: A man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities!
James Jr.: Hero.
Gordon: A large sandwich, usually consisting of a small loaf of bread or long roll cut in half lengthwise and containing a variety of ingredients, as meat, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes.
James Jr.: Hero.
Gordon: NO! He’s apirate dark knight!
UNEXPECTED WILLIAM FICHTNER!: YOU FUCKERS, I WAS ABOUT TO FIND MICHAEL SCOFIELD!
EVEN MORE UNEXPECTED HEATH LEDGER!: What doesn’t kill you only makes you stranger!
William Fichtner: Oh my God! Trevor Goodchild!
Joker: No! I’m the Joker!
Last Bank Robber: So you’re going to kill me?
Joker: No, the getaway school bus is when it drives through the wall.
Last Bank Robber: Oh, come off it. I know you’re a wunderkind bank robber, but how could anyone arrange for someone else to be standing in the spot where a bus drove through the…
A bus drives through the wall and runs him over.
Joker: I’m the villain in the first hundred minutes of a comic book movie, I can pretty much do anything.
***
Bat-Signal: Shiny!
Not!ReneeMontoya: He’s not coming?
Gordon: No, he’s usually busy.
Not!Montoya: Then how does he know if there’s an emergency?
Gordon: It’s the 21st century, I text him.
Dan Didio: Hold on now, we need a reference to the Silver Age or this movie isn’t complete!
Gordon: Sigh… with a red cell-phone.
***
Chechen: Scarecrow, the drugs you’re selling me are turning my customers into freakazoids! They’re supposed to send them on happy trips! Haven’t you ever seen the Harold & Kumar movies? It’s supposed to be like that, only with less insightful racial commentary and Neil Patrick Harris!
Scarecrow: Honestly, I’m a guy whose idea of a scary supervillain costume is wearing a bag over my head. You’re lucky I didn’t sell you copies of Life magazine and tell you “get high on this”.
Expected!Batman: *is unexpected!Batman*
Chechen: Unfortunately for you, we’ve prepared a special anti-Batman weapon!
Dogs: *Woof!*
Fake!Batmen: Awww, wook at da doggies…
Real!Batman shows up with a bunch of power-armor tools that are never seen again, despite their clear usefulness.
Batman: Go-go-gadget-claw! Lay off me, Iron Man was very inspiring… Hey, I’m getting a text from Gordon!
Gordon: DY realy nd 2 crash yr Batmobile thru walls n blo ^ evryting jst 2 bust sum drug dealers? onestly now, ur costing d CT a fortuN n damages!
Scarecrow: By the way, I’m in this movie!
Batman: Hi.
Scarecrow: And now I’m not.
***
Bat-dweebs: How come you can fight crime and we can’t?
Batman: Because your voices aren’t nearly silly enough.
Bat-dweebs: What if we were preteen girls in purple costumes?
Batman: No. Purple would be stupid. Besides, imagine the uproar if you were killed.
***
Gordon: The Joker robbed another bank.
Batman: I’ll look into it.
Gordon: You’ve been saying that for the last three years!
Batman: …I’m look into that too.
Gordon: Anyway, with these marked bills…
Batman: Yeah, YOU’RE WELCOME, by the way.
Gordon: We’ve managed to find where the Mob is keeping all its money, but to raid it, we’ll need Harvey Dent’s help.
Batman: What’re the odds he’ll turn out to be a supervillain and try to destroy the city? I’ve been burned before, you know.
Gordon: Hey, I’m Gary fucking Oldman and so far I’ve been in two hours-plus of this American-made movie without going psycho. I’d say Aaron Eckhart’s odds are pretty good.
***
Alfred: Bruce, honey, you didn’t come to bed last night…
Bruce: Alright, let’s stop that joke right in its tracks. I was mauled by a dog and if I wanted incest jokes, I’d either get myself a Robin or write Supernatural fic. By the way, what’s with this Harvey Dent guy? What’s so great about him?
Alfred: I heard Harvey Dent went hunting once. There were no survivors.
Bruce: What does Rachel see in him?
Alfred: He loves America, but in a totally platonic way.
Superman: Hey-o, just popping in to tell you that stalking Rachel is wrong.
Bruce: I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU, OKAY?
Superman: This is why we can’t have a team-up movie. GOODBYE FOREVER!
Alfred: I hope you don’t have me followed on my days off.
Bruce: Don’t be ridiculous. I have you followed all the time.
Alfred: Even in the…
Bruce: ESPECIALLY in the shower. By the way, I have no limits. NO COMEUPPANCE!
***
Harvey: Sorry I’m late, ladies and gentlemen, I was having my balls shrunk. It was just too much weight to haul around.
Rachel: Oh, Harvey, I wished you love me as much as you loved justice.
Harvey: I do. Like I love all living things. Except for you, Maroni, WHO I HATE WITH THE PASSION OF A THOUSAND BURNING SUNS!!! Um, ignore that, I had a little too much sugar when Rachel and I shared a milkshake earlier. Your honor, permission to continue living?
Witness: OBJECTION!
Harvey: OVERRULED! WITH MY FIST!
Defense Attorney: Your honor, counsel is making the jury fall in love with him!
Judge: I’ll allow it. Swooooooooon.
***
Gordon: SO I HERD U LIEK JUSTICE!
Harvey: FUCK YEAH JUSTICE!
***
Lau: SO I HERD U LIKE MONEY!
Fox: I think I speak for all of the board when I say FUCK YEAH MONEY!
Bruce: Zzzzzzzzzzz…
***
Reese: Mr. Fox, Mr. Wayne is totally embarrassing us! Once, he said that Friends was better than Seinfeld!
Fox: You let me worry about Mr. Wayne. I’m the avuncular black mentor figure and I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Gotham felt free.
Reese: Ummm… okay… I’ll just go file some paperwork.
***
Bruce: Lucius, I need a new suit. The kids have bought all the action figures of the old one.
Lucius: You want to turn your head… and a kung-fu grip?
Bruce: And maybe one of those eyepieces you can look through, like the old Bionic Man doll had.
***
Harvey: After a long day of putting away crooks and dealing with corrupt cops, it’s so nice to get away from all those freaks and have a nice dinner.
Bruce: Hi, Harvey, hi Rachel, OMG I LOVE YOU LET’S MAKE A BABY!
Rachel: Hi Bruce. Wanna discuss vigilantism?
Bruce: Vigilantism sucks. *wink wink*
Harvey: I love vigilantism! Batman is so cool!
Bruce: …(you fucking bastard)…
Ivana Humpalot: What if Harvey Dent is Batman?
Harvey: If I weren’t giving someone kind, giving sex, followed by a vigorous and erotic full-body massage, she’d notice.
Bruce: …I can’t WAIT until you’re a supervillain. So I can hit you.
***
Lau: Ladies and gentlemen of the Mafia, I have secured all your money ahead of time in a Super-Saver account. And with your deposit you get two free tickets to the next fine release from Paramount.
Joker: Yes, but go one cent over the limit and the interest rates will kill you!
Maroni: Hey, it’s the guy who’s been stealing from us! Why shouldn’t we kill you?
Joker: I’m too AWESOME to kill.
Chechen: He’s right.
Joker: I have a proposal. Wind the clock back a year. These cops and lawyers wouldn’t have dared to cross you. Now they’re crossing like there’s no tomorrow! They’re cross-stitching, criss-crossing, crossing Jordan. We need to set up some kind of crossing-guard!
Maroni: Such as?
Joker: It’s simple, we kill the Batman!
Maroni: Wow. Kill the Batman. Why didn’t we think of that?
Joker: Alright, let’s hear your plan!
Chechen: Bigger dogs. With spikes on their collars.
Joker: Yeah…
Chechen: And maybe they could spit bees when they bark…
Maroni: Stop talking now. See, Joker, everything’s under control.
Joker: Then I guess I’ll just leave. Call me if you change your minds. Here’s my card…
Maroni: This is just a playing card. How are we supposed to use it to contact you?
Joker: If you split it open, you’ll find fragments of a bullet. Reconstruct that and you’ll have a thumbprint, which you can follow to an apartment I’ve rented, in which there is a phone ringing that you can answer. That’s how I’ll contact you.
Maroni: …couldn’t you just have a Livejournal?
Joker: Hey now, I’m crazy and genocidal, but I still have standards!
***
Harvey: Way to go, Gordon, your totally corrupt cops screwed the pooch!
Gordon: My cops!? The mission went south when your office got involved!
Harvey: YOU SHOULD’VE KEPT ME IN THE LOOP!
Batman: STOP IT! STOP FIGHTING! I HATE YOU BOTH!
Gordon: Are you happy? Now you’ve made him cry!
***
Bruce: Lucius, *sniff*, I need a way to kidnap a guy out of a skyscraper.
Lucius: I see nothing at all suspicious about that. Your new suit is ready, by the way.
Bruce: Did you add a cape and mask to it, like I requested?
Lucius: And a bat on the chest. What do you need it for, anyway?
Bruce: …stuff.
***
Alfred: Master Wayne, I’d just like to remind you that you need to get over Rachel.
Bruce: That’s great. Did you think of an alibi?
Alfred: And a way to pointless inconvenience hundreds, along with your childhood friend and new ally in the war on crime.
Bruce: Score!
***
Bruce: Make sure none of these ballerinas think to mention the extremely suspicious way I ditched them and took off in a private plane.
Alfred: If there’s one people we can trust, I think it’s the Russians.
***
Lucius: I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.
Lau: …Mr. Fox, are you wasting my time?
Lucius: I hope not.
***
Bruce: BATMAN’D!
Lau: Well shit.
***
Not!Montoya: Lieutenant, look! It’s Lau!
Gordon: Next time I’m asking for Batman to bring me Scarlett Johansson.
***
Rachel: Talk!
Lau: Or else what?
Rachel: I changed from Rachel Holmes… what makes you think I can’t change back?
Lau: No! No! Wait, would you show your tits like you did in The Gift?
Rachel: *shakes head*
Lau: NO!
***
Mayor: Harvey Dent, you’ve just locked up half the criminals in Gotham City. What’s next for you?
Harvey: Finding out why you wear eye-liner.
Mayor: It’s not a crime to want to look pretty, damnit! Not since I legalized it!
Harvey: The only thing that could ruin this day is if a corpse dropped from the sky!
Fake!Batman: Yay, my part’s bigger than the Scarecrow’s!
Harvey: I was wrong, my day is still awesome! Gooooooo justice!
***
Bruce: The Joker is truly sick. He videotaped himself torturing my imitator and then sent it to the media.
Alfred: Worse, he posted it on Youtube.
WolfySnackrib666: FAKE!!!!!!!1!
DrrtyDJ69: Tits or GTFO!
***
Bruce: Okay, there’s a psychotic killer targeting me and he’s willing to torment innocent people to get to me? What to do, what to do…
Alfred: If I may make a suggestion, Master Wayne… PARTY DOWN!
Bruce: WOOOOOOO!
Harvey: Told you a dead body wouldn’t ruin my day.
Bruce: Harv, at first I thought you were a scaly douche. But now that I’ve shared a bromantic evening with you, I can see that you’re alright and I’m better off without Rachel. I mean, come on, childhood friends grow up into star-crossed lovers? What the fuck is this, Smallville? Harvey, you’re the ironic, ironic face of Gotham’s ironic future.
Rachel: Harvey may not know when you’re making fun of him, but I do!
Bruce: I meant every word.
Rachel: Then Harvey may know when you’re not making fun of him, but I don’t!
Bruce: I truly do respect and admire Harvey. Which is why it’s okay for me to steal his girl now.
***
MEANWHILE!
Judge: *burninated*
Commissioner: *poisoned*
Gordon: Man, I hope my total failure to protect these three doesn’t hinder my career.
***
Harvey: Rachel, all this death and destruction and the threat of impending doom has put me in a romantic mood. Let’s get married!
Rachel: But what about Bruce?
Harvey: As if you have the slightest bit of chemistry with him.
Rachel: He’s actually very stable. If our relationship can survive me telling him that his dead father would be ashamed of him, it can survive anything.
Harvey: I’m sure he would take our engagement very well.
Bruce: BATMAN’D!
Rachel: Oh, thank God, you can get him out of harm’s way before the Joker shows up!
Bruce: The Joker’s coming?
***
Joker: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! I’m the villain!
Party Guest: How come your face isn’t bleached white? I mean, make-up and hair dye? Such rhetorical nonsense.
Joker: WHO SAID THAT!?
Rachel: Leave them alone. It’s me you want!
Joker: Well, hello beautiful. Been fitted for a refrigerator yet?
Rachel: Since the first movie, bitch.
Joker: A little fight in you… I like that.
Rachel: You have cool scars. I like that.
Joker: You have the face of a handsome fifty-year-old. I like that.
Rachel: You’re not afraid to experiment with purple. I like that.
Joker: So, uh… you doing anything after the hostage situation?
Batman: JOKER! YOUR REIGN OF MADNESS ENDS… BEFORE IT BEGINS!
Joker: Take off your mask or the girl dies! Choose! Your secret identity… or the woman you love… or a busload of kids?
Batman: What?
Joker: What?
Rachel: What?
Joker: Screw it, think up a punchline for me on the way down!
Rachel: EEEEEEEEEK!
Batman: BATMAN’D!
Rachel: My hero! Thank you! …shouldn’t you be going back up and catching the Joker?
Batman: I’m sure things are fine. So, are you sure you’re okay?
Party Guest: OH GOD! OH GOD!
Rachel: I’m fine. You?
Joker: HAHAHAHAHA!
Batman: I’ve actually lost a little hearing in my left ear, I’m seeing a doctor on Monday.
***
Gordon: Harvey and Dent are dead, not Harvey Dent. I shudder to think what the Joker has done with Prince Albert and a can…
Batman: I need to do some detectiving. Because I’m a detective. Sometimes. I mean, I’m pretty observant…
Not!Montoya: IT’S YOUR FAULT THESE COPS ARE DEAD!
Batman: You’re pretty judgmental for a corrupt cop.
Not!Montoya: Feh, I’m a minority and I’m helping to kill innocent people only so I can take care of my sick mother. I’m pretty much the next Gandhi.
***
Alfred: What if this is all an trap, sir?
Bruce: Come on. Just in case I was able to pull fingerprints off a shattered bullet, the Joker set up an elaborate scheme to kill me? That beggars belief.
Belief: *beggared*
***
Gordon: Don’t worry, Mr. Mayor, I’m prepared to sacrifice my own life if necessary to protect you.
Mayor: Couldn’t we just… postpone the funeral? Or not make me do a speech?
Gordon: Mr. Mayor, the people of Gotham need to see your luscious eyelashes to get through these trying times.
***
The Joker has managed to replace the honor guard and left all the fit young men tied up in their underwear for Batman to find.
Bruce: Really not shedding that Brokeback Mountain image, are we?
***
Shit: *goes down*
***
Nolan: Gordon is dead!
Audience: 0_0
NolaN: JK!
***
Batman: Tell me where the Joker is or I’ll drop you!
Maroni: Alright, you win. Here’s his card.
Batman: DON’T PLAY GAMES WITH ME!
Gravity: *works*
Maroni: MY LEG! Listen, you freak, either you take off your mask or you keep letting people die! Which is it gonna be?
Batman: Ummm… Door number 3?
***
Bruce: I can’t do this anymore, Alfred. I’m the star of this show, it’s about time I get some character development.
Harvey: I’M THE BATMAN!
Bruce: …is he a villain yet?
Alfred: No.
Bruce: Is he a villain yet?
Alfred: No!
***
Rachel: How dare you let Harvey take the fall for you, Bruce aka Batman! If only there were something I could do… some knowledge I possessed…
Bruce: Looks like there isn’t. Cheerio!
***
Police: Don’t you worry, Dent. The only way the Joker could take you out is if he knew your route, had mindboggling access to military technology, and had men planted on our tertiary route to take out our air support.
Joker: WHY SO SERIOUS?
Batman: BATMAN’D!
Joker: JOKER’D!
Gordon: GORDON’D!
Audience: FTW!
***
Harvey: Gordon! OMG! ZOMBIE! HE’S A ZOMBIE!
Gordon: No, Dent, I faked my death for dramatic impact. I guess now I can go home to my loving son James Jr.
Fangirls: OMG, HE DIDN’T SAY BARBARA GORDON! MISOGYNY! MISOGYNEEEEEEEEEE!
***
Gordon: Where’s Dent?
Joker: Did you check your pockets?
Gordon: I don’t have time for games!
Joker: What, no Parcheesi?
Gordon: I’m warning you…
Joker: What’re you gonna do?
Batman: BATMAN’D!
Joker: Joke’s on you! I like being Batman’d!
Batman: Oh, eww. Where’s Dent!?
Joker: Don’t you mean where’s Rachel?
Batman: …WHERE ARE THEY!?
Joker: I’ll tell you, but first you have to listen to me speechify for a bit. We’re two sides of the same coin, locked in a never-ending struggle… you want to write this down?
Batman: I’ll remember it.
Joker: Never-ending struggle… oh, alright, Dent’s at Avenue X, Rachel’s at Cicero. But I’ve wasted so much of your time that you only have time to rescue one!
Batman: Good thing you know exactly how fast my Bat-pod, which you have utterly no experience with, is.
Joker: And that there are no officers closer to the scene. Yup, it’s pretty nice being the villain in the first hundred minutes of a comic book movie…
Batman: I think we’re into the third hour here.
Joker: Who’s counting?
***
Batman: RACHEL! RACHEL! Wait, you’re not Rachel, you’re much too pretty!
Harvey: Batman! Quick, cut the ropes so I can run out of here!
Batman: Quicker just to carry you!
Building: *splode!*
Harvey: GAK!
Batman: …oops.
***
Gordon: Nick of time!
Building: *also splode!*
Rachel: GAK!
Gordon: Well, my career as commissioner is off to a great start.
***
Joker: Good thing for me that they left an easily manipulated cop to guard me instead of just leaving me in a cell.
Fat prisoner: *GAK and splode!*
Lau: Wait, I’m still in this movie?
Joker: Yup.
***
Gordon: He wanted to be caught! It was all one giant set-up! And here’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a box!
Tony Stark: First Batman steals my power-suit idea and now this!?
***
Gordon: Harvey, I have good news. You’re going to save a fortune in cosmetics. And shaving will only take half as long…
Harvey: You remember that name they used to call me back at IA? What was it?
Gordon: Queermo?
Harvey: No, the other one.
Gordon: Pencil dick?
Harvey: No, the other, other one.
Gordon: General Zod?
Harvey: TWO-FACE! I AM TWO-FACE!
Gordon: Well, more like .5-Face, but who’s counting?
***
Engel: Breaking news! The true identity of Batman! And I’m not wearing any pants! Film at eleven.
Joker: LEAVE MY BOYFRIEND ALONE! Free unexploded hospital to whoever kills the lawyer!
Reese: Fuck! Actions having consequences! Who would’ve guessed!?
***
Reese: Alive!
Gotham: Rassem frassem…
Bruce: BATMAN’D! Uh, or something. I like chocolate.
***
Joker: Hello, I’m your nurse.
Harvey: I knew HMOs were bad, but this is ridiculous!
Joker: I just want to say that just because everything I’ve done has been part of a complex, nigh-Machiavellian scheme, doesn’t mean that I have a plan. Really, I go full retard every day. Embrace chaos! Introduce a little anarchy! Vote Ron Paul!
Harvey: I find your ideas interesting and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
***
Hospital: *splode!*
Nolan: Congratulations! You’re our one hundredth explosion! Julia, tell the lucky explosion what it’s won!
Julia: You’ll go to Hollywood, California to meet with Hollywood mega-director Michael Bay.
Splode: OMG! HE IS MY THINSPIRATION!
***
Harvey has a roaring rampage of revenge, because what else do you do when a cross-dressing Heath Ledger in clown make-up visits you in the hospital?
Not!Montoya: Kill Wuertz! I only helped kill the woman you loved to help my sick mother!
Harvey: Shut up! I don’t care how sympathetic you are or what your story is! I’m totally motivated by blind chance! *flips coin* Ho-kay, apparently blind chance is politically correct.
Wuertz: GAK!
Maroni: But I get to live, right?
Harvey: The coin said you get to live, so I’m going to kill you anyway.
Maroni: Wait a minute, that’s not how it works…
Harvey: I’ve found that nobody really cares so long as I’m not dancing around with a Ritalin-deprived Jim Carrey in skintight spandex.
***
Gordon: Mr. Mayor, we have to evacuate Gotham. We’ll use the ferries. One will take only the nicest and cleanest of Gotham, those who prefer Seinfeld to Friends, and the other will take the degenerate criminals.
Mayor: Wait, why are we evacuating the degenerate criminals ahead of the second most nicest and cleanest Gothamites?
Gordon: Dramatic necessity.
***
Joker: Alright, people… you, a nun, a pregnant woman, and your mother are in a lifeboat. It’s taking on water and one of you has to go overboard to save the others. Who do you let drown?
Batman: I’m here to stop your sadistic attempts to make people relive their freshmen morality courses, Joker!
Joker: I have dogs!
Batman: Yeah, because those worked out so well in the past.
Joker: What about hitting you with a lead pipe?
Batman: …surprisingly effective. Thanks for the new armor, Lucius!
***
Harvey: Gordon, I have your family.
Gordon: Oh no! Another climax!? This movie has already ended more times than Return of the King!
***
Regular Joe: KILL ALL CRIMINALS… nah, can’t do it.
***
Warden: Here, take the detonator and KILL ALL NICE PEOPLE!
Scary Black Man: Or we could sit around and wait to die. I’m serving a life sentence, so I’ve gotta go with what I know.
***
Batman: See? Gotham is full of good people!
Warden: Actually, I was totally willing to let hundreds be killed to save my own skin.
Regular Joe: And the only reason I didn’t kill hundreds of people was that I was too squeamish.
Batman: Goooooood people!
Joker: You say that now, but what about when I take away Harvey Dent’s pretty!?
Batman: No! Not the pretty!
***
Gordon: Barbara? Jim? Other child whose face I’ve never actually seen?
Harvey: BOOYAH!
Gordon: …alright, I pretty much suck as a cop, don’t I?
Harvey: Now I’ll take my revenge on you for saving me and letting Rachel die!
Batman: Actually, we were totally prepared to let you die and save Rachel.
Gordon: Yup. That was the plan.
Harvey: Oh. I guess my entire revenge plot is a little stupid.
Batman: Especially the part where you let the Joker get away, then begin to arbitrarily kill people who were at most indirectly responsible for Rachel’s death.
Harvey: SHUT UP! I HATE YOUR BATMAN VOICE!
Gun: *bang*
Batman: Ow.
Harvey: Now to kill your son! Totally going to kill your son! Here’s your son, dying! One death, coming up! Ain’t gonna be alive no more! Here I—
Batman: BATMAN’D!
Harvey: But I was supposed to be the villain in Batman 3!
Batman: Just say it.
Harvey: *sigh* GAK!
Gordon: What’ll we do? If the people of Gotham found out that he went crazy after being horribly scarred and losing the love of his life, then all the criminals he’s arrested will be put out on the streets!
Batman: Is that how that works? Really?
Gordon: Yeah! He killed five people! Two of them cops!
Batman: Are you sure you’re counting right?
Gordon: Pretty sure.
Batman: And how do you know, anyway?
Gordon: I’m the police commissioner. I know things.
Batman: Yeah, but you’re not very good at it. Way I see it, you’re still kind of coasting on blowing up a monorail in the first movie.
Gordon: Just get out of here so I can give my big speech.
Batman: Okay. DARRRRRRRK VENGEANCE!!!
James Jr.: Dad, why does he have to run?
Gordon: Because he’s not a hero. He’s something more. He’s someone who stands up against evil, not caring what people think of him!
James Jr.: That’s a hero.
Gordon: No, he’s willing to do whatever it takes to right wrongs, even if it involves a great deal of personal sacrifice.
James Jr.: Hero.
Gordon: A man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities!
James Jr.: Hero.
Gordon: A large sandwich, usually consisting of a small loaf of bread or long roll cut in half lengthwise and containing a variety of ingredients, as meat, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes.
James Jr.: Hero.
Gordon: NO! He’s a
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-08-27 07:05 pm (UTC)Awesome - and also a pretty good summation of what I wasn't so big on in TDK.
Fave quotes:
"Gordon: Well, more like .5-Face, but who’s counting?"
"Joker: I just want to say that just because everything I’ve done has been part of a complex, nigh-Machiavellian scheme, doesn’t mean that I have a plan. Really, I go full retard every day. Embrace chaos! Introduce a little anarchy! Vote Ron Paul!
Harvey: I find your ideas interesting and wish to subscribe to your newsletter."
"Warden: Here, take the detonator and KILL ALL NICE PEOPLE!
Scary Black Man: Or we could sit around and wait to die. I’m serving a life sentence, so I’ve gotta go with what I know."
no subject
Date: 2008-08-27 07:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-27 07:32 pm (UTC)Joker: You have the face of a handsome fifty-year-old. I like that.
and
Joker: WHY SO SERIOUS?
Batman: BATMAN’D!
Joker: JOKER’D!
Gordon: GORDON’D!
Audience: FTW!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-27 07:37 pm (UTC)I lol'd the whole time I read this.
My favorite part-
Gordon: A large sandwich, usually consisting of a small loaf of bread or long roll cut in half lengthwise and containing a variety of ingredients, as meat, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes.
You rock ^.^
no subject
Date: 2008-08-27 08:17 pm (UTC)William Fichtner: Oh my God! Trevor Goodchild!
HOLY FUCK WIN
JOHN RAFTER LEE FOR HUGO STRANGE
no subject
Date: 2008-08-27 11:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-28 11:26 am (UTC)Oh god I am still laughing.
This was great.:-D
I will now read a prepared statement...
Date: 2008-08-28 02:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-28 04:47 pm (UTC)The mayor wearing eyeliner, Batman not really being the main character of the movie, the three-restroom-breaks length, the room with the young guys that was found via THUMBPRINT ON A SHREDDED BULLET...
no subject
Date: 2008-08-28 10:03 pm (UTC)I would've gone with Secretary, but that might've been too on-the-nose.
Radio scanners and RPG-7s?
Except for watching it flip a truck he was in a few hours ago, and having it nearly run him over, no, no experience at all.
Hey, wait a second...
*sporfle*
no subject
Date: 2008-08-28 10:14 pm (UTC)Yes. How does a psychotic clown get access to a bazooka, anyway?
Except for watching it flip a truck he was in a few hours ago, and having it nearly run him over, no, no experience at all.
But he set up the Rachel/Harvey death-trap before he was captured. You're saying that, while in police custody, he was able to extrapolate how fast the Bat-Pod was and then calculate the exact right minute to tell Batman so Batman only JUST had time to save Dent.
If that's the kind of realism we're looking at, I expect Bat-Mite will be the villain in Batman 3.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-28 11:55 pm (UTC)>Yes. How does a psychotic clown get access to a bazooka, anyway?
Mob.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-29 01:48 am (UTC)Yeah. You made good point of all the flops with TDK.
Sweet spoof.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-29 03:08 am (UTC)ROTFLMAO
Date: 2008-08-30 10:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 08:47 am (UTC)OH MY SWEET RANDOM, this is is brilliant :D! No matter how much I love the movie, it has dozens of gray spots in it that you covered very effectively here *lol* I don't even know where to start listing all the parts of TEH GENIOUSNESSZ in this~<3 But my ultimate favourite would be this:
"...is he a villain yet?"
"NO!"
*aplause* I think I'll need a quote icon or two nao ;)
Thank you!♥
...BATMAN'D!!
no subject
Date: 2008-09-05 02:56 am (UTC)"Vote Ron Paul!"
BWAHAHA!
Скажите по дизайну seriousfic.livejournal.com
Date: 2008-10-07 08:29 pm (UTC)Заранее благодарю)