seriousfic (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
seriousfic) wrote2009-03-11 10:31 am
seriousfic) wrote2009-03-11 10:31 am
BOP fic: The Morning After The Night Before (ensemble)
Title: The Morning After The Night Before
Fandom: Batman
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3,134
Characters/Pairings: Babs/Dinah, Helena, Zinda, Dick, Kory, Scott/Barda
Warning: How many lame Dick puns can fit in this fic? ALL OF THEM.
Summary: Barbara thinks Dinah is sleeping with her. Dinah tries to convince her otherwise. Dick losing his angst, an Apokolips fertility rite, and a long-standing bet between Helena and Zinda don’t help.
Dinah checked her iPhone’s touchscreen. Nightwing was calling her. Mia would be so jealous. Not that Dinah would ever do that to Babs, because no cute ass, no matter how tight, was worth a best friend.
Although Nightwing’s did seem in danger of collapsing into a black hole. Dinah shook off the pleasant thought and answered her phone. “Yello?”
“Dinah, it’s Dick. Babs’ friend?”
Did he have to introduce himself like that? Mmm, forbidden fruit…
She shook off that pleasant thought again and held the phone a little further from her ear. “What’s up?”
“It’s Babs.” Please say threesome, please say threesome. “She hasn’t been taking my calls.”
“Well, you did break up.”
“But we’re still friends, and she’s been incommunicado for the last half hour. I’m a Bat. I worry.”
“She’s fine. The Clocktower’s the most secure facility ever built. It’s only blown up once.”
“Please, could you check up on her?”
“I am right on the off-ramp to the Land of Nod here.”
“I’ll owe you one.”
“Well, Mia does have an 18th coming up. How good a dancer are you?”
“If you do this, I’d give Roy a lap dance.”
“…I’m sorry, I thought you wanted to get me out of bed…”
***
Two Javas and one short car ride later, Dinah was at the Clocktower. After things with Ollie had fallen apart for the millionth time, Dinah had realized that since her commute was teleportation to a space station, why shouldn’t she live where she could see her best friend every day? It meant that she had to pick up drunken Helena and amorous Zinda (and vice versa) from every stop on their grand tour of the city’s bars, but that was a small price to pay for someone who both had Rocky Road on permanent tap and who didn’t back down from a sparring beatdown. Not that she was shy about handing beatdowns out, either. If Babs ever took Dinah’s advice and became Rolling Thunder, the Escrima Stick Menace, Darkseid wouldn’t be giving Earth anymore trouble.
Dinah keyed her code into the elevator and it shot up to Barbara’s floor, the one not represented by lights above the doors. They opened and Dinah stepped out into Barbara’s inner sanctum. It looked perfectly normal. Flowers were a little wilted: Dinah picked up a half-full glass of water and dumped it into the pot. And after all the trouble she’d gone to to cultivate Babs a rose as green as her eyes…
“Babs, hey, are you decent?” She poked her head in Barbara’s bedroom to find a neatly made bed neatly empty. “You’ve got a hot guy worried about you, that is awfully ungracious. Babsy?”
She looked in the computer room, which was the first place she should’ve checked. Barbara was fast asleep, using the mousepad as a pillow. She was cuddled up to the keyboard, whispering sweet nothings into its number pad.
“I hoped you used an antivirus,” Dinah quipped. Barbara was a sound sleeper, which would make this next part easier. Stifling a gargantuan yawn (Barbara’s log-sawing was reminding her of how warm and soft her bed had been before being stolen away by the Dread Pirate Dick), Dinah picked Barbara up with arms around her back and legs. Barbara’s head immediately slumped forward to land on Dinah’s cleavage.
“Mmm, soft.” Barbara snuggled in deeper before running afoul of an underwire. “Oww! Bedbug!”
“I’ve been said to have worse parasites.” Dinah lifted Barbara out of her wheelchair, really wishing that Miss Self-Sufficient would spring for some handles. Just because she could go it alone, didn’t mean she had to. Or should.
Barbara spent the entire trip to bed resting her head on Dinah’s chest, with mumblings like “Yes, King Candyland, your marshmallow throne is quite comfortable. I shall rule with strength and fairness” or “But Barda, what will your husband think?” or “Stop poking me with the eraser, Cass, how will you experience the world of Barsoom if you never learn to read?” Dinah really hoped those were three separate dreams, although she would have paid more attention in class if her teachers had been doing naughty things with Big Barda (who did kind of resemble a gym coach she had once had).
“And here’s where the magic happens.” Dinah toed open the door to the bedroom. Damn, that bed looked good. It looked like the kind of bed Hugh Jackman would make love on. Dinah eased the covers back with her foot, then set Barbara down and pulled the covers over her. Although, the bed looked very warm to have clothes on underneath and that looked like too nice a top to wrinkle.
Pulling the covers back, Dinah quickly undressed Barbara, careful not to look. But why shouldn’t she look? Barbara was the bisexual, right down to the messy breakup with Peej. Dinah was hetero to the bone.
There. Dinah looked. They were nice, even by the superhero world’s gravity-defying standards. But Dinah quickly pulled the covers up once she’d done her job. “Anything else? Glass of water? Bedtime story?”
Barbara yawned. Adorably. If Dinah ever had a daughter, she hoped she would be just like Babs. Maybe less of a control freak and with better taste in men than someone in Gotham, but otherwise Mini-Babs. Oh, and a natural blonde.
Before thoughts of mommy-daughter raids on the League of Assassins could ingrain too firmly on Dinah’s psyche, the yawn proved contagious and Dinah nearly blacked out. ”Okay, no responsible superheroic role model would drive home this tired and neither will I. Babs, mind if I use your bed for some catnap action? I don’t trust that you’ve gotten the stains from your last on-again with Dick out of the sofa.”
Barbara muttered something about Katarina and the wrong hole.
“Whatever you say.”
Dinah barely kept her eyes open through disrobing. She crawled into bed next to Barbara and felt sleep coming for her as soon as she hit the pillow.
“No funny business,” she warned Barbara, right before losing herself to a dream about the early days, when Oracle was a handsome crime-fighting millionaire who would take her away faster than Calgon ever could.
***
“Morning, Dinah.” Dinah felt a set of soft, delicious lips kiss her shoulder.
“Good morning, lover.” The lips (presumably attached to someone who really knew what he was doing) worked their magic on the side of Dinah’s torso and Dinah’s eyes snapped open in panic. Who the hell was she in bed with? It’d been a long time since she’d gotten so blotto she couldn’t remember a hook-up. Please, God, don’t be Ollie… or Connor… or Roy… well, Roy…
It was funny. She didn’t feel hung-over. In fact, the last thing she remembered was tucking… Babs… in…
Dinah rolled over. Barbara was lying next to her, looking unspeakable amused. “Oh, thank God. I thought you were Ollie.”
“That would be a nightmare.” Barbara kissed her cheek. “Stay right there, I’ll make breakfast.”
“And planning like that is why you’re in charge.” Dinah snuggled deeper into Barbara’s fine mattress. “So, did I rock your world?”
Barbara mimed fanning herself as she swung into her spare wheelchair.
Barbara Gordon, Dinah thought happily. Considerate, smart, nice… why couldn’t the men in her life be more like Babs? If the hacker were a boy, she’d marry her. Him.
After ten minutes of decadent lounging, it struck Dinah that Barbara might not have changed the sheets after her last Dick-lick. She took a long shower, cast a longing look at the massaging showerhead (Dick giving a lap dance to Roy and Barbara’s lips at her ribs demanded action), and dressed in her old clothes. It was the least shameful walk of shame she’d ever taken.
She walked out to find dinner had become a foursome. Zinda and Helena had seized the stove and consigned Barbara to the crossword puzzle. As soon as Dinah walked in, dressed in yesterday’s clothes with her wet hair in a towel turban, Helena’s jaw dropped.
“Pay up,” Zinda said, holding out her hand.
“I’ll buy you a round later.” Helena ditched to drag Dinah to the nook. “Alright, spill. How was it? Was the redhead kinky? Don’t tell me the redhead wasn’t kinky.”
“Helena, we didn’t—“
“—agree to talk about our personal lives.” Barbara nodded. “You can just keep your perverse, drunken fantasies to yourself.”
But as soon as Dinah had her back turned, she got the unmistakable impression that Barbara was making an obscene gesture.
“We’re just happy y’all have finally stopped beating round the bush,” Zinda said.
“And started going through it,” Helena added.
“Well, I think it’s a little too early to be planning our marriage.” Barbara took Dinah’s hand. “After all, I might end up hating having a blonde kung-fu master (who can wear the hell out of fishnet stockings) hanging around to sex me up.”
Dinah’s world turned upside-down. Barbara thought it was real. She must’ve been utterly exhausted, dreamed that she’d made love to Dinah, then woken up, seen her naked, and assumed they’d resolved their UST! On the plus side, though, apparently Dream-Dinah was an f’n stud. Damn right.
“Babs, can I talk to you in private for a moment?”
“Mah gawd, you alley-cat, ya have company over!” Zinda cried
Helena patted her hand. “Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll let us watch.”
“Salutations!” Koriand’r, princess of Tamaran and Dick’s former sex-upper-ier, flew through the window.
“Oh my god, she really is summoned by mentions of public sex!” Helena yelled. “Cool.”
“Don’t be silly, I’m only here because Barbara has abdicated her claim on Dick Grayson, which means he’s mine now.” She clenched her fist and it glowed slightly. “Everyone got that?”
They all quickly voiced affirmatives.
“Splendid!” she cheered. She smiled darkly at Barbara. “Didn’t I tell you your monogamy would be your undoing? You’ll never get your hands on my Dick again!”
“You can shove Dick up your ass for all I care. I’ve got Dinah.”
“You can say Dick blows all you like, but we both know that when it comes to satisfying a woman, you can’t beat Dick.”
“Dick is very sensitive, true, but he needs so much coddling, so much support.”
“And I’d love to give it to him. With me, Dick will always feel warm. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to break up with my current sex buddy, Harry Johnson.”
She flew off with an impressive toss of her hair.
“Well, sounds like Dick is wrapped up,” Barbara said.
“Babs, are you sure it’s wise to let Dick slip through your fingers?” Dinah was getting anxious about how many bridges Barbara was burning to be with her. When she learned the truth, imagine the pain if Kory had her claws in Dick!
“Relax. Now and then, I’m sure Kory will give us Dick. She goes down for anything.”
(“Is Dick a person?” Zinda was asking Helena.
“I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.”)
“But how did she know about us in the first place?”
“I guess Barda must have told her.”
Barda burst through the front door. “Hear ye, hear ye! As set forth by great Darkseid—“
Scott followed behind her. “Who is really not so great once you get to know him…”
“—on this holiest of days we shall pray for the fertility of Dinah and Barbara so that they may have many children for Darkseid’s army!”
“Or any number of fulfilling alternate careers,” Scott added.
“Do you have to do this now!?” Dinah panicked. “Barbara! I cannot get pregnant right now!”
“Relax, hon, it’s just a way for us to show respect for their culture. Their authoritarian, militaristic culture.”
“Thank you,” Barda said. “All forces of darkness and shadow…!”
“As well as all forces of light and tasty desserts…”
“Bless this union with all your evil power!”
“But also with kittens and other baby animals.”
“Let the death gods smile at the havoc they unleash!”
“But also on their snuggling.”
“When their black and twisted souls descend into Hades, let it hold no surprises!”
“But, uh…” Scott turned to Barda. “Isn’t that a little harsh?”
“O spirits, scratch that last one! But heed the basic sentiment!”
“I’m not even sure I want the blessing of eldritch forces!” Dinah said. “And a fertility rite? I mean, what is even the point of—“
Barbara vomited.
“Oh, gross!” Zinda cried, grabbing a paper towel.
“That’s why I switched to longpants,” Helena said.
“Sorry, just a bit of morning sickness.”
Dinah’s hands met her cheeks. “You’re pregnant!”
“Yes! And you’re the father!” she pointed.
“Hello to you too,” Dick Grayson replied. “Babs, baby, you’ve gotta take me back! You don’t know what it’s like with Kory! It’s always sex, sex, sex, finish those edible panties before you start on the whipped cream bra, now it’s your turn to wear the handcuffs, don’t forget to turn on the camera, we’re going to need a bigger bed if my friend’s going to join us. I don’t have anything to angst about! I feel like Bruce is going to disown me again!”
(“He drag-raced the Batmobile,” Helena whispered to Zinda.
“Ah.”)
“Can’t you angst about not having anything to angst about?” Barbara suggested.
“Don’t get meta with me! You’re not Alan Moore!”
“Yes, you can tell by the chin. I have one.”
“I’m not ready to have kids!” Dinah protested.
“And may it be a masculine child, o spirits!” Barda intoned.
“If it’s a boy,” Scott amended.
Barda glared at him.
“I think my water just broke!” Barbara said.
“I don’t even know how to change a diaper! The clocktower isn’t baby-proofed! What if Helena wants to hold the baby?”
“I could distract her with sex,” Zinda offered.
“Hey, I dated Dick, I think I can handle a baby.”
“How does ‘Dick’ lead to babies?” Dick asked, trying to follow the conversation. And not liking where it was leading him.
“Stop thinking about Dick and start thinking about Babs! She’s having a baby! Now!”
“How could it have developed so fast?” Barbara cried.
“Next time I see Wally, I’ma gonna punch him in the mouth,” Dick swore.
“You guys, this isn’t important! Now, everyone, think about Barbara! Helena, tear some strips of cloth and boil some water. Zinda, look on the internet for what to do with strips of cloth and boiling water. Dick, take off her clothes, you have the most experience with that. Barda, hold Barbara’s hand.”
“Do not worry, battle sister.” Barda took Barbara’s hand. “This pain is nothing compared to the battle of OW OW OUCHIE!”
“Sorry, I got her a stress ball for Christmas,” Dinah said.
“I can’t feel my fingernails!”
“And I’ll think up an escape plan for the baby!” Scott rubbed his chin. “Is there any way we can smuggle in a nail file?”
“Must… Rip… Dick… Off!” Barbara gritted out.
“Oh no, I’m not falling for that Nigerian e-mail like I did last time we broke up!”
“Oh God, I feel like I’m about to reenact that scene from Aliens!” Barbara screamed.
“Don’t you mean Alien?” Helena added.
“Chestbursters are in all the Alien movies, they’re an essential part of the Xenomorph’s lifecycle!”
“Breathe, baby. Remember your Lamaze classes,” Dinah comforted.
“I never took any Lamaze classes!”
“Then imagine your Lamaze classes!”
“I can see the head!” Scott reported.
“Scott! You will not look at anyone’s vagina but mine!” Barda ordered.
“It’s not like I’m enjoying the view. Oh, hey, she’s a natural redhead.”
“But does she have a Mega-Rod?”
“No, although there is this funny-looking mole—“
“Push, Babs, push!” Dick urged.
“Shut up! This is all your fault!”
“Yes! Something to angst over!”
“One last push, come on!” Dinah said.
“NNGH-crappa-lappa-ding-dong-ugh!” Barbara said.
“It’s out! Dick, cut the cord!”
“How can I cut the cord when I can’t even put on a condom?” Dick moaned in agony.
“I can do it,” Barda offered.
“No!” Scott said.
“No!” Dinah said.
“Hell no!” Barbara said. “Dinah, Dinah, hold the baby…”
“Uh, maybe after she’d been dusted off a little. I don’t know how to get… whatever that stuff is… out of linens.”
“It’s not female, it’s a boy!” Barbara held up the baby to reveal he had a thin yellow goatee and a green cap perched atop its potatoish head.
“Dinah! Give me your milk!”
Dinah screamed and instinctively kicked out, hitting the Ollie-baby out of Barbara’s arms. He flew out the window.
“Oh God.” Dinah fell to her knees. “What’ve I done?”
“You haven’t killed him, he’s teetering right on the edge,” Helena said. She reached out the window and everyone heard a loud waaaaaaaah rapidly dwindling. “Okay, now you’ve killed him.”
“It’s okay.” Barbara patted Dinah’s hand. “We’ll tell everyone he was born that way. Zinda, get me some Jim Bean and bring that microwave closer.”
“No, I’m a baby-killer… baby-killer…”
“Who do you think you’re sleeping with? Come on, wake up!” Barbara gave Dinah a shake.
Dinah’s eyes opened. “Oh, Babs! It was all a terrible dream.”
“Yes, Patrick Duffy is still alive,” Barbara relaxed back onto her side of the bed. “You know, you could’ve at least bought me dinner first.”
“Huh? Oh! I was just gonna cat-nap…” She looked at the clock. “Twelve! How could I be that tired?”
“Maybe you were just comfortable.” Barbara tiredly slung an arm around Dinah’s stomach. “See? That feels pretty nice.”
“Yeah. You wanna hear my lame dream?”
“Id like nothing better.”
“You woke up and thought we were lovers.”
“We weren’t?”
“No, I was just crashing in your bed.”
“Christ, even in a dream I can’t get any. So, did I tempt you to the dark side of your sexuality?”
”It wasn’t that kind of dream. Though Starfire did show up to say Dick was all hers.”
“She’s welcome to him.”
“And the Frees did a fertility dance for us. And Helena had a bet with Zinda about us having sex.”
“Finally, some realism.”
“Then you gave birth to Ollie’s baby and I kicked it out the window. Tell me what that means?”
“Besides that you’ve been using too much hair dye?” (Dinah chuckled.) “Maybe you’re deflecting your own feelings onto the other people in your dream. Kory wanted a relationship, Barda wanted kids… maybe you want a family.”
“I have a family here. Or, I did…”
“Was there anyone else?”
“Well, there was you… in love with me… and Dick, who wanted you to take me back… him, him back.”
“Are you sure you were that tired? Or is it that you don’t want me to leave?”
“I’m not gay. Am I?”
“There is a test.”
“What is it?”
Barbara leaned forward, lips parting.
It was a long, strenuous test, but Dinah had a great tutor.
Fandom: Batman
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3,134
Characters/Pairings: Babs/Dinah, Helena, Zinda, Dick, Kory, Scott/Barda
Warning: How many lame Dick puns can fit in this fic? ALL OF THEM.
Summary: Barbara thinks Dinah is sleeping with her. Dinah tries to convince her otherwise. Dick losing his angst, an Apokolips fertility rite, and a long-standing bet between Helena and Zinda don’t help.
Dinah checked her iPhone’s touchscreen. Nightwing was calling her. Mia would be so jealous. Not that Dinah would ever do that to Babs, because no cute ass, no matter how tight, was worth a best friend.
Although Nightwing’s did seem in danger of collapsing into a black hole. Dinah shook off the pleasant thought and answered her phone. “Yello?”
“Dinah, it’s Dick. Babs’ friend?”
Did he have to introduce himself like that? Mmm, forbidden fruit…
She shook off that pleasant thought again and held the phone a little further from her ear. “What’s up?”
“It’s Babs.” Please say threesome, please say threesome. “She hasn’t been taking my calls.”
“Well, you did break up.”
“But we’re still friends, and she’s been incommunicado for the last half hour. I’m a Bat. I worry.”
“She’s fine. The Clocktower’s the most secure facility ever built. It’s only blown up once.”
“Please, could you check up on her?”
“I am right on the off-ramp to the Land of Nod here.”
“I’ll owe you one.”
“Well, Mia does have an 18th coming up. How good a dancer are you?”
“If you do this, I’d give Roy a lap dance.”
“…I’m sorry, I thought you wanted to get me out of bed…”
***
Two Javas and one short car ride later, Dinah was at the Clocktower. After things with Ollie had fallen apart for the millionth time, Dinah had realized that since her commute was teleportation to a space station, why shouldn’t she live where she could see her best friend every day? It meant that she had to pick up drunken Helena and amorous Zinda (and vice versa) from every stop on their grand tour of the city’s bars, but that was a small price to pay for someone who both had Rocky Road on permanent tap and who didn’t back down from a sparring beatdown. Not that she was shy about handing beatdowns out, either. If Babs ever took Dinah’s advice and became Rolling Thunder, the Escrima Stick Menace, Darkseid wouldn’t be giving Earth anymore trouble.
Dinah keyed her code into the elevator and it shot up to Barbara’s floor, the one not represented by lights above the doors. They opened and Dinah stepped out into Barbara’s inner sanctum. It looked perfectly normal. Flowers were a little wilted: Dinah picked up a half-full glass of water and dumped it into the pot. And after all the trouble she’d gone to to cultivate Babs a rose as green as her eyes…
“Babs, hey, are you decent?” She poked her head in Barbara’s bedroom to find a neatly made bed neatly empty. “You’ve got a hot guy worried about you, that is awfully ungracious. Babsy?”
She looked in the computer room, which was the first place she should’ve checked. Barbara was fast asleep, using the mousepad as a pillow. She was cuddled up to the keyboard, whispering sweet nothings into its number pad.
“I hoped you used an antivirus,” Dinah quipped. Barbara was a sound sleeper, which would make this next part easier. Stifling a gargantuan yawn (Barbara’s log-sawing was reminding her of how warm and soft her bed had been before being stolen away by the Dread Pirate Dick), Dinah picked Barbara up with arms around her back and legs. Barbara’s head immediately slumped forward to land on Dinah’s cleavage.
“Mmm, soft.” Barbara snuggled in deeper before running afoul of an underwire. “Oww! Bedbug!”
“I’ve been said to have worse parasites.” Dinah lifted Barbara out of her wheelchair, really wishing that Miss Self-Sufficient would spring for some handles. Just because she could go it alone, didn’t mean she had to. Or should.
Barbara spent the entire trip to bed resting her head on Dinah’s chest, with mumblings like “Yes, King Candyland, your marshmallow throne is quite comfortable. I shall rule with strength and fairness” or “But Barda, what will your husband think?” or “Stop poking me with the eraser, Cass, how will you experience the world of Barsoom if you never learn to read?” Dinah really hoped those were three separate dreams, although she would have paid more attention in class if her teachers had been doing naughty things with Big Barda (who did kind of resemble a gym coach she had once had).
“And here’s where the magic happens.” Dinah toed open the door to the bedroom. Damn, that bed looked good. It looked like the kind of bed Hugh Jackman would make love on. Dinah eased the covers back with her foot, then set Barbara down and pulled the covers over her. Although, the bed looked very warm to have clothes on underneath and that looked like too nice a top to wrinkle.
Pulling the covers back, Dinah quickly undressed Barbara, careful not to look. But why shouldn’t she look? Barbara was the bisexual, right down to the messy breakup with Peej. Dinah was hetero to the bone.
There. Dinah looked. They were nice, even by the superhero world’s gravity-defying standards. But Dinah quickly pulled the covers up once she’d done her job. “Anything else? Glass of water? Bedtime story?”
Barbara yawned. Adorably. If Dinah ever had a daughter, she hoped she would be just like Babs. Maybe less of a control freak and with better taste in men than someone in Gotham, but otherwise Mini-Babs. Oh, and a natural blonde.
Before thoughts of mommy-daughter raids on the League of Assassins could ingrain too firmly on Dinah’s psyche, the yawn proved contagious and Dinah nearly blacked out. ”Okay, no responsible superheroic role model would drive home this tired and neither will I. Babs, mind if I use your bed for some catnap action? I don’t trust that you’ve gotten the stains from your last on-again with Dick out of the sofa.”
Barbara muttered something about Katarina and the wrong hole.
“Whatever you say.”
Dinah barely kept her eyes open through disrobing. She crawled into bed next to Barbara and felt sleep coming for her as soon as she hit the pillow.
“No funny business,” she warned Barbara, right before losing herself to a dream about the early days, when Oracle was a handsome crime-fighting millionaire who would take her away faster than Calgon ever could.
***
“Morning, Dinah.” Dinah felt a set of soft, delicious lips kiss her shoulder.
“Good morning, lover.” The lips (presumably attached to someone who really knew what he was doing) worked their magic on the side of Dinah’s torso and Dinah’s eyes snapped open in panic. Who the hell was she in bed with? It’d been a long time since she’d gotten so blotto she couldn’t remember a hook-up. Please, God, don’t be Ollie… or Connor… or Roy… well, Roy…
It was funny. She didn’t feel hung-over. In fact, the last thing she remembered was tucking… Babs… in…
Dinah rolled over. Barbara was lying next to her, looking unspeakable amused. “Oh, thank God. I thought you were Ollie.”
“That would be a nightmare.” Barbara kissed her cheek. “Stay right there, I’ll make breakfast.”
“And planning like that is why you’re in charge.” Dinah snuggled deeper into Barbara’s fine mattress. “So, did I rock your world?”
Barbara mimed fanning herself as she swung into her spare wheelchair.
Barbara Gordon, Dinah thought happily. Considerate, smart, nice… why couldn’t the men in her life be more like Babs? If the hacker were a boy, she’d marry her. Him.
After ten minutes of decadent lounging, it struck Dinah that Barbara might not have changed the sheets after her last Dick-lick. She took a long shower, cast a longing look at the massaging showerhead (Dick giving a lap dance to Roy and Barbara’s lips at her ribs demanded action), and dressed in her old clothes. It was the least shameful walk of shame she’d ever taken.
She walked out to find dinner had become a foursome. Zinda and Helena had seized the stove and consigned Barbara to the crossword puzzle. As soon as Dinah walked in, dressed in yesterday’s clothes with her wet hair in a towel turban, Helena’s jaw dropped.
“Pay up,” Zinda said, holding out her hand.
“I’ll buy you a round later.” Helena ditched to drag Dinah to the nook. “Alright, spill. How was it? Was the redhead kinky? Don’t tell me the redhead wasn’t kinky.”
“Helena, we didn’t—“
“—agree to talk about our personal lives.” Barbara nodded. “You can just keep your perverse, drunken fantasies to yourself.”
But as soon as Dinah had her back turned, she got the unmistakable impression that Barbara was making an obscene gesture.
“We’re just happy y’all have finally stopped beating round the bush,” Zinda said.
“And started going through it,” Helena added.
“Well, I think it’s a little too early to be planning our marriage.” Barbara took Dinah’s hand. “After all, I might end up hating having a blonde kung-fu master (who can wear the hell out of fishnet stockings) hanging around to sex me up.”
Dinah’s world turned upside-down. Barbara thought it was real. She must’ve been utterly exhausted, dreamed that she’d made love to Dinah, then woken up, seen her naked, and assumed they’d resolved their UST! On the plus side, though, apparently Dream-Dinah was an f’n stud. Damn right.
“Babs, can I talk to you in private for a moment?”
“Mah gawd, you alley-cat, ya have company over!” Zinda cried
Helena patted her hand. “Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll let us watch.”
“Salutations!” Koriand’r, princess of Tamaran and Dick’s former sex-upper-ier, flew through the window.
“Oh my god, she really is summoned by mentions of public sex!” Helena yelled. “Cool.”
“Don’t be silly, I’m only here because Barbara has abdicated her claim on Dick Grayson, which means he’s mine now.” She clenched her fist and it glowed slightly. “Everyone got that?”
They all quickly voiced affirmatives.
“Splendid!” she cheered. She smiled darkly at Barbara. “Didn’t I tell you your monogamy would be your undoing? You’ll never get your hands on my Dick again!”
“You can shove Dick up your ass for all I care. I’ve got Dinah.”
“You can say Dick blows all you like, but we both know that when it comes to satisfying a woman, you can’t beat Dick.”
“Dick is very sensitive, true, but he needs so much coddling, so much support.”
“And I’d love to give it to him. With me, Dick will always feel warm. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to break up with my current sex buddy, Harry Johnson.”
She flew off with an impressive toss of her hair.
“Well, sounds like Dick is wrapped up,” Barbara said.
“Babs, are you sure it’s wise to let Dick slip through your fingers?” Dinah was getting anxious about how many bridges Barbara was burning to be with her. When she learned the truth, imagine the pain if Kory had her claws in Dick!
“Relax. Now and then, I’m sure Kory will give us Dick. She goes down for anything.”
(“Is Dick a person?” Zinda was asking Helena.
“I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.”)
“But how did she know about us in the first place?”
“I guess Barda must have told her.”
Barda burst through the front door. “Hear ye, hear ye! As set forth by great Darkseid—“
Scott followed behind her. “Who is really not so great once you get to know him…”
“—on this holiest of days we shall pray for the fertility of Dinah and Barbara so that they may have many children for Darkseid’s army!”
“Or any number of fulfilling alternate careers,” Scott added.
“Do you have to do this now!?” Dinah panicked. “Barbara! I cannot get pregnant right now!”
“Relax, hon, it’s just a way for us to show respect for their culture. Their authoritarian, militaristic culture.”
“Thank you,” Barda said. “All forces of darkness and shadow…!”
“As well as all forces of light and tasty desserts…”
“Bless this union with all your evil power!”
“But also with kittens and other baby animals.”
“Let the death gods smile at the havoc they unleash!”
“But also on their snuggling.”
“When their black and twisted souls descend into Hades, let it hold no surprises!”
“But, uh…” Scott turned to Barda. “Isn’t that a little harsh?”
“O spirits, scratch that last one! But heed the basic sentiment!”
“I’m not even sure I want the blessing of eldritch forces!” Dinah said. “And a fertility rite? I mean, what is even the point of—“
Barbara vomited.
“Oh, gross!” Zinda cried, grabbing a paper towel.
“That’s why I switched to longpants,” Helena said.
“Sorry, just a bit of morning sickness.”
Dinah’s hands met her cheeks. “You’re pregnant!”
“Yes! And you’re the father!” she pointed.
“Hello to you too,” Dick Grayson replied. “Babs, baby, you’ve gotta take me back! You don’t know what it’s like with Kory! It’s always sex, sex, sex, finish those edible panties before you start on the whipped cream bra, now it’s your turn to wear the handcuffs, don’t forget to turn on the camera, we’re going to need a bigger bed if my friend’s going to join us. I don’t have anything to angst about! I feel like Bruce is going to disown me again!”
(“He drag-raced the Batmobile,” Helena whispered to Zinda.
“Ah.”)
“Can’t you angst about not having anything to angst about?” Barbara suggested.
“Don’t get meta with me! You’re not Alan Moore!”
“Yes, you can tell by the chin. I have one.”
“I’m not ready to have kids!” Dinah protested.
“And may it be a masculine child, o spirits!” Barda intoned.
“If it’s a boy,” Scott amended.
Barda glared at him.
“I think my water just broke!” Barbara said.
“I don’t even know how to change a diaper! The clocktower isn’t baby-proofed! What if Helena wants to hold the baby?”
“I could distract her with sex,” Zinda offered.
“Hey, I dated Dick, I think I can handle a baby.”
“How does ‘Dick’ lead to babies?” Dick asked, trying to follow the conversation. And not liking where it was leading him.
“Stop thinking about Dick and start thinking about Babs! She’s having a baby! Now!”
“How could it have developed so fast?” Barbara cried.
“Next time I see Wally, I’ma gonna punch him in the mouth,” Dick swore.
“You guys, this isn’t important! Now, everyone, think about Barbara! Helena, tear some strips of cloth and boil some water. Zinda, look on the internet for what to do with strips of cloth and boiling water. Dick, take off her clothes, you have the most experience with that. Barda, hold Barbara’s hand.”
“Do not worry, battle sister.” Barda took Barbara’s hand. “This pain is nothing compared to the battle of OW OW OUCHIE!”
“Sorry, I got her a stress ball for Christmas,” Dinah said.
“I can’t feel my fingernails!”
“And I’ll think up an escape plan for the baby!” Scott rubbed his chin. “Is there any way we can smuggle in a nail file?”
“Must… Rip… Dick… Off!” Barbara gritted out.
“Oh no, I’m not falling for that Nigerian e-mail like I did last time we broke up!”
“Oh God, I feel like I’m about to reenact that scene from Aliens!” Barbara screamed.
“Don’t you mean Alien?” Helena added.
“Chestbursters are in all the Alien movies, they’re an essential part of the Xenomorph’s lifecycle!”
“Breathe, baby. Remember your Lamaze classes,” Dinah comforted.
“I never took any Lamaze classes!”
“Then imagine your Lamaze classes!”
“I can see the head!” Scott reported.
“Scott! You will not look at anyone’s vagina but mine!” Barda ordered.
“It’s not like I’m enjoying the view. Oh, hey, she’s a natural redhead.”
“But does she have a Mega-Rod?”
“No, although there is this funny-looking mole—“
“Push, Babs, push!” Dick urged.
“Shut up! This is all your fault!”
“Yes! Something to angst over!”
“One last push, come on!” Dinah said.
“NNGH-crappa-lappa-ding-dong-ugh!” Barbara said.
“It’s out! Dick, cut the cord!”
“How can I cut the cord when I can’t even put on a condom?” Dick moaned in agony.
“I can do it,” Barda offered.
“No!” Scott said.
“No!” Dinah said.
“Hell no!” Barbara said. “Dinah, Dinah, hold the baby…”
“Uh, maybe after she’d been dusted off a little. I don’t know how to get… whatever that stuff is… out of linens.”
“It’s not female, it’s a boy!” Barbara held up the baby to reveal he had a thin yellow goatee and a green cap perched atop its potatoish head.
“Dinah! Give me your milk!”
Dinah screamed and instinctively kicked out, hitting the Ollie-baby out of Barbara’s arms. He flew out the window.
“Oh God.” Dinah fell to her knees. “What’ve I done?”
“You haven’t killed him, he’s teetering right on the edge,” Helena said. She reached out the window and everyone heard a loud waaaaaaaah rapidly dwindling. “Okay, now you’ve killed him.”
“It’s okay.” Barbara patted Dinah’s hand. “We’ll tell everyone he was born that way. Zinda, get me some Jim Bean and bring that microwave closer.”
“No, I’m a baby-killer… baby-killer…”
“Who do you think you’re sleeping with? Come on, wake up!” Barbara gave Dinah a shake.
Dinah’s eyes opened. “Oh, Babs! It was all a terrible dream.”
“Yes, Patrick Duffy is still alive,” Barbara relaxed back onto her side of the bed. “You know, you could’ve at least bought me dinner first.”
“Huh? Oh! I was just gonna cat-nap…” She looked at the clock. “Twelve! How could I be that tired?”
“Maybe you were just comfortable.” Barbara tiredly slung an arm around Dinah’s stomach. “See? That feels pretty nice.”
“Yeah. You wanna hear my lame dream?”
“Id like nothing better.”
“You woke up and thought we were lovers.”
“We weren’t?”
“No, I was just crashing in your bed.”
“Christ, even in a dream I can’t get any. So, did I tempt you to the dark side of your sexuality?”
”It wasn’t that kind of dream. Though Starfire did show up to say Dick was all hers.”
“She’s welcome to him.”
“And the Frees did a fertility dance for us. And Helena had a bet with Zinda about us having sex.”
“Finally, some realism.”
“Then you gave birth to Ollie’s baby and I kicked it out the window. Tell me what that means?”
“Besides that you’ve been using too much hair dye?” (Dinah chuckled.) “Maybe you’re deflecting your own feelings onto the other people in your dream. Kory wanted a relationship, Barda wanted kids… maybe you want a family.”
“I have a family here. Or, I did…”
“Was there anyone else?”
“Well, there was you… in love with me… and Dick, who wanted you to take me back… him, him back.”
“Are you sure you were that tired? Or is it that you don’t want me to leave?”
“I’m not gay. Am I?”
“There is a test.”
“What is it?”
Barbara leaned forward, lips parting.
It was a long, strenuous test, but Dinah had a great tutor.