seriousfic (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
seriousfic) wrote2011-08-22 12:05 pm
seriousfic) wrote2011-08-22 12:05 pm
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Lezbos Part 3
Alright, first act is almost a wrap. I'm scoring myself pretty well on this one--we've gotten the characters down, the problems, the relationships, and we're about to introduce the central plot device, all within thirty pages. Not too shabby, if I do say so.
As you may have noticed by now, both Alicia and Billie are fannish, since most of the women I know are fangirls and, hey, write what you know. I think Billie, despite being the more stereotypical nerd, is the less fannish of the two--she hangs out on bulletin boards to discuss things, but the extent of her fanworks is probably some Richard/Kahlan vids for LotS (set to Enya music!). While Alicia stalks kink memes and writes things that would get her arrested in the nineteen-fifties.
Next time, faux-lesbianism! Finally!
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – LATE AFTERNOON
Tight on Billie's face. Her eyes are red; she lies awake, wrapped in a blanket.
ALICIA: (O.S.) Are you getting out of bed today?
BILLIE: No. I'm going to die in this spot.
ALICIA: (O.S.) You have to get up sometime, Billie.
BILLIE: Why?
Wide shot. Billie is still sleeping on Alicia.
ALICIA: I have to do number two.
BILLIE: Oh. Okay.
She tries to get out of Alicia's way and ends up falling out of frame.
BILLIE: (O.S.) I'm going to die here.
ALICIA: Not on the carpet. Go to the kitchen, there's tile.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – LATER
Alicia is wearing fresh clothes, holding the refrigerator door open. Billie is still in 'bed.'
ALICIA: Lunchtime! You want Chinese or older Chinese?
BILLIE: I'm on hunger strike.
ALICIA: You have to be protesting something to be on hunger strike.
BILLIE: I'm protesting being single.
ALICIA: What, you're just going to starve yourself to get a boyfriend? Just get thinner and thinner until some guy wants to go out with you? I know it sounds like it would work, but Tara Reid. Tara. Reid.
BILLIE: I can't be single again, Alicia. Do men still do that thing where they date you until you put out, then poof, bye?
ALICIA: Maaaaybe.
BILLIE: I have not evolved for the dick and dash. I am biologically programmed to have a baby put in me. I'm ready to be a MILF.
ALICIA: Don't tell me you were thinking of breeding with Zane. That's, like, how The Boys From Brazil starts.
BILLIE: Is it so wrong to want a family? That's how it works, right, you find your guy, you get married, you have kids… I thought I'd ticked off item one.
ALICIA: Life isn't a checklist.
BILLIE: You wouldn't say that if you had checked anything off.
Hurt but taking the hit, Alicia gets up.
ALICIA: So yeah, I'm gonna cook something. You don't seem to be in a rice mood.
BILLIE: Still on hunger strike. I'm Gandhi with boobs.
ALICIA: (under her breath) Don't flatter yourself.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – STILL LATER
Alicia serves Billie breakfast in bed. Pancakes, eggs, bacon. It looks actually delicious.
ALICIA: I've officially used Home Ec more than Algebra. I'm a horrible feminist.
BILLIE: I'm not eating that. It's gonna be cold and unappreciated, like my womb.
ALICIA: Fine. The roaches can have it.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – EVEN LATER
Billie's fork scrapes the plate. The TV is on and she's watching a show about penguins.
BILLIE: They mate for life, you know. The males help hatch the eggs. They're such good fathers.
ALICIA: Billie, are you thinking about fucking a penguin?
BILLIE: What if I am?
ALICIA: Okay, I was a goth for two years in high school, I can appreciate a good sulk. But I draw the line at interspecies relationships.
BILLIE: Bigot.
Alicia drops on the couch beside Billie, crushing her legs.
ALICIA: Listen to me, Billie. You think you're lame and pathetic, but you're really stupid to think that! …I mean, you're ugly, but only because you make yourself ugly.
BILLIE: This is about dessert foods, isn't it? I thought it was enough to eat yogurt instead of ice cream, but that's fat logic! Danny DeVito thinks that way.
This is why Alicia isn't a motivational speaker.
ALICIA: Forget it. Listen, here's what what. We're gonna dress like expensive hookers, go to a poppin' club, and let hot guys buy us drinks. There'll be dancing, drug use, strong language, adult situations… we are getting KRUNK.
INT. BAR - EVENING
A modestly-sleazy dive. Billie, looking hot-but-classy, sits across from Alicia, looking hot-but-hot. Michael Buble music plays. If this place were any deader, there'd be an autopsy.
BILLIE: Being single, day one. Cheers.
She chugs.
ALICIA: You wanna slow down on those?
BILLIE: No, I wanna do a kegstand.
ALICIA: What happened to this place? It used to be jumping. They played rap music!
BILLIE: And now Ice Cube makes family films. Face it. We're old. And alone. We're spinsters. Old maids. Cougars.
ALICIA: I'm not old, got it? I know you're brooding, but you are going from Batman to Darth Vader here.
BILLIE: You're not old? Then they haven't remade any movies from your childhood, right?
ALICIA: Shit. Jurassic Park: Rise of the Raptors.
While she's still reeling, a wild DOUCHEBAG appears.
DOUCHEBAG: Hey babe, mind if I sit with you or are ya waiting for a black guy?
He nods to himself at this 'quip.' Alicia moves in front of Billie like a Secret Service agent taking a bullet for the President.
ALICIA: We're not nearly desperate enough. Go find a fat chick.
DOUCHE: Thought I did.
He moves off from the outraged Alicia. Billie holds her back from going after him.
BILLIE: Thanks. I have no idea how to get rid of guys like that. I hate to be rude.
ALICIA: I love it. It's like being an action hero, but without having to exercise.
A waiter walks over with a tray of drinks. They look up hopefully, but he passes them. He's delivering it to two handsy blonde SORORITY GIRLS, one sitting on the other's lap. The rest of the seats are taken up by admiring men.
BILLIE: Look at that bullshit.
ALICIA: (intrigued) Sure thing.
BILLIE: I bet they're not even bicurious. I bet they're about a Dick Cheney on the Kinsey Scale.
ALICIA: I don't think you can have a Y chromosome and care.
BILLIE: Can we go now? If I wanted to watch two lipstick lesbians with a bunch of guys, I'd have packed some of Zane's DVD collection.
ALICIA: There has to be some guy here for us. Look around.
BILLIE: (looking at an older divorcee) Go back to your wife, buddy. (two college bros) Just admit the gay. (schlubby guy) Maybe.
ALICIA: What? He looks like he's the PC to someone's Mac. You deserve a Mac.
BILLIE: I hate the Mac. Smug trust-fund kid. At least PC is cute.
ALICIA: Do you realize how much cunnilingus he'd owe you just for third base?
BILLIE: I wouldn't make him go down on me.
Alicia slaps the table.
ALICIA: Shut the front door! Billie, haven't you ever been to a street fight?
BILLIE: No. I have not ever been to a street fight.
ALICIA: It's about honor. Wilhelmina Georgette Plum, street fighters respect the code of war. That's why they salute each other after the fight, if they're conscious. Going down on a girl is like that. Sure, they got you to have sex with them, but you're still allowed dignity in defeat.
BILLIE: Wow. How can someone who loves sex as much as you hate guys so much?
ALICIA: Hypocrisy. (finishes her drink) You're right. Let's get out of here before you do someone you'll regret. Three words: Harry Potter marathon. I've had those DVDs forever, just never watched them.
BILLIE: I got you those DVDs.
ALICIA: I was waiting for you to watch them with me. I need someone to explain to me what the hell a Hufflepuff is.
BILLIE: (agreeing) It would be nice to watch those without Zane asking when Snape was going to kill Dumbledore.
They clink glasses. Jill Scott's Hate On Me is cued up.
INT. BEST BUY – EVENING
Montage, shot entirely in the style of a rap video (gratuitous slo-mo, Billie and Alicia acting gangsta, Hate On Me continuing over). Billie and Alicia strut into the DVD section, grab the last copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 before someone else can take it, slap him with it. Alicia slaps the money down on the counter and then gives the bag boy the finger.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – EVENING
Montage continues. Billie pushes a shopping cart (shot in the style of an Escalade). Alicia sweeps an entire rack of chips into it. Billie knocks over a stack of candy so some of it falls into the cart. They flash gang signs as they wait in line.
INT. CAR – EVENING
Driving along, they see a group of girls wearing Team Edward shirts and do a drive-by… with paintball guns. They speed off, running through a yellow light. Billie sees a pet store.
INT. PET STORE – EVENING
Completely out of character, the girls aww at the bunnies and pick one, then make it rain with singles on their way out. Music cuts off.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – NIGHT
Hours of magic later. Wearing scarves and fake glasses, the ladies watch Voldemort overact. Billie sits straight up, in higher spirits, while Alicia has laid her head down on her lap. The bunny is in a cage on the coffee table. The phone rings. Billie picks it up and passes it to Alicia, who checks the caller ID.
ALICIA: Speaking of exes…
She shows Billie the name. Alex.
BILLIE: I'm not familiar with that one. Older man? Scandalously younger?
ALICIA: Loser. (hits Ignore) It's been too long. These pasty underfed Brits are getting me hot.
BILLIE: Do I want your head on my lap while we're having this conversation?
ALICIA: Sure. Dibs on Sirius.
BILLIE: He belongs with Lupin!
Alicia laughs and slaps Billie's knee. They watch for a few more moments. Alicia starts to yawn. Billie slips back into depression.
BILLIE: All the good men are gay, married, or fictional. I would trade every guy in this building for a night with Severus Snape.
ALICIA: Really? Dude's like if Wil Wheaton had grown up a virgin. I'd buy American. Steve Rogers.
BILLIE: Captain America? Isn't he a little straight arrow for you?
ALICIA: I like my arrows straight. And maybe it'd be good for me, being with a nice guy. If I had someone like that, keeping me out of trouble, maybe I wouldn't still be an intern at my age. Which is ancient. (yawns) Independence Day: Evolution. Shit, why'd they remake that without Will Smith?
BILLIE: I'd date Iron Man.
ALICIA: Oh, hard-drinker, partyboy, poonhound. Definitely your type.
BILLIE: It wouldn't be boring.
ALICIA: I can do boring. Just not… average.
BILLIE: I can do fun. I just prefer sweet.
Harry Potter theme comes up. Billie pats Alicia's head.
BILLIE: That's year five done. Load the next one.
ALICIA: …tired. I'm just gonna stay here. You load it.
BILLIE: Your head has a wrestling hold on my leg.
ALICIA: You're the smart one. Figure something out.
Billie switches the TV to cable. Which Alicia doesn't have. She surfs and goes through the five networks before looping around. Horrors. Alicia yawns and Billie considerately turns the volume down.
ALICIA: (half-asleep) Billie?
BILLIE: Yeah?
ALICIA: (all-asleep) You're not average.
BILLIE: Yeah. The average woman has a guy, friends, family. I'm below average.
Alicia yawns and dozes off.
As you may have noticed by now, both Alicia and Billie are fannish, since most of the women I know are fangirls and, hey, write what you know. I think Billie, despite being the more stereotypical nerd, is the less fannish of the two--she hangs out on bulletin boards to discuss things, but the extent of her fanworks is probably some Richard/Kahlan vids for LotS (set to Enya music!). While Alicia stalks kink memes and writes things that would get her arrested in the nineteen-fifties.
Next time, faux-lesbianism! Finally!
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – LATE AFTERNOON
Tight on Billie's face. Her eyes are red; she lies awake, wrapped in a blanket.
ALICIA: (O.S.) Are you getting out of bed today?
BILLIE: No. I'm going to die in this spot.
ALICIA: (O.S.) You have to get up sometime, Billie.
BILLIE: Why?
Wide shot. Billie is still sleeping on Alicia.
ALICIA: I have to do number two.
BILLIE: Oh. Okay.
She tries to get out of Alicia's way and ends up falling out of frame.
BILLIE: (O.S.) I'm going to die here.
ALICIA: Not on the carpet. Go to the kitchen, there's tile.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – LATER
Alicia is wearing fresh clothes, holding the refrigerator door open. Billie is still in 'bed.'
ALICIA: Lunchtime! You want Chinese or older Chinese?
BILLIE: I'm on hunger strike.
ALICIA: You have to be protesting something to be on hunger strike.
BILLIE: I'm protesting being single.
ALICIA: What, you're just going to starve yourself to get a boyfriend? Just get thinner and thinner until some guy wants to go out with you? I know it sounds like it would work, but Tara Reid. Tara. Reid.
BILLIE: I can't be single again, Alicia. Do men still do that thing where they date you until you put out, then poof, bye?
ALICIA: Maaaaybe.
BILLIE: I have not evolved for the dick and dash. I am biologically programmed to have a baby put in me. I'm ready to be a MILF.
ALICIA: Don't tell me you were thinking of breeding with Zane. That's, like, how The Boys From Brazil starts.
BILLIE: Is it so wrong to want a family? That's how it works, right, you find your guy, you get married, you have kids… I thought I'd ticked off item one.
ALICIA: Life isn't a checklist.
BILLIE: You wouldn't say that if you had checked anything off.
Hurt but taking the hit, Alicia gets up.
ALICIA: So yeah, I'm gonna cook something. You don't seem to be in a rice mood.
BILLIE: Still on hunger strike. I'm Gandhi with boobs.
ALICIA: (under her breath) Don't flatter yourself.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – STILL LATER
Alicia serves Billie breakfast in bed. Pancakes, eggs, bacon. It looks actually delicious.
ALICIA: I've officially used Home Ec more than Algebra. I'm a horrible feminist.
BILLIE: I'm not eating that. It's gonna be cold and unappreciated, like my womb.
ALICIA: Fine. The roaches can have it.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – EVEN LATER
Billie's fork scrapes the plate. The TV is on and she's watching a show about penguins.
BILLIE: They mate for life, you know. The males help hatch the eggs. They're such good fathers.
ALICIA: Billie, are you thinking about fucking a penguin?
BILLIE: What if I am?
ALICIA: Okay, I was a goth for two years in high school, I can appreciate a good sulk. But I draw the line at interspecies relationships.
BILLIE: Bigot.
Alicia drops on the couch beside Billie, crushing her legs.
ALICIA: Listen to me, Billie. You think you're lame and pathetic, but you're really stupid to think that! …I mean, you're ugly, but only because you make yourself ugly.
BILLIE: This is about dessert foods, isn't it? I thought it was enough to eat yogurt instead of ice cream, but that's fat logic! Danny DeVito thinks that way.
This is why Alicia isn't a motivational speaker.
ALICIA: Forget it. Listen, here's what what. We're gonna dress like expensive hookers, go to a poppin' club, and let hot guys buy us drinks. There'll be dancing, drug use, strong language, adult situations… we are getting KRUNK.
INT. BAR - EVENING
A modestly-sleazy dive. Billie, looking hot-but-classy, sits across from Alicia, looking hot-but-hot. Michael Buble music plays. If this place were any deader, there'd be an autopsy.
BILLIE: Being single, day one. Cheers.
She chugs.
ALICIA: You wanna slow down on those?
BILLIE: No, I wanna do a kegstand.
ALICIA: What happened to this place? It used to be jumping. They played rap music!
BILLIE: And now Ice Cube makes family films. Face it. We're old. And alone. We're spinsters. Old maids. Cougars.
ALICIA: I'm not old, got it? I know you're brooding, but you are going from Batman to Darth Vader here.
BILLIE: You're not old? Then they haven't remade any movies from your childhood, right?
ALICIA: Shit. Jurassic Park: Rise of the Raptors.
While she's still reeling, a wild DOUCHEBAG appears.
DOUCHEBAG: Hey babe, mind if I sit with you or are ya waiting for a black guy?
He nods to himself at this 'quip.' Alicia moves in front of Billie like a Secret Service agent taking a bullet for the President.
ALICIA: We're not nearly desperate enough. Go find a fat chick.
DOUCHE: Thought I did.
He moves off from the outraged Alicia. Billie holds her back from going after him.
BILLIE: Thanks. I have no idea how to get rid of guys like that. I hate to be rude.
ALICIA: I love it. It's like being an action hero, but without having to exercise.
A waiter walks over with a tray of drinks. They look up hopefully, but he passes them. He's delivering it to two handsy blonde SORORITY GIRLS, one sitting on the other's lap. The rest of the seats are taken up by admiring men.
BILLIE: Look at that bullshit.
ALICIA: (intrigued) Sure thing.
BILLIE: I bet they're not even bicurious. I bet they're about a Dick Cheney on the Kinsey Scale.
ALICIA: I don't think you can have a Y chromosome and care.
BILLIE: Can we go now? If I wanted to watch two lipstick lesbians with a bunch of guys, I'd have packed some of Zane's DVD collection.
ALICIA: There has to be some guy here for us. Look around.
BILLIE: (looking at an older divorcee) Go back to your wife, buddy. (two college bros) Just admit the gay. (schlubby guy) Maybe.
ALICIA: What? He looks like he's the PC to someone's Mac. You deserve a Mac.
BILLIE: I hate the Mac. Smug trust-fund kid. At least PC is cute.
ALICIA: Do you realize how much cunnilingus he'd owe you just for third base?
BILLIE: I wouldn't make him go down on me.
Alicia slaps the table.
ALICIA: Shut the front door! Billie, haven't you ever been to a street fight?
BILLIE: No. I have not ever been to a street fight.
ALICIA: It's about honor. Wilhelmina Georgette Plum, street fighters respect the code of war. That's why they salute each other after the fight, if they're conscious. Going down on a girl is like that. Sure, they got you to have sex with them, but you're still allowed dignity in defeat.
BILLIE: Wow. How can someone who loves sex as much as you hate guys so much?
ALICIA: Hypocrisy. (finishes her drink) You're right. Let's get out of here before you do someone you'll regret. Three words: Harry Potter marathon. I've had those DVDs forever, just never watched them.
BILLIE: I got you those DVDs.
ALICIA: I was waiting for you to watch them with me. I need someone to explain to me what the hell a Hufflepuff is.
BILLIE: (agreeing) It would be nice to watch those without Zane asking when Snape was going to kill Dumbledore.
They clink glasses. Jill Scott's Hate On Me is cued up.
INT. BEST BUY – EVENING
Montage, shot entirely in the style of a rap video (gratuitous slo-mo, Billie and Alicia acting gangsta, Hate On Me continuing over). Billie and Alicia strut into the DVD section, grab the last copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 before someone else can take it, slap him with it. Alicia slaps the money down on the counter and then gives the bag boy the finger.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – EVENING
Montage continues. Billie pushes a shopping cart (shot in the style of an Escalade). Alicia sweeps an entire rack of chips into it. Billie knocks over a stack of candy so some of it falls into the cart. They flash gang signs as they wait in line.
INT. CAR – EVENING
Driving along, they see a group of girls wearing Team Edward shirts and do a drive-by… with paintball guns. They speed off, running through a yellow light. Billie sees a pet store.
INT. PET STORE – EVENING
Completely out of character, the girls aww at the bunnies and pick one, then make it rain with singles on their way out. Music cuts off.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – NIGHT
Hours of magic later. Wearing scarves and fake glasses, the ladies watch Voldemort overact. Billie sits straight up, in higher spirits, while Alicia has laid her head down on her lap. The bunny is in a cage on the coffee table. The phone rings. Billie picks it up and passes it to Alicia, who checks the caller ID.
ALICIA: Speaking of exes…
She shows Billie the name. Alex.
BILLIE: I'm not familiar with that one. Older man? Scandalously younger?
ALICIA: Loser. (hits Ignore) It's been too long. These pasty underfed Brits are getting me hot.
BILLIE: Do I want your head on my lap while we're having this conversation?
ALICIA: Sure. Dibs on Sirius.
BILLIE: He belongs with Lupin!
Alicia laughs and slaps Billie's knee. They watch for a few more moments. Alicia starts to yawn. Billie slips back into depression.
BILLIE: All the good men are gay, married, or fictional. I would trade every guy in this building for a night with Severus Snape.
ALICIA: Really? Dude's like if Wil Wheaton had grown up a virgin. I'd buy American. Steve Rogers.
BILLIE: Captain America? Isn't he a little straight arrow for you?
ALICIA: I like my arrows straight. And maybe it'd be good for me, being with a nice guy. If I had someone like that, keeping me out of trouble, maybe I wouldn't still be an intern at my age. Which is ancient. (yawns) Independence Day: Evolution. Shit, why'd they remake that without Will Smith?
BILLIE: I'd date Iron Man.
ALICIA: Oh, hard-drinker, partyboy, poonhound. Definitely your type.
BILLIE: It wouldn't be boring.
ALICIA: I can do boring. Just not… average.
BILLIE: I can do fun. I just prefer sweet.
Harry Potter theme comes up. Billie pats Alicia's head.
BILLIE: That's year five done. Load the next one.
ALICIA: …tired. I'm just gonna stay here. You load it.
BILLIE: Your head has a wrestling hold on my leg.
ALICIA: You're the smart one. Figure something out.
Billie switches the TV to cable. Which Alicia doesn't have. She surfs and goes through the five networks before looping around. Horrors. Alicia yawns and Billie considerately turns the volume down.
ALICIA: (half-asleep) Billie?
BILLIE: Yeah?
ALICIA: (all-asleep) You're not average.
BILLIE: Yeah. The average woman has a guy, friends, family. I'm below average.
Alicia yawns and dozes off.
no subject
"ALICIA: (all-asleep) You're not average."
I would LOVE to see this made as a movie. or a shirt film. Whatever works :)