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seriousfic) wrote2010-06-28 10:39 pm
seriousfic) wrote2010-06-28 10:39 pm
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Research: Blood of the Fold Chapters 1 and 2
Yeah, so, this is the third book of the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind, and would've formed the basis for the third season of Legend of the Seeker if/when the series continued. Take it away...
Backstory: Remember those few episodes where Richard had to go to a nunnery to learn magic from magic nuns? You remember, with The Seahawk of Casual Sex??? Well, in the second book, that was pretty much the entire plot, with a lot more characters and shit. But they got rid of all that to focus on Cara's feelings, so it all worked out. Anyway, Richard had to go off and leave Kahlan, because I guess she couldn't go with him for some reason even though that would make things much simpler for everyone, and at the nunnery there were some evil magic nuns who served the Keeper instead of the Creator. I guess under the feeling that it's worse to serve in heaven than to... serve in hell.
So their evil plan for Richard went awry (I think it involved sex. Did it involve sex? Pretty sure...) and now they're on a boat (not Penny's). They all wake up from a nightmare of Emperor Jagang torturing a different Sister of the Dark for her failure, sort of a Chaotic Evil pep talk. In the process, he grabbed one of the Sister's breasts hard enough to leave bruises, thus ensuring a complaint from the HR Department of the Damned. So the ladies, who all happen to sleep in the nude -- is that an evil thing? Is that why so many annoying celebrities go commando? -- get up to turn the ship around and go where Jagang ordered them, not even bothering to get dressed. I'll tell them what I told my dad, there's always time for pants. Naturally, the sailors respond to six naked ladies like sailors, so one of the SotD uses magic to gouge some eyeballs out. Feminists, man.
Meanwhile, in generic fantasy name, Richard and his pet gar, who he raked his brain to name Gratch, are eating spice soup. How's spice soup work anyway? Soups are named after the chief ingredient. By their very nature, spice is someone you add to a soup, not the main soupy bit. Why not 'salt soup' or 'bits of saltine cracker soup'?
Oh, yeah, Richard killed the mother of this baby gar (it's like a bear with wings. That sound you heard is every one of you making a Stephen Colbert reference in your head at the same time) and then he took the baby and raised it as his personal attack dog and Jesus, when I put it that way it sounds really bad. So, tl;dr, Richard is a Pokemon master.
Fact: Cara isn't kept in a Pokeball. The rest of the world is kept outside a Pokeball.
Some exposition goes down, along with some annoying Mary-Sueness from Kahlan... who as a child stole a roasted duck to give to a beggar woman. The beggar then yelled at her for not giving her gold, which I'm pretty sure is a joke from Scary Movie? So Kahlan's mother told her that if you help someone, they become your responsibility, so then Kahlan spent the entire day helping the woman find a job. I guess the moral is never help anyone ever? Huh. Odd story.
Then some invisible lizard people in capes attack (look, it's the third book, and not all the plot points can be 'bisexual dominatrix assassins in skintight leather') and Richard goes...
"Dance with me, Death. I am ready," Richard murmured [...] With the words came an instinctive understanding of their meaning: it was a morning prayer, meant to say that you could die this day, so you should strive to do your best while you still live.
That's why I say "Hang in there, kitty," when I charge into battle. Cliff hanga!
Backstory: Remember those few episodes where Richard had to go to a nunnery to learn magic from magic nuns? You remember, with The Seahawk of Casual Sex??? Well, in the second book, that was pretty much the entire plot, with a lot more characters and shit. But they got rid of all that to focus on Cara's feelings, so it all worked out. Anyway, Richard had to go off and leave Kahlan, because I guess she couldn't go with him for some reason even though that would make things much simpler for everyone, and at the nunnery there were some evil magic nuns who served the Keeper instead of the Creator. I guess under the feeling that it's worse to serve in heaven than to... serve in hell.
So their evil plan for Richard went awry (I think it involved sex. Did it involve sex? Pretty sure...) and now they're on a boat (not Penny's). They all wake up from a nightmare of Emperor Jagang torturing a different Sister of the Dark for her failure, sort of a Chaotic Evil pep talk. In the process, he grabbed one of the Sister's breasts hard enough to leave bruises, thus ensuring a complaint from the HR Department of the Damned. So the ladies, who all happen to sleep in the nude -- is that an evil thing? Is that why so many annoying celebrities go commando? -- get up to turn the ship around and go where Jagang ordered them, not even bothering to get dressed. I'll tell them what I told my dad, there's always time for pants. Naturally, the sailors respond to six naked ladies like sailors, so one of the SotD uses magic to gouge some eyeballs out. Feminists, man.
Meanwhile, in generic fantasy name, Richard and his pet gar, who he raked his brain to name Gratch, are eating spice soup. How's spice soup work anyway? Soups are named after the chief ingredient. By their very nature, spice is someone you add to a soup, not the main soupy bit. Why not 'salt soup' or 'bits of saltine cracker soup'?
Oh, yeah, Richard killed the mother of this baby gar (it's like a bear with wings. That sound you heard is every one of you making a Stephen Colbert reference in your head at the same time) and then he took the baby and raised it as his personal attack dog and Jesus, when I put it that way it sounds really bad. So, tl;dr, Richard is a Pokemon master.
Fact: Cara isn't kept in a Pokeball. The rest of the world is kept outside a Pokeball.
Some exposition goes down, along with some annoying Mary-Sueness from Kahlan... who as a child stole a roasted duck to give to a beggar woman. The beggar then yelled at her for not giving her gold, which I'm pretty sure is a joke from Scary Movie? So Kahlan's mother told her that if you help someone, they become your responsibility, so then Kahlan spent the entire day helping the woman find a job. I guess the moral is never help anyone ever? Huh. Odd story.
Then some invisible lizard people in capes attack (look, it's the third book, and not all the plot points can be 'bisexual dominatrix assassins in skintight leather') and Richard goes...
"Dance with me, Death. I am ready," Richard murmured [...] With the words came an instinctive understanding of their meaning: it was a morning prayer, meant to say that you could die this day, so you should strive to do your best while you still live.
That's why I say "Hang in there, kitty," when I charge into battle. Cliff hanga!
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Yes. Genderfail sex, as always. *rolls eyes hard*
Once you get to the Mord'Sith parts of BOTF, the books get almost halfway tolerable. Berdine and Raina are hilarious. TV!Cara definitely could have used them around to bounce snark and Richard-ridiculing off of.
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... I just thought it was the modding team name or something...
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If blood of the fold is bothering them, they don't need a guy with a sword, they need a gynecologist.
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Although, now I think about it, it may have been entirely intentional on Mr Goodkind's part...
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Or since we're working in a TOTALLY NOT FANTASY world where wingbears have names like "gar", maybe "Spice" is actually the name of a small six-legged rodent whose bones dissolve in hot water to make a tasty broth.
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