What if Beautiful Creatures were five minutes long?

[seriousfic]

ETHAN: Hello, I'm Ethan, I'll be your narrator this evening. I have dreams where I'm my own ancestor fighting in the Civil War, so there'll be some bullshit reincarnated love thing in this. Wait, does this mean I fucked my own great-great-grandmother? Weird. Anyway, I live in Gatlin, where America stores its stereotypes about everything south of the Mason-Dixie line. I really hate that there's no Starbucks in town and the movie theater misspells the names of movies, even though in any other film, that would be a sign of charming quaintness. But don't worry, I have a plan to save this town by making it legal to dance! (beat) What do you mean, they already remade Flashdance? This movie is over two hours long, what am I supposed to do for all that time?

LENA: Me! I'm a mysterious, dangerous stranger who you find yourself inordinately drawn to. I also belong to a family of paranormal creatures!

ETHAN: Wow, this thing is really not being subtle about being a gender-swapped Twilight, is it?

LENA: Ever since 50 Shades of Gray, you get to admit that you're just writing Twilight fanfic. It saves a lot of time.

Lena and Ethan go to class where the teacher has an eyepatch, which is the one thing in the movie that doesn't have a backstory stretching back hundreds of years, despite being the most interesting.

TEACHER: And who are you, miss?

ETHAN'S EX-GIRLFRIEND: Her name's Ravenwood.

LENA: SHUT YOUR HOLE, YOU FUCKING CUNT-HO!

AUDIENCE: So, are we supposed to take Lena's side in this conflict even though she completely started it?

MOVIE: Yes. Ethan's ex-girlfriend Emily really is a fucking cunt-ho.

Intrigued by Lena and her obvious psychopathy, Ethan goes to visit Lena and runs into SOUTHERN JEREMY IRONS, who magically makes him recite a long, traumatic monologue about committing suicide. He is one of the GOOD GUYS.

LENA: Well, any rational person would take that as a sign to stay away. You?

ETHAN: Nah, I'm a teenage boy with a hard-on.

LENA: I'm also telling you to leave.

ETHAN: I won't.

She's charmed by this, because in a LOVE STORY, not respecting a woman's boundaries makes you the HERO.



Back in high school, the English teacher tries to assign the class To Kill A Mockingbird.

EMILY: I won't read that! It's a banned book! Christians hate reading banned books!

AUDIENCE: Uh, the movie does know that To Kill A Mockingbird is usually challenged by black people, right? And Emily's friend in the scene is a black woman. So this scene is about a black woman and her friend saying they don't want to read a book where the N-word is dropped more than the first twenty minutes of Django Unchained and a bunch of white people telling them to sit down and shut up.

MOVIE: *suddenly has an uncomfortable racial subtext*

MOVIE: No, no, relax, it's just because they're Christians! Evil Christians! Look!

Emily and Savannah start praying to Jesus, handling snakes, passing around a collection plate, playing Creed music, and crucifying each other.

AUDIENCE: Wow. Subtle, much?

EMILY: We're actually an offshoot from Protestantism that believes it's our God-given duty to give straight lines for hip, edgy outsiders to make snarky rejoinders to.

AUDIENCE: So, what marks them as hip, edgy outsiders? Are they standing up for gay rights? Or Muslims? Maybe fighting against Creationism in the classroom?

MOVIE: They like to read!

AUDIENCE: …worst hip, edgy outsiders EVER!

Bored with establishing characterizations that were old-hat back when Stephen King used them in thirty-two novels, the movie decides to now have the windows explode and shower a bunch of teenagers with glass, graphically cutting them. Lena gets the blame, because she's an unfairly persecuted outsider like Harry Potter or the X-Men!

ETHAN: What a bunch of small-minded bigots, saying it's all your fault. Bastards!

LENA: Nope. That was all me. I did it. They have my number, I really am an obvious danger to everyone in that high school. But it was an accident! I can't control my powers, except when I can! If they just didn't bully me, then it wouldn't be a problem!

ETHAN: And that makes it okay? You're a teenage girl! What if you lose your temper because you think your boyfriend cheated on you, or your favorite skirt ripped, or you got a lot of homework over spring break? According to this movie, you could just accidentally flambé the whole school! And by going along with it, me and every other "good guy" in this movie is lying through their teeth about a real danger to the children of every parent in town.

LENA: I'm a YA protagonist, so I just want to feel normal!

ETHAN: And going to high school makes you feel normal? Clearly, you loathe everyone but me who goes to that school and no one feels that they're teaching you anything worthwhile. Is getting to see me in class really worth the obvious danger? I mean, this is like saying a six-foot-five quarterback who flies into violent rages at the drop of the hat should get to go to a normal high school, then lying about his psychiatric history and saying it's the other person's fault when he breaks their arm.

LENA: Didn't you watch the X-Men movies? Even if they raise a valid point, your opinion doesn't count if you're a conservative Christian. Which everyone who doesn't like me conveniently is. Yay, oppressed minority fantasy while still getting to be pretty and white!

ETHAN: Whatever, let's move on. I'll just visit your house and… whoa, seems like the forces of darkness are trying to kill me.

LENA: Oh, that's just Southern Jeremy Irons. He left the security system on.

ETHAN: YOUR HOUSE HAS A SECURITY SYSTEM THAT TRIES TO MURDER ANYONE WHO GETS NEAR IT? Because it sure looked like I was getting murdered there. What if I'd been a Jehovah's Witness?

LENA: Eh, no one seems to mind when we murder them.

Lena and her family's CLEAR SOCIOPATHY turns Ethan on and he starts smooching her. They are now a couple, which means it's time for the story to FINALLY INTRODUCE A CONFLICT.

RIDLEY: Hi all! I'm Ridley, Lena's cousin. At sixteen, female Casters are claimed by either the dark or the light, and I was claimed by the dark!

ETHAN: Wait, so was Southern Jeremy Irons, and he just decided to be good, so…

RIDLEY: Oh, that only works for men. Women become straight-up evil.

ETHAN: Okay. Any other obvious contrivances you want to drop on us?

RIDLEY: Casters can't fall in love with mortals, there's a curse on our family that means girls always turn evil, and no one recognizes Clark Kent because he wears glasses.

Because Ethan is the viewpoint character, Ridley takes him hostage through her power of SEXUALLY CONTROLLING MEN (no, really) and forces him to go to dinner with her parents. Just like in real life, huh fellas?

LENA: Well, me and my family are all supposedly good guys, but hell, you seem to be having fun making my boyfriend your love slave, so we're all just going to go with it.

RIDLEY: Wait, logically, if you're claimed by the Light, shouldn't you instantly turn into an awesome, saintly person? I mean, that's how it works for the Dark, you instantly become pure evil.

LENA: Meh.

RIDLEY: Hey, here's a thinker. Maybe after you're claimed by the Dark, your family will despise you and cast you out like they did me.

LENA: Wow, that's an interesting point, maybe we should talk about that OR WE COULD FIGHT!

The two Casters face off, marshalling all their supernatural power to MAKE THE DINNER TABLE SPIN AROUND.

RIDLEY: Really? God, my dress is a better special effect than this.

LENA: Our plot isn't any better than a CW show, what makes you think our budget would be?

Lena, who can't stop her power from randomly exploding windows, is now able to propel Ridley out of the house without breaking every bone in her body or setting a tree on fire or something.

ETHAN: Wow, what a bitch! How'd she get so evil?

LENA: I saw it all. When she turned sixteen, she started ripping up her clothes and making an O-face, then she gave fuck-me eyes to some random dude and murdered him.

ETHAN: So, wait, the premise of this movie is that at age sixteen, women either turn into evil bitches who enjoy sex or stay good girls? For a movie that hates Christians, we sure don't seem to mind borrowing their sexual politics.

SOUTHERN JEREMY IRONS: We need help. I'll go visit Viola Davis. As a Seer and a Keeper, it's her job to help white people.

VIOLA DAVIS: Wow, I'm literally a magical Negro.

Viola Davis takes Lena and Ethan to the secret library underneath town, which used to be in Washington DC until Nancy Reagan made them move. The TEENAGE TARGET AUDIENCE appreciates a joke about a First Lady whose husband was in office before they were born.

LENA: Neato equals keen! A book that has to contain answers on how to break the curse! Now I just have to search through every page for what I want to know.

ETHAN: You Casters can use magic to cause tornadoes, but not to create an index?

LENA: Shush.

Ethan spends the rest of the movie waiting for Lena to finish reading the book. This is VERY CINEMATIC.

Suddenly, the town calls a meeting to expel Lena because they don't want their children cut up by flying glass, THE INGRATES.

SOUTHERN EMMA THOMPSON: Lena is going straight to Hell, just like Greenpeace!

SOUTHERN JEREMY IRONS: That line is too over the top even for this movie! You must be Sarafine possessing someone, which is something Casters can do!

SARAFINE: I am! Humans are cruel, ignorant parasites and the world will be a better place when we destroy them all!

SOUTHERN JEREMY IRONS: That's… okay, that's both what I believe and exactly what's been shown to be the case, but still, you're slutty.

SARAFINE: You can't win, Jeremy. I'll use my influence as the suburban housewife I've possessed to turn the whole town against Lena! What'll you do about that?

SOUTHERN JEREMY IRONS: I'll just NEVER MENTION THIS SUBPLOT AGAIN!

SARAFINE: Curses! Foiled again!

Lena finds the answer—since her ancestor started the Curse by bringing someone she loved back to life, to end it, someone she loves has to die.

Which means since the Civil War, no woman in Lena's family has EVER LOST A LOVED ONE.

LENA: Ethan, I can't bear losing you, even if it would save every female child my family has in the future from turning evil. Instead, I'll just Superman 2 kiss you.

THIS ACCOMPLISHES SOMETHING.

Meanwhile, Ridley sets up Ethan's USELESS FRIEND to kill him during the Civil War reenactment.

SARAFINE: Yes! By killing someone Lena loves, we'll end the Curse and stop Lena from being Claimed by the Dark!

RIDLEY: Wait… wait… isn't that what we want?

SARAFINE: I don't know. Is it?

RIDLEY: Yes. You said a lot of junk about how you wanted Lena to be Claimed by the dark since, as a protagonist, she'll be the most powerful Dark Caster ever. It was in the trailer.

SARAFINE: Yeah, that makes sense.

RIDLEY: But if we kill Ethan, we'll end the Curse.

SARAFINE: Uh-huh. Not quite following?

RIDLEY: The Curse which GUARANTEES Lena will be Claimed by the Dark.

SARAFINE: Which is…?

RIDLEY: Good. That would be good. So, if anything, we should be trying to protect Ethan from Lena's ruthless but supposedly 'Light' family, who would want to kill him for the greater good.

SARAFINE: Yes, that does make sense, and it would be a very interesting plot development.

RIDLEY: Thank you!

SARAFINE: But we're not doing that. Go make out with Ethan's useless friend on a mattress floating in an alligator swamp.

RIDLEY: So, wait, now we control animals…?

SARAFINE: It's something Casters can do.

At the Civil War reenactment, the useless friend shoots Ethan, who dies in Lena's arms. This starts to turn her Dark better than the SUPERNATURAL CURSE THAT SPECIFICALLY TURNS PEOPLE DARK AND HAS JUST BEEN BROKEN, until Ethan un-Mission Impossibles to reveal he's really…

SOUTHERN JEREMY IRONS: Surprise!

LENA: Uncle Jeremy Irons! It was you all along, shapeshifting into Ethan! Since we can do that now!

SOUTHERN JEREMY IRONS: Since you love me, the Curse is broken. But since you care about me less than a boy you've known for a few months, you don't have to turn Dark.

LENA: That's true, I do care about Ethan more than the man who raised me! Thanks! I'm following the Light's tumblr, Liking its posts and reblogging the ones that don't have wangs in them!

SARAFINE: Wow, I guess I should've just let you be Claimed by the Dark instead of actually giving you the option to choose, as was my entire evil plot. Anyway, come to the Dark! We can end this destructive conflict and rule the galaxy as mother and daughter! Luke… I mean, Lena… it is the only way!

LENA: I'll never join you!

SARAFINE: Very well then. I, the most powerful Dark Caster of all, and you, a more powerful but inexperienced Light Caster, now must DO BATTLE!

Lena waves her hand at Sarafine, who falls over dead.

AUDIENCE: Really? REALLY?

LENA: What? I did the thing with my hand. Casters can do that.

AUDIENCE: Even Twilight had a decent fight at the end. TWILIGHT.

LENA: But I chose good over evil! Isn't that much more dramatic than some epic battle?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, talk about how good you are to the innocent dudes who were clearly seen being sucked up by the tornado you caused in your little dead-boyfriend hissy fit. Pretty sure you're now a mass murderer.

LENA: Eh, like Hollywood has ever let that stop them from making someone a hero.

The movie quietly walks around this MASSIVE MIDDLE FINGER TO THE AUDIENCE.

LENA: Well, everything worked out alright in the end. I'm a Light Caster and… oh, Ethan still doesn't have any memory of me. I guess I can't reverse that.

MOVIE: Hmm… do we leave in this obnoxious sequel tease of Ethan not remembering Lena or do we wrap things up in some clever way to leave the audience with closure? Maaaybe we should end it this way, maaaaaybe not…

Finally, the movie has Ethan inexplicably remember Lena and run back to her, since that's how magic works now.

MOVIE: Awww. An inexplicably happy ending. Also, Jeremy Irons came back to life and Ridley went into Dark Caster rehab. No, I'm not going to explain any of that, why do you ask?

The audience goes home, thinking maybe Hollywood should stop trying to make a better version of something that sucked hardcore to begin with.