seriousfic (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
seriousfic) wrote2009-11-21 01:57 pm
seriousfic) wrote2009-11-21 01:57 pm
Entry tags:
New Moon FAQ
Q: So what the Forks is up in fuck?
A: I think you mean… never mind. Edward is still sparkling and Bella is having nightmares about growing old while Edward is still young and Cedric Diggory-ish.
Q: What brought that sudden bout of mortality on? A death in the family?
A: No, she just turned 18.
Q: And she wants to be frozen at that age forever? Does she want to spend the rest of eternity being carded for movies and beer?
A: As if Bella Swan watches R-rated movies or drinks beer. Plus, she gets to fuck Robert Pattinson if she’s a vampire.
Q: What would happen if that offer was real?
A: Teenage Girl Vampire Apocalypse. Like the I Am Legend movie, only better in every conceivable way.
Q: Okay, so Bella wants to be young and hot forever and, incidentally, be Edward’s sex bunny.
A: That’d be the subtext.
Q: So, what’s the problem? Is Edward worried that becoming a vampire means Bella would have to give up her family, friends, and any hope of a normal life?
A: No, that it would damn Bella’s soul. Of course, she doesn’t care, because since when do women let a little eternal damnation stand in the way of hot dickings?
Q: Represent. So, how’s it all tumble out?
A: Not at all, really. Edward ends the movie still opposed to Bella being a vampire and Bella still wants to be a vampire, the plot just rumbles forward because of an obvious plot device.
Q: How do you spell that?
A: Obvious plot device? V-O-L-T-A-R-I. They’re the rulers of the vampire world, although it’s not clear why anyone listens to them. They don’t seem any more powerful than the other vampires, although they do have Colossus working for them.
Q: Okay, where were we?
A: Bella was turning 18. But at the birthday party the Cullens throw for her, she cuts her finger on some wrapping paper—
Q: Wait, how do you give yourself a paper cut with wrapping paper?
A: You know how all Mary-Sues have one “flaw” to keep them from being perfect?
Q: Yes?
A: Bella’s is being clumsy.
Q: That ever brought up again?
A: Nope. So the Cullens are about to run a vampire train on Bella when the guy from Fastlane hustles her out to bandage her up.
Q: Wasn’t that an awesome show?
A: Fastlane? Fuck yeah.
Q: But wait, I thought she wanted to be a vampire? Shouldn’t she try to get bitten?
A: Apparently not. Anyway, Edward figures this means it’s too dangerous for him to stay with Bella—
Q: As he didn’t figure out during the last movie, when a sadistic vampire stalked her because she was hanging out with him?
A: I think they have the exact same conversation in both movies, actually, only here Edward says that he’s leaving her forever.
Q: Bella is a strong female character, so what does she do to get him back?
A: Nothing, really. She just mopes.
Q: Mopes?
A: For months. There’s a montage and everything.
Q: Do they show pages flying off a calendar?
A: Sadly, no.
Q: So where does Edward go?
A: No idea. The rest of the movie is pretty much filler until Edward and Bella are reunited. There’s literally no resolution or point to anything that comes up during the middle of the movie.
Q: None?
A: Whatsoever.
Q: Still, humor me. What happens?
A: Well, Bella gets closer to her werewolf friend Jacob. Unlike Edward, who is afraid he might hurt her and so pushes her away, Jacob is afraid he might hurt her and so pushes her away.
Q: Ah. Well, at least the movie isn’t finding some idiotic way to shoehorn Robert Pattinson in for the Twihards.
A: Unnn…
Q: Yes?
A: Well, whenever Bella is about to do something stupid or dangerous, she sees Edward appear in spirit form, warning her not to do it.
Q: Spirit form?
A: Yeah. He’s made of smoke and everything. Since that’s the only way she can see Edward again, she constantly puts herself in danger, like flirting with the guys who tried to gang-rape her in the last movie.
Q: …
A: I know.
Q: …
A: Dude, I KNOW.
Q: She couldn’t just, I don’t know, look at a photograph?
A: The photographs wouldn’t be constantly lecturing and condescending to her, so no.
Q: But if hallucinations of Edward are her subconscious’s way of warning her not to put herself in harm’s way, and she puts herself in harm’s way specifically to see him, shouldn’t her subconscious, I don’t know, show her Edward whenever she has a healthy breakfast? And isn’t this a pretty potent metaphor for an unhealthy relationship?
A: I’m not the Bible, dude. I don’t have all the answers.
Q: Weren’t there werewolves in this movie?
A: Oh yeah. Jacob and some of his friends are werewolves.
Q: So whenever the full moon rises, shit gets werewolf?
A: Actually, they just turn into werewolves whenever they’re angry.
Q: Like the Incredible Hulk?
A: No, they can control it. Kinda.
Q: So there’s a bunch of really awesome scenes where Jacob is on the verge of flipping out and wolfing someone down?
A: No, he just gets pissy with one of Bella’s other romantic interests.
Q: How many romantic interests does Bella have?
A: Counting Alice?
Q: Who’s she again?
A: She’s Bella’s BFF, a vampire who has the power to (drumroll) foretell the future!
Q: Wait, then couldn’t she save everyone some trouble by just telling them not to piss off so-and-so?
A: No. She can foretell the future, but the future is in constant flux, so her predictions are inaccurate if someone changes their mind.
Q: So she can predict the future, unless it changes? She has AN IMAGINATION?
A: That’s the greatest power of all, you know.
Q: That’s a pretty shitty superpower, is all.
A: Yeah, it’s pretty weird. Like, she can’t tell that Jasper is going to freak out and nearly gut her best friend, but she can tell that Bella is going to jump off a cliff, but she CAN’T tell that Bella will survive, and Edward finds out and tries to commit suicide, but she can’t foretell that either…
Q: So, basically she can foretell the future only so far as it advances the plot?
A: I believe we were talking about Jacob?
Q: Fine. So, Jacob was bitten by a werewolf?
A: Uh, no. See, his tribe of Indians are descended from wolves…
Q: Excuse me?
A: Wolves.
Q: Isn’t that the origin Jeph Loeb gave to Wolverine?
A: I think it may be.
Q: Jesus.
A: You want me to stop?
Q: There’s MORE?
A: Uh-huh. See, the Indians only undergo their secondary mutation—
Q: Dork.
A: Yes. It only activates when a vampire moves in.
Q: But haven’t the Cullens lived in Forks for years?
A: Yes.
Q: And didn’t they just LEAVE?
A: Yes.
Q: So why are they going Super-Saiyan now?
A: It’s the sequel. In the threequel, Bella’s dad turns out to be a Frankenstein.
Q: Alright, werewolves. Hit me.
A: Well, they can communicate telepathically with each other, and they’re biologically compelled to obey the alpha wolf, Sam’s, orders.
Q: How dramatic!
A: Not really. The only order Sam gives is for Jacob not to tell Bella he’s a werewolf, and he finds a way around that with no repercussions.
Q: But they are killing people, right?
A: Nope!
Q: So… what’s the point?
A: Well, in the last movie, they killed one of the bad vampires, and now his chick is out for revenge.
Q: And it’ll take the entire wolf pack to stop her?
A: No, she’s pretty much outgunned. In fact, she only escapes by the skin of her teeth.
Q: Ah. So our heroine is, at all times, protected by competent, superpowered guardians?
A: Yeah. But she’s still in danger of getting bitten. Those werewolves can’t be everywhere at once.
Q: And she still doesn’t want to get bitten, even though she wants to become a vampire?
A: Women, eh?
Q: Okay, werewolves versus single underpowered vampire. How’s that go?
A: It doesn’t, actually. Victoria, the redheaded vampire villainess, kills one old guy and then gets chased away to disappear for the last half of the movie.
Q: Wait, redheaded vampire villainess?
A: Don’t get too excited. She doesn’t even have any lines.
Q: We don’t even get a scene where she menaces the heroine in a sexually ambiguous manner?
A: Fraid not.
Q: Bullshit!
A: Yup.
Q: Let’s just get this over with…
A: Gladly. So Edward finds out about Alice’s bullshit vision, then calls Bella, but Jacob answers and says something about a funeral, so Edward assumes Bella is dead and decides to commit suicide by pissing the Voltari off, because they have the power to kill vampires. So Bella and Alice fly to Rome…
Q: Wait, Rome?
A: Rome.
Q: And what’s Edward doing during the intercontinental flight?
A: Calling the suicide hotline and getting the world’s most inept grief counselor, how should I know? Oh, and Bella flies Virgin Airlines.
Q: Of course she does. Edward?
A: He’s going to reveal himself to the humans, which is the only vampire crime punishable by death. In a race against time, Bella runs up to---
Q: Stop.
A: Stopped.
Q: Why doesn’t Alice do the run? Doesn’t she have superspeed like all vampires?
A: No, it can’t be her, Edward would read her thoughts, think she was lying to save him, and just hurry up his suicide instead of waiting for the stroke of noon like a big drama vamp.
Q: He would READ HER THOUGHTS and think she was lying?
A: Yes, but he can’t read Bella’s thoughts, so she runs up to him and tackles him back into the darkness just before he can reveal himself…
Q: He doesn’t see her running?
A: He has his eyes closed. See above answer re: drama vamp.
Q: She can’t just say “Hey, Edward, stop, I’m alive?”
A: You know, you’re just dragging this out.
Q: Sorry. So, she stops Edward from committing suicide, they reconcile, movie’s over?
A: No. The Voltari are still weirded out by Bella, so they bring her in to talk to her.
Q: The Voltari?
A: The guy from Frost/Nixon, Colossus, and Dakota Fanning.
Q: Dakota Fanning?
A: Yeah. She wears her hair up and has the power to psychically induce pain. She’s like Emma Frost’s Mini-Me.
A: How incongruous. And?
A: The Voltari figure out that she’s immune to all vampire superpowers—
Q: Why?
A: Why not, at this point? But she knows too much and such, so they decide to kill her.
Q: Finally, some action! So it’s Edward and Alice against the vampire elite?
A: Actually, no. Alice gets taken out pretty quick.
Q: How feminist.
A: Yeah, you’d think being able to see the future would help her, I don’t know, dodge or something. As would having telepathy.
Q: So Edward gets owned?
A: Royally, you might say.
Q: And no one ever suggests just making Bella a vampire?
A: Actually, at the last minute, Alice says that she’s going to personally turn Bella into a vampire.
Q: Hot.
A: Totally. So the Voltari let them go, although it’s one of those “I’m saving you for the sequel, bitch-ass” moments.
Q: They couldn’t have shuffled the story around so that either the Voltari plot or the Victoria/werewolf plot was resolved in the same movie it was introduced?
A: That would make sense and obey several fundamental rules of drama, so no.
Q: What else?
A: Well, now that the Voltari have weighted on, the Cullens are kinda married to the “vamp Bella” plan, so they take a vote and Bella is in like Flynn.
Q: They couldn’t have done that sooner?
A: Guess not. Edward is pissy about it…
Q: Shocker!
A: But he tells Bella that he’ll be the one to take her biteginity if she agrees to marry him. It’s kinda a cliffhanger ending.
Q: But she’s spent the entire movie wanting to spend eternity with him. How is marriage a big deal?
A: I guess it just is. Oh, and Jacob says that if a Cullen ever bites a human, the treaty with the werewolves is void and it’s go-time.
Q: Oh, dear, how ever would they CAN’T THE CULLENS JUST LEAVE?
A: Yeah, they even still have their initial reasons to leave, like having stayed in Forks too long to continue to pass as aging humans.
Q: So, basically the entire thing is an excuse to introduce new plot threads while offering no resolution or real plot advancement?
A: It has about as much reason to exist as Spencer Pratt.
Q: Any high points?
A: As I said, Alice is pretty gay for Bella. There’s one scene where they and Jacob have more of a love triangle than Team Edward ever got. Plus, Bella spends the whole movie writing sappy e-mails to Alice, so, obviously fucking. Oh, and one of the characters snarks on George Romero and the whole ‘consumerism equals zombies’ idea.
Q: Romero got snapped on by a Twilight movie?
A: I know, ouch, right?
Q: What else?
A: Bella is SO traumatized by Edward dumping her that she has these PTSD nightmares that have her screaming like she's doing anal for the first time.
Q: Didn't she get nearly raped/killed repeatedly in the last movie? How is getting dumped a big deal after that?
A: Bella has her priorities in order.
Q: And?
A: Well, when Edward is reintroduced, they give him this big slow-motion Baywatch shot.
Q: But the point of the slow-motion is the bouncing. You can’t tell me anything about Robert Pattinson bounces?
A: Thankfully, no. I guess they just needed to eat up some screentime.
Q: You read anything fishy about Jacob pushing Bella away to spend time with a bunch of muscular young men who never wear shirts?
A: Hey, he was born that way! It’s not a lifestyle choice!
Q: They actually say that in the movie?
A: Indeed.
Q: If Jacob and co are werewolves, shouldn’t they be hairier? I mean, werewolves that wax their chests?
A: This FAQ is done with.
A: I think you mean… never mind. Edward is still sparkling and Bella is having nightmares about growing old while Edward is still young and Cedric Diggory-ish.
Q: What brought that sudden bout of mortality on? A death in the family?
A: No, she just turned 18.
Q: And she wants to be frozen at that age forever? Does she want to spend the rest of eternity being carded for movies and beer?
A: As if Bella Swan watches R-rated movies or drinks beer. Plus, she gets to fuck Robert Pattinson if she’s a vampire.
Q: What would happen if that offer was real?
A: Teenage Girl Vampire Apocalypse. Like the I Am Legend movie, only better in every conceivable way.
Q: Okay, so Bella wants to be young and hot forever and, incidentally, be Edward’s sex bunny.
A: That’d be the subtext.
Q: So, what’s the problem? Is Edward worried that becoming a vampire means Bella would have to give up her family, friends, and any hope of a normal life?
A: No, that it would damn Bella’s soul. Of course, she doesn’t care, because since when do women let a little eternal damnation stand in the way of hot dickings?
Q: Represent. So, how’s it all tumble out?
A: Not at all, really. Edward ends the movie still opposed to Bella being a vampire and Bella still wants to be a vampire, the plot just rumbles forward because of an obvious plot device.
Q: How do you spell that?
A: Obvious plot device? V-O-L-T-A-R-I. They’re the rulers of the vampire world, although it’s not clear why anyone listens to them. They don’t seem any more powerful than the other vampires, although they do have Colossus working for them.
Q: Okay, where were we?
A: Bella was turning 18. But at the birthday party the Cullens throw for her, she cuts her finger on some wrapping paper—
Q: Wait, how do you give yourself a paper cut with wrapping paper?
A: You know how all Mary-Sues have one “flaw” to keep them from being perfect?
Q: Yes?
A: Bella’s is being clumsy.
Q: That ever brought up again?
A: Nope. So the Cullens are about to run a vampire train on Bella when the guy from Fastlane hustles her out to bandage her up.
Q: Wasn’t that an awesome show?
A: Fastlane? Fuck yeah.
Q: But wait, I thought she wanted to be a vampire? Shouldn’t she try to get bitten?
A: Apparently not. Anyway, Edward figures this means it’s too dangerous for him to stay with Bella—
Q: As he didn’t figure out during the last movie, when a sadistic vampire stalked her because she was hanging out with him?
A: I think they have the exact same conversation in both movies, actually, only here Edward says that he’s leaving her forever.
Q: Bella is a strong female character, so what does she do to get him back?
A: Nothing, really. She just mopes.
Q: Mopes?
A: For months. There’s a montage and everything.
Q: Do they show pages flying off a calendar?
A: Sadly, no.
Q: So where does Edward go?
A: No idea. The rest of the movie is pretty much filler until Edward and Bella are reunited. There’s literally no resolution or point to anything that comes up during the middle of the movie.
Q: None?
A: Whatsoever.
Q: Still, humor me. What happens?
A: Well, Bella gets closer to her werewolf friend Jacob. Unlike Edward, who is afraid he might hurt her and so pushes her away, Jacob is afraid he might hurt her and so pushes her away.
Q: Ah. Well, at least the movie isn’t finding some idiotic way to shoehorn Robert Pattinson in for the Twihards.
A: Unnn…
Q: Yes?
A: Well, whenever Bella is about to do something stupid or dangerous, she sees Edward appear in spirit form, warning her not to do it.
Q: Spirit form?
A: Yeah. He’s made of smoke and everything. Since that’s the only way she can see Edward again, she constantly puts herself in danger, like flirting with the guys who tried to gang-rape her in the last movie.
Q: …
A: I know.
Q: …
A: Dude, I KNOW.
Q: She couldn’t just, I don’t know, look at a photograph?
A: The photographs wouldn’t be constantly lecturing and condescending to her, so no.
Q: But if hallucinations of Edward are her subconscious’s way of warning her not to put herself in harm’s way, and she puts herself in harm’s way specifically to see him, shouldn’t her subconscious, I don’t know, show her Edward whenever she has a healthy breakfast? And isn’t this a pretty potent metaphor for an unhealthy relationship?
A: I’m not the Bible, dude. I don’t have all the answers.
Q: Weren’t there werewolves in this movie?
A: Oh yeah. Jacob and some of his friends are werewolves.
Q: So whenever the full moon rises, shit gets werewolf?
A: Actually, they just turn into werewolves whenever they’re angry.
Q: Like the Incredible Hulk?
A: No, they can control it. Kinda.
Q: So there’s a bunch of really awesome scenes where Jacob is on the verge of flipping out and wolfing someone down?
A: No, he just gets pissy with one of Bella’s other romantic interests.
Q: How many romantic interests does Bella have?
A: Counting Alice?
Q: Who’s she again?
A: She’s Bella’s BFF, a vampire who has the power to (drumroll) foretell the future!
Q: Wait, then couldn’t she save everyone some trouble by just telling them not to piss off so-and-so?
A: No. She can foretell the future, but the future is in constant flux, so her predictions are inaccurate if someone changes their mind.
Q: So she can predict the future, unless it changes? She has AN IMAGINATION?
A: That’s the greatest power of all, you know.
Q: That’s a pretty shitty superpower, is all.
A: Yeah, it’s pretty weird. Like, she can’t tell that Jasper is going to freak out and nearly gut her best friend, but she can tell that Bella is going to jump off a cliff, but she CAN’T tell that Bella will survive, and Edward finds out and tries to commit suicide, but she can’t foretell that either…
Q: So, basically she can foretell the future only so far as it advances the plot?
A: I believe we were talking about Jacob?
Q: Fine. So, Jacob was bitten by a werewolf?
A: Uh, no. See, his tribe of Indians are descended from wolves…
Q: Excuse me?
A: Wolves.
Q: Isn’t that the origin Jeph Loeb gave to Wolverine?
A: I think it may be.
Q: Jesus.
A: You want me to stop?
Q: There’s MORE?
A: Uh-huh. See, the Indians only undergo their secondary mutation—
Q: Dork.
A: Yes. It only activates when a vampire moves in.
Q: But haven’t the Cullens lived in Forks for years?
A: Yes.
Q: And didn’t they just LEAVE?
A: Yes.
Q: So why are they going Super-Saiyan now?
A: It’s the sequel. In the threequel, Bella’s dad turns out to be a Frankenstein.
Q: Alright, werewolves. Hit me.
A: Well, they can communicate telepathically with each other, and they’re biologically compelled to obey the alpha wolf, Sam’s, orders.
Q: How dramatic!
A: Not really. The only order Sam gives is for Jacob not to tell Bella he’s a werewolf, and he finds a way around that with no repercussions.
Q: But they are killing people, right?
A: Nope!
Q: So… what’s the point?
A: Well, in the last movie, they killed one of the bad vampires, and now his chick is out for revenge.
Q: And it’ll take the entire wolf pack to stop her?
A: No, she’s pretty much outgunned. In fact, she only escapes by the skin of her teeth.
Q: Ah. So our heroine is, at all times, protected by competent, superpowered guardians?
A: Yeah. But she’s still in danger of getting bitten. Those werewolves can’t be everywhere at once.
Q: And she still doesn’t want to get bitten, even though she wants to become a vampire?
A: Women, eh?
Q: Okay, werewolves versus single underpowered vampire. How’s that go?
A: It doesn’t, actually. Victoria, the redheaded vampire villainess, kills one old guy and then gets chased away to disappear for the last half of the movie.
Q: Wait, redheaded vampire villainess?
A: Don’t get too excited. She doesn’t even have any lines.
Q: We don’t even get a scene where she menaces the heroine in a sexually ambiguous manner?
A: Fraid not.
Q: Bullshit!
A: Yup.
Q: Let’s just get this over with…
A: Gladly. So Edward finds out about Alice’s bullshit vision, then calls Bella, but Jacob answers and says something about a funeral, so Edward assumes Bella is dead and decides to commit suicide by pissing the Voltari off, because they have the power to kill vampires. So Bella and Alice fly to Rome…
Q: Wait, Rome?
A: Rome.
Q: And what’s Edward doing during the intercontinental flight?
A: Calling the suicide hotline and getting the world’s most inept grief counselor, how should I know? Oh, and Bella flies Virgin Airlines.
Q: Of course she does. Edward?
A: He’s going to reveal himself to the humans, which is the only vampire crime punishable by death. In a race against time, Bella runs up to---
Q: Stop.
A: Stopped.
Q: Why doesn’t Alice do the run? Doesn’t she have superspeed like all vampires?
A: No, it can’t be her, Edward would read her thoughts, think she was lying to save him, and just hurry up his suicide instead of waiting for the stroke of noon like a big drama vamp.
Q: He would READ HER THOUGHTS and think she was lying?
A: Yes, but he can’t read Bella’s thoughts, so she runs up to him and tackles him back into the darkness just before he can reveal himself…
Q: He doesn’t see her running?
A: He has his eyes closed. See above answer re: drama vamp.
Q: She can’t just say “Hey, Edward, stop, I’m alive?”
A: You know, you’re just dragging this out.
Q: Sorry. So, she stops Edward from committing suicide, they reconcile, movie’s over?
A: No. The Voltari are still weirded out by Bella, so they bring her in to talk to her.
Q: The Voltari?
A: The guy from Frost/Nixon, Colossus, and Dakota Fanning.
Q: Dakota Fanning?
A: Yeah. She wears her hair up and has the power to psychically induce pain. She’s like Emma Frost’s Mini-Me.
A: How incongruous. And?
A: The Voltari figure out that she’s immune to all vampire superpowers—
Q: Why?
A: Why not, at this point? But she knows too much and such, so they decide to kill her.
Q: Finally, some action! So it’s Edward and Alice against the vampire elite?
A: Actually, no. Alice gets taken out pretty quick.
Q: How feminist.
A: Yeah, you’d think being able to see the future would help her, I don’t know, dodge or something. As would having telepathy.
Q: So Edward gets owned?
A: Royally, you might say.
Q: And no one ever suggests just making Bella a vampire?
A: Actually, at the last minute, Alice says that she’s going to personally turn Bella into a vampire.
Q: Hot.
A: Totally. So the Voltari let them go, although it’s one of those “I’m saving you for the sequel, bitch-ass” moments.
Q: They couldn’t have shuffled the story around so that either the Voltari plot or the Victoria/werewolf plot was resolved in the same movie it was introduced?
A: That would make sense and obey several fundamental rules of drama, so no.
Q: What else?
A: Well, now that the Voltari have weighted on, the Cullens are kinda married to the “vamp Bella” plan, so they take a vote and Bella is in like Flynn.
Q: They couldn’t have done that sooner?
A: Guess not. Edward is pissy about it…
Q: Shocker!
A: But he tells Bella that he’ll be the one to take her biteginity if she agrees to marry him. It’s kinda a cliffhanger ending.
Q: But she’s spent the entire movie wanting to spend eternity with him. How is marriage a big deal?
A: I guess it just is. Oh, and Jacob says that if a Cullen ever bites a human, the treaty with the werewolves is void and it’s go-time.
Q: Oh, dear, how ever would they CAN’T THE CULLENS JUST LEAVE?
A: Yeah, they even still have their initial reasons to leave, like having stayed in Forks too long to continue to pass as aging humans.
Q: So, basically the entire thing is an excuse to introduce new plot threads while offering no resolution or real plot advancement?
A: It has about as much reason to exist as Spencer Pratt.
Q: Any high points?
A: As I said, Alice is pretty gay for Bella. There’s one scene where they and Jacob have more of a love triangle than Team Edward ever got. Plus, Bella spends the whole movie writing sappy e-mails to Alice, so, obviously fucking. Oh, and one of the characters snarks on George Romero and the whole ‘consumerism equals zombies’ idea.
Q: Romero got snapped on by a Twilight movie?
A: I know, ouch, right?
Q: What else?
A: Bella is SO traumatized by Edward dumping her that she has these PTSD nightmares that have her screaming like she's doing anal for the first time.
Q: Didn't she get nearly raped/killed repeatedly in the last movie? How is getting dumped a big deal after that?
A: Bella has her priorities in order.
Q: And?
A: Well, when Edward is reintroduced, they give him this big slow-motion Baywatch shot.
Q: But the point of the slow-motion is the bouncing. You can’t tell me anything about Robert Pattinson bounces?
A: Thankfully, no. I guess they just needed to eat up some screentime.
Q: You read anything fishy about Jacob pushing Bella away to spend time with a bunch of muscular young men who never wear shirts?
A: Hey, he was born that way! It’s not a lifestyle choice!
Q: They actually say that in the movie?
A: Indeed.
Q: If Jacob and co are werewolves, shouldn’t they be hairier? I mean, werewolves that wax their chests?
A: This FAQ is done with.