Seriousfic at the movies: How long until Iron Man 3 comes out?
So this week in theaters, we have The Croods, a Dreamworks cartoon about a hidebound, traditionalist father who literally says "New is always bad" to contrast with his headstrong, rebellious teenage daughter. Basically the only reason to talk about this is the staggering hypocrisy on display in making a movie about the need for new and innovative ideas, when a headstrong, rebellious teenage daughter (with red hair, even!) is so cliched that the butler murdered it on a dark and stormy night.
There's also Olympus Has Fallen, a picture being made under the idea that if Bruce Willis won't make a good Die Hard movie, someone else might be able to. This time around, Gerard Butler has to save Thomas Eckhart from terrorists or Morgan Freeman will be President. And we all know what happens when you put the black guy in charge.
THANKS, OBAMA. Sorry, I needed to make a Splash joke before the show is canceled in three episodes.
So, what's on Netflix?
Jack & Diane - I got into this because the plot was two words: Lesbian werewolves. And yeah, there are lesbians, but, like, one percent werewolves. You got more lesbian werewolves in Ginger Snaps, and they were sisters. There were probably more werewolves in the song Jack & Diane by John Mellencamp.
The idea is that Diane (Juno Temple) is an Englishwoman visiting her aunt in America when she meets Jack (Riley Keough), who you can tell is a lesbian because she dresses like Justin Bieber and has a boy's name. They fall for each other, but then Diana has to go to France to attend school.
That's the movie. You'll notice nothing in there about werewolves. That's because the sole lycanthrope content is Diane imagining that she was bitten by a werewolf or having dreams that she's a werewolf or some damn thing. I don't know, I don't think it fits too good. Not to give George Romero too much credit for "going to a mall is like being a zombie!", but I can see it better than "having sex with girls makes you a werewolf." And c'mon, couldn't you fit that into your movie a little better than just having dream sequences? You might as well just throw confetti in the air and shout "METAPHOR!"
In fact, I really couldn't get a handle on any of this movie. Jack and Diane are teenagers, I guess, and after a few days they're talking about moving in together? And then there are "comic relief" scenes that pretty much make the movie a romantic comedy, but there's no punchlines to them. I really, really, really don't think anyone has, say, gotten their twin sister to call their girlfriend for them and then had their girlfriend try to have phone sex with them. Or tried to shave their pubic hair before realizing they don't know how to shave their pubic hair and being walked in on by their aunt. If you're going to go that broad, you might as well have someone drop a one-liner afterward instead of pretending "yes, these are completely relatable happenstances."
Speaking of Diane's twin sister, get this (said in the tone of someone insisting you smell a carton of spoiled milk): Jack has a friend (Dane DeHaan, playing the guy who becomes a supervillain because of his abusive father in Chronicle and... the exact same role in Amazing Spider-Man 2) who Photoshops women's heads onto naked bodies and then Photoshops the bodies to have bigger breasts and people apparently pay him for this. Diane agrees to have a celebrity fake nude done of her, but the client (?) won't pay for it because he's already seen Diane naked. As it turns out, Diane's twin sister was raped on-camera (as lovingly shown on film, completely with charming bukkake) and had it posted on the internet. What an unpleasant and sordid scene to include in a movie that is pretty much one step removed from being a lesbian rom-com. I mean, I don't watch a lot of Kate Hudson movies, but I'm pretty sure her man-crazy fat friend never gets raped in them.
And the detail is completely unimportant to the plot. All it does is make Diane think about going home to England before deciding to stay with Jack, at least until she goes to school in France at the end of the movie (which she doesn't particularly want to do, but I guess keeping a vague promise to her sister regarding scholarship trumps comforting her after a gang-rape). It could've just as easily been "oh no, your sister was injured at one of her MMA fights!"
Maybe it was in the song by John Mellencamp? I suppose I should listen to that. What would he rhyme with 'bukkake'?
There's also Olympus Has Fallen, a picture being made under the idea that if Bruce Willis won't make a good Die Hard movie, someone else might be able to. This time around, Gerard Butler has to save Thomas Eckhart from terrorists or Morgan Freeman will be President. And we all know what happens when you put the black guy in charge.
THANKS, OBAMA. Sorry, I needed to make a Splash joke before the show is canceled in three episodes.
So, what's on Netflix?
Jack & Diane - I got into this because the plot was two words: Lesbian werewolves. And yeah, there are lesbians, but, like, one percent werewolves. You got more lesbian werewolves in Ginger Snaps, and they were sisters. There were probably more werewolves in the song Jack & Diane by John Mellencamp.
The idea is that Diane (Juno Temple) is an Englishwoman visiting her aunt in America when she meets Jack (Riley Keough), who you can tell is a lesbian because she dresses like Justin Bieber and has a boy's name. They fall for each other, but then Diana has to go to France to attend school.
That's the movie. You'll notice nothing in there about werewolves. That's because the sole lycanthrope content is Diane imagining that she was bitten by a werewolf or having dreams that she's a werewolf or some damn thing. I don't know, I don't think it fits too good. Not to give George Romero too much credit for "going to a mall is like being a zombie!", but I can see it better than "having sex with girls makes you a werewolf." And c'mon, couldn't you fit that into your movie a little better than just having dream sequences? You might as well just throw confetti in the air and shout "METAPHOR!"
In fact, I really couldn't get a handle on any of this movie. Jack and Diane are teenagers, I guess, and after a few days they're talking about moving in together? And then there are "comic relief" scenes that pretty much make the movie a romantic comedy, but there's no punchlines to them. I really, really, really don't think anyone has, say, gotten their twin sister to call their girlfriend for them and then had their girlfriend try to have phone sex with them. Or tried to shave their pubic hair before realizing they don't know how to shave their pubic hair and being walked in on by their aunt. If you're going to go that broad, you might as well have someone drop a one-liner afterward instead of pretending "yes, these are completely relatable happenstances."
Speaking of Diane's twin sister, get this (said in the tone of someone insisting you smell a carton of spoiled milk): Jack has a friend (Dane DeHaan, playing the guy who becomes a supervillain because of his abusive father in Chronicle and... the exact same role in Amazing Spider-Man 2) who Photoshops women's heads onto naked bodies and then Photoshops the bodies to have bigger breasts and people apparently pay him for this. Diane agrees to have a celebrity fake nude done of her, but the client (?) won't pay for it because he's already seen Diane naked. As it turns out, Diane's twin sister was raped on-camera (as lovingly shown on film, completely with charming bukkake) and had it posted on the internet. What an unpleasant and sordid scene to include in a movie that is pretty much one step removed from being a lesbian rom-com. I mean, I don't watch a lot of Kate Hudson movies, but I'm pretty sure her man-crazy fat friend never gets raped in them.
And the detail is completely unimportant to the plot. All it does is make Diane think about going home to England before deciding to stay with Jack, at least until she goes to school in France at the end of the movie (which she doesn't particularly want to do, but I guess keeping a vague promise to her sister regarding scholarship trumps comforting her after a gang-rape). It could've just as easily been "oh no, your sister was injured at one of her MMA fights!"
Maybe it was in the song by John Mellencamp? I suppose I should listen to that. What would he rhyme with 'bukkake'?